time moves on...

I think this is the longest time I have gone between posting :) Well in the last month I had an amazing Spring Break (and much needed). I went to South Carolina with three incredible girls. We went sea kayaking to an island on the coast and spent the week soaking up sun and doing nothing! I have been back for the last few weeks in reality which includes my job and my "other job" also called my internship. Things are going well but I am busy. I find myself still living day to day and seeking God in all things.

(I'm third from the left...we slept on the seashell ridge we are standing on because we got lost. If you want to know the whole story let me know :) )

I am amazed at the little ways He takes care of me as well as being able to see the ways He spared me by saying no to things in my life. Sometimes we have to move through life before we can look back and see what our wanting would have cost us. I'm still pulled between two worlds but the light is at the end of the tunnel! If you are reading this and I haven't talked to you in a while...you are not alone! Maybe I should start a group for all my family and friends that I haven't kept in contact with this semester :). Please don't take it personal and if you call me I do call back!

Let it rock the boat.

I was doing some reading and this really caught my attention...

This comes from the book "The story we find ourselves in" by: Brian McLaren. One of his characters is talking about the crucifixion...
"...I think it's all about God's agony being made visible- you know, the pain of forgiving, the pain of absorbing betrayal and forgoing any revenge, of risking that your heart will be hurt again, for the sake of love, at the very worst moment, when the beloved has been least worthy of forgiveness, but stands most in need of it. It's not just something legal or mental. It's not just words; it has to be embodied, and nails and thorns and sweat and tears and blood strike me as the only true language of betrayal and forgiveness."

This is a powerful statement. How often do we look at the cross as Jesus taking on our individual betrayal of God? Christ took all the times we have hurt God and all the times we will in the future. He was in agony, He endured the physical pain of betrayal. Being betrayed causes physical pain. Our response is revenge, God's response is forgiveness...to the point of allowing His son to bear the burden of not just the pain but the true agony of God turning His back on Him. That is a pain we will never have to endure because of Christ's love.

The wedding day

I thought I would put up a couple pictures from Justin's wedding for those of you who couldn't make it...


The girls looking all pretty


The guys acting the way they usually do.

The Family Has Spoken

Well tonight my suspicions were confirmed. I always thought that if I was to date someone my staff would have to approve. I am correct in saying this. Melody was talking to a mutual friend, who one of my friends was trying to set me up with last year, about her trying to set us up (I was unaware he knew about this). This spawned conversation among my staff about this person (who they all know) and asking me what I thought. So I guess if a guy is interested in me he won't have to meet my family but my staff for approval :)

Just today

My life is chaos. I run from one thing to the next with not much of a social life to speak of. I live on sleep, prayer, and supportive understanding from those I work with. Yet I have peace, a deep peace that has settled on me this new year. I am trying something new this year; I am focusing on every day as it comes. When thoughts of tomorrow, everything I have to do, or other intruding thoughts break in I push them away. I make a list as not to forgot the important things but other wise I tell myself what day of the week it is and remind myself of what I need to do TODAY.


I am trying to enjoy every day that I have. I only get this day once and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. True not all days are fun but that's when I remind myself it isn't forever. I am not stuck in some perpetually repeating movie like "Ground Hog's Day" good or bad tomorrow will come. Every night I sit on my bed and quiet my heart before God to reflect on the day as well as diving into His word and truth. I lean on Him. I have nothing else in my life that gives me strength than Him.

An old woman :)

Well I have been told by friends that I have grandma tendencies...here's the list we have come up with.

1. I like to crochet
2. I do puzzles for fun
3. I have a huge rearview mirror
4. I watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy while home
5. I enjoy making quilts

I don't remember if there are any more...feel free to let me know if you think of anything else :)

Feels like home...

Home, it is not a place that can be nailed down. Home is the feeling inside that we have to carry with us where ever our feet land. It is the warmth inside, happy memories, and that feeling of being known by those around you. It is knowing that laughter or tears are accepted and there is no need to try to impress those that you are with. It is a deep comfort and rest in your soul.

Nothing much to say

I am sitting in my office on a Saturday night listening to the hum of my printer as I await its finish. No cars are driving by with loud music, no students outside laughing, talking, or coming in. No TV is on is on or someone working the desk. Just me, my printer, and the silence. It does seem kind of creepy knowing that no one is here, campus will return to life tomorrow...but for tonight it sits awaiting the students return.

The silence reminds me of this summer and the simple way life seemed. The empty parking lots, the stillness that greats the ears, and the way life feels slower. No anxious people darting here or there. But I miss it. I miss the activity and the feel of life. I miss my staff. I have enjoyed the break and got some much needed rest, but I find that I have crossed over. I need people. I have been an introvert for most of my life and yet I dreaded saying good bye to people for Thanksgiving. I had a guy last year describe missing people and I had no idea what he was talking about then...now I do.

So I sit here in my office working on a project. Maybe I enjoy the silence because a part of me knows that it will not last because it never does.

The long road

It is that point in the semester, the time when it seems as though the light at the end of the tunnel is really there and we are getting closer. I look back on this semester and can't believe how fast it has gone. I am still not sure how I survived exactly other than the prayers of people and some late night talks with friends. I have had frantic conversations about my life or lack there of. I have been angry and hurt, I have cried many tears driving home from my internship, and I have spent time laughing with my staff.

Through it all I see God. I have felt in the last week a weight lifted from my shoulders. A weight that I did not know was heavy on me. It was during one of those night talks with a friend that she spoke truth into my life and I awoke the next day free. God was with me through out that time I just couldn't see Him working. I know He has carried me this semester through one of the craziest 3 months of my life.

I have learned that no matter what each day brings I must rest IN God. It is not always about a state of actually resting but resting in WHO God is and What He is able to do. I have a quote that I have been reading almost everyday this past week...

"Every day of our Christian experience should be a day of relating to God on the
basis of His grace alone, your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond
the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are
beyond the need of God's grace."
~Jerry Bridges

No matter my physical, emotional, or mental state...God is there with me.

ice cream conversation

I went up to get some ice cream to go with my slightly dry Baldwin Chocolate Cake, as I was handed an ice cream scoop me and this random guy were looking at the different kinds of ice cream... ( I have never seen this guy before in my life)


guy: what kind of ice cream are you going to get?
me: I don't know, (looking in the case) is that cookies and cream?
guy: yeah
me: That's what I'm getting
guy: what's this? PB cup?
me: (intently looking) I think it's cookie dough, yeah...it is
guy: thanks for helping me
me: Well, I'm here to serve
guy:I have been standing here for 20 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted.
me: choosing ice cream is a very important decision
guy: you should be a therapist, is that your major?
me: actually I'm getting my master in marriage and family therapy, so I am a therapist
guy: well I guess I'll have a good marriage and family now
me: ( chuckling under my breath) enjoy your ice cream

Fork in the road

There comes a time in life when there is a fork in the road. Lately I feel myself standing at this junction and wonder which way I should go. Both have the potential to be good, both could easily be argued to be part of God's will. Yet I know there reaches a point where sometimes God will lay before us these two roads and either one we pick is fine.

I sometimes get this thought in my head that I have to do it right the first time. Me picking a path is not going to disrupt God's plan, that is thinking too highly of myself. If God does not want me going down a path, He will stop me. His will is going to be accomplished no matter what. I realize that as long as I'm chasing after God with all my heart, it is foolish to think that I could run away from Him and run down the wrong path in life.

With this new choice in front of me I will pray, I will take time to consider all the side...but I have peace knowing I can rest in God no matter what happens.

The perfect night

The horses plodded along as we crossed the empty field of corn, they urged each other on. The evening sky was starting to peak from behind the parting clouds, the stillness that engulfed us silenced our lips. It seemed only enough to be. Being a part of this perfect fall evening seemed like such a gift. The golden fields of un-harvested corn and soybeans danced in the evening twilight. The only sound came from us, our conversation at times, and the rhythm of the hoofs beating the earth. Every step sure and firm on the uneven ground. The urging of my heals brought the horse to a canter and then to the fluid movement of a gallup.

We laughed as we worked to remind the horses who was boss. We marveled at their strength and how easily they could have control. But I reminded Jess, that was why we were riding them and they weren't riding us. We joked of pitching a tent on the edge of field and camping out for the night, we could have. It was the perfect fall night.

Facebook

I finally broke down and got on facebook. This was not really my choice having found out that they want me to have it for my job. So I plunged in last night. I find it very fun and interesting a mixture of getting to be creative, looking at people's pictures, and asking to be friends with people....

Ok, so it reminds me of elementary school. Passing notes with a circle yes or no to be my friend. I eagerly open my e-mail hoping someone will ask me to be there friends, opening my facebook to see who has agreed to be my friend. But my dilemma is...what if I don't want to be someone's friend? That seems a little awkward, turn them down on face book and then run into them. Is there such a thing as Facebook rage? People who can't handle not being excepted as a friend on Facebook?

I guess that is part of the risk for being involved in facebook...maybe I should start a "rejected friend request" group to help them find each other :)

Oh yeah....that

So you and God are having a conversation and you throw out a prayer in all sincerity asking that God do something. Then it happens...but you forgot you prayed your prayer (again sincerely)and God has to gently remind you of that prayer? I can't be the only one out there that has had this happen. I will give an example...

I liked this guy my sophomore year. We had hit it off and he seemed interested, but I was a unit Chaplin that year so one day looking out my Evans window watching him play basketball (no I was not stalking him, I happened to look out and noticed he was playing). I told God that I wanted a boyfriend, but that if dating this guy would hinder my ministry with the girls on my floor...well then I didn't want it. Let's just say less then a week later he was definitely no longer showing signs of being interested and today he is married. Yet in the middle of not understanding why he no longer was interested and trying to figure out what I had done wrong...well it finally occurred to me what I had prayed.

I obviously was not the girl for him...even though we had clicked and had some great conversations. I guess all to say that I'm finding myself in a similar situation. I am amazed at how even in the middle of sincere prayer I still seem to have this idea in the back of my head of how I want it to go. I don't pray and let it go. I pray and then walk away still holding it. This does not hinder God in answering my prayer but simply makes it harder on me in the end. I'm just thankful God is patient and helps me slowly pry my fingers off to let go. Right now it just seems like a slow and painful process...maybe someday I can fully lay something down and walk away, remembering what I prayed and why.

How they make me smile...

They are trying to fish, Kat I think almost caught one with her bare hands.



They like Ice cream as much as I do :)

Just a quick post to show you what I have been up to.

late night thoughts

I have been feeling a shifting in my soul. I think it started in the last couple weeks. I have been learning more about myself lately and I wish for a little time to sort it all out. So I sit here late tonight telling myself I should get into bed because I have to get up and run by 6:30 tomorrow morning, yet here I sit. I talk to God and ask Him what some of this is suppose to mean, I don't really expect an answer. The following is some of my contemplation...

My media fast has been over for a week now. I have lost it from my life. This might seem funny but it is true. A year is a long time to have a discipline in your life. I am enjoying the time with people through movie watching, but I am not moving a TV back into my apartment. The haunting feeling of emptiness that follows after turning it off keeps me from moving it back in.

Relationships in my life are very important to me. I have been feeling blessed by the amazing women in my life and the joy I feel through them. I think of my guy friends and how some of them are such unexpected friends and how I see God in them amazes me.

Being in the college setting feels much harder right now then ever before. Everyone else in my life has moved on to a different surrounding and yet here I still am being a 20 something and getting paid to chill with amazing people. Yet I feel the difference this year. The balance of being a friend, boss, mentor, and still trying to maintain me. Sometimes I think people think I took the easy job in staying at school, it is nights like this that I realize that is not true and wonder if I would have stayed had I known the road. That answer is yes.

Guys...I am at an interesting place with this subject. I guess if only girls were reading this I might elaborate a little more, but in not knowing who will read this I just can't be that open on this subject. Not to mention that the meaning of my words seem lost at times through this venue. I guess if you really want to know, call me.

The schedule

This is the beginning of the end of my blog for a while. I have training with my staff this week and then the students arrive for RA training. Everything from here on out in my life is planned for me. This is nice...but my entire summer has been like this. I am feeling burnt out and tired, not to mention that I have gotten sick this past weekend. I am not trying to complain but simply ask that you would pray for me. I hopefully will find time to blog a little, because I'm sure I'll have some great stories once my staff gets back. They are a fun time waiting to happen in my life. The little taste I have had of them makes me smile and reminds me why I love my job so much. So please don't get offended if you don't hear from me for a while...it's not that I don't care, you're just not on the schedule :)

The eyes that see

I had to go to the eye doctor this week. I thought I had a scratch on my eye and wanted to get it taken care of before the craziness of training starts in August. Upon leaving my visit I have been restricted to my glasses for two weeks. My contacts apparently are not fitting my eyes correctly causing them to suffocate my cornia's and not allow them to breath. My cornia's were so inflamed the doctor had to put dye into my eye to see them. So I get to go back to the eye doctor in two weeks to get re-fitted for new contacts. I know some of you will understand more then others about these "joys" of having eye problems. I know things could be a lot worse....but if you have 20/20 vision you should thank God tonight before you go to sleep. Needless to say I am not overjoyed about wearing my glasses but am thankful I went in and it can be corrected with out me hurting my eyes any longer.

The image

I was checking my e-mail the other day and say an advertisement of Victoria's Secret. This is not something new for me but I did have a thought pop into my head. I could never be that model. She was selling their product but also the image of being perfect and seductive. Is that all women are suppose to be? Isn't that what our culture tries to tell us? Show a little more leg or cleavage....then you'll get the attention you want. Then you will go places. Then you will catch the guy of your dreams.

How long will we believe this, how long have we believed this? I have a brain and like using it, thank you very much. I would hope that men see me for more then my body. Yet in a image driven world I am made to feel that me being me is not enough. I know guys might not fully understand this but there is a lot of pressure on girls in this area of their life.

Sometimes I wonder if we have become too image focused and loose the perspective on what God wants us to look like. I would not allow myself to work out for a while in college because I knew that my motives were to improve my body in hopes of catching a guy. God had to strip me of this thinking before I ever started to work out consistently. Not all girls allow God into this area of their life and end up trapped in the cultural mind set of becoming this perfect "image".

May I never care so much about my outward appearance that my inner appearance is lacking.

God supplies

I have had an interesting week. I have felt overwhelmed at times followed by a deep joy and peace. I have had great conversations with people and good times, followed by mini break downs from stress. I am continually amazed at how well God takes care of us. He knows my needs and supplies for me in ways I could never have imagined. I feel blessed and loved so deeply by my God and Father.

That's all I wanted to share. Look into your own life and see the ways that God daily loves you and provides for you.

Songs

This is dedicated to CJ and Dan who were astounded that I did not have a list of top 5 songs....well brace yourself.

I was listening to the radio and thought of a couple... these are in no particular order because I have not gotten that far in my song selection of my "top 5"

1. Redeemer- Nicole C. Mullins

2. I can only imagine- Mercy Me

3. God bless the Broken road- ?

The price of perfection

Sometimes it is very hard to let things go. I work, I struggle, and I toil and some how I still mess up. I set the bar high and watch myself fall, reaching out trying to at lest touch the bar. I need to allow myself the freedom to mess up. I always think of the DC Talk song "What if I stumble".

"What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I loose my step and make fools of us all? Will the walk continue, will the walk become a crawl? What if I stumble and what if I fall?

In my media fast, of this past 11 months, I have found some grey area's that I did not anticipate. I am not talking about the movie I had to watch in class or the movie I had to write a paper on for my midterm. One of the grey area's was Internet movie clips. I have watched some of them. In those moments I look back and don't remember how I justified watching them. I think sometimes I felt caught if someone was trying to show one and felt stuck, not even really thinking about leaving the room.

So I apologize for that. I tripped up in this area of my media fast. Through it God has been teaching me about myself and helping me explore why I justified seeing them at that moment. I feel as though I have let people down because I was suppose to be fasting from these things. I wanted to be able to say that I did my fast perfectly. But perhaps that is pridefull and not the real meaning of a fast. I am human and will and do make mistakes, sometimes I have a hard time accepting that.

Return of the Nerd

Sandra and I have officially joined the Community Band here in town. It was funny to me how nothing in a band room changes no matter where you are. They all smell the same and look the same. I had a great time and look forward to continuing at lest the rest of the summer. I don't know yet if my fall classes will conflict with rehearsal times :) We have concerts various times through out the rest of the summer and I will soon be acquiring the polo shirt that will proudly proclaim that I am in fact a member of the community band :) (I know you are all jealous)

Boxes...

I discovered today that cat's are not the only creatures that like to play in boxes...





And it is obviously very tiring to play in boxes as well. (I love being an Aunt!!)

Media Fast Journal entry number two

This is a little bit from my media fast journal. A reminder God gave me today when life just seems to happen...

I have found that in all of this I have seen God break down my expectations and generalities. Things I believe or thought I hold strong to, I see God challenging and nudging me to look deeper, search longer, and to look at things from a different perspective. I have felt God close and I have felt God near. I sit during my times of frustration and battle things out with God instead of calling someone and find peace in this. I watch my life moving around me and notice the differences in how I handle things now then what I have in the past. I see growth and that encourages me.
I still see myself laying things down at God’s feet, walking away a bit and then look down to see I am still caring it. I wrestle with it a little more and then put it back at God’s feet only to walk away and see I am still carrying part of it. I struggle with wanting control but realizing that in turning control over to God I allow myself to be a part of His bigger plan. I have to accept that life will not turn out exactly how I want it and I have to be ok with that. God has to be my constant source of power and of strength. He has to be my everything or I am nothing. The little adage I have been saying to myself a lot lately is “Lord I am willing, and You are able.” I cling to my faith and allow God to direct my path. I admit to Him when I am scared and terrified. I talk myself to death and then wait for Him to whispers in my ear. It is always just the right words at just the right time. They are never the words I was expecting but the words I needed to hear.

Life

Life is good. I find that even in a non-scheduled time like right now I have found a rhythm to life and find myself keeping up quite fine. It has been hard seeing my staff leave. I enjoy being in the middle, knowing people and having built the relationships.

May term around here is different but has been very good. I have been busy with Ultimate Frisbee, Volleyball, Running, Biking, hanging out, reading, sun bathing :), and seeing clients. I even have picked up a new sport...Tennis. Melody was nice enough to take me out and teach me a little bit. Let's just say my reflexes are much more geared for Raquetball or volleyball :). In a sport where you don't snap your wrist or try to pelt the ball as hard as you can I was finding it hard to restrain myself.



I also have a officially crossed over in the game Axis and Allies...I woke up this morning, after playing 6-7 hours last night, thinking about what I was going to do tonight when we get together to play! I laughed with the guys about this because when I first learned how to play I didn't even think I was going to like the game.

This summer I will be staying busy with Clients, classes, a summer staff, and some time with friends. This is my life right now...And I love it! I plan on trying to suck the marrow out of life right were I am. I want to drink deep during this season of my life as God is preparing me for the next one :)

Cleaning

It is funny to me to be sitting here blogging and feeling content because I have spent the earlier part of this afternoon cleaning and washing and sorting. A feeling I have been waiting for all week. I have been eyeing my spare bedroom and spying the piles I want to divide and conquer. I love being organized! :) But in typing an e-mail to a friend I said something that I thought I would share.

Cleaning and laundry are not the typical things that most 20 somethings see as fun or worth taking time for. I know some of this falls under my personality but I look forward to time to keep my apartment clean. But maybe part of the reason this appeals to me is because it is normal. It is something I have done for almost as long as I can remember.

Is that why cleaning has such an appeal to me? It reminds me that life happens. I see cleaning as something to check off my list but it is also a task I don't need to think about. It requires nothing of me. I tackle it, I conquer it, and next week I will do it again.

Maybe I am just thinking too much....

The little details

I know that I just put a new blog up two days ago...but when things come to me I just need to write.

I sat today during the college's Baccalaureate service and started to think about the Bible, the old testament to be exact. I am reading through the Bible in a year and my year long Bible has just finished the story of Gideon. Something in my head asked me what it is really about. What does it mean to me? I sat thinking about this pondering all that I have learned and all that I know. But to me the answer was simple. The Bible is what God does in imperfect people.

We always wonder and speculate about the little details of a person's life. We get a glimpse, one or two snap shots of this person or people. We see their lack of faith, their willingness or lack of willingness to follow God, and how God uses them were they are. I started thinking about how my life would be described by the Bible.

The little details of my life would be omitted. No one would know that I fell down the stairs at a young age and chipped my front two baby teeth. No one would know that I use to make up stories and songs to my little hearts content as a little girl. No one would know about the pets I loved, the books I read, or the music I have played.

This communicates what God has been whispering in my soul this year. It is not about me, but about HIM. It is HIS plan for my life. It is all for HIS glory, not mine. I am the imperfect vessel of which HIS hand has made. HIS breath has made living, and HIS son has redeemed. I am part of HIS bigger plan. God cares about the details of my life but is not consumed with them.

My story in Biblical form would be about a girl who didn't trust God. A girl who doubted God. A girl who was scared of God. A girl who was redeemed and restored. A girl who loves God.

That time

Summer is such a magical time of year. Something takes over for those precious three to four months of the year. Freedom seems to be whispered in the trees. Life seems right for no reason at all. We laugh and play as children running barefoot through the cool grass. The trees beckon us with their branches longing for us to climb. The summer sun invites a day at the beach building sand castles and acquiring sand in interesting places.

When I think of summer I think about the movie "The Sandlot" and the freedom of being a child and living free caring only about getting a baseball back and trying to beat the rival team. I think of camping with my family, time at the beach, running barefoot and playing volleyball in our yard till my arms hurt. I think of the fireflies that dance through the trees. I think of a breath of fresh air from the cold hand of winter. That's summer to me.

unwelcomed friend

When one goes into the bathroom, one does not anticipate finding little visitors. This little guy is called a Silver Fish, though he is neither silver or a fish. Apparently he came out of my pipes...

Crash

With my media fast the only movies I watch have to be for class and serve a function in that way. On Tuesday when I walked into my Multicultural Counseling class our professor informed us we were going to watch "Crash". If you have not seen this movie...Watch it. But don't watch it just to have an entertaining evening. This movie will blow you away.

It deals with racism, prejudice, and the ignorance of our society; and with in us. The movie was well crafted, brilliant, and full of irony. I laughed, I almost cried, I was touched, I was angry, and I could understand.

For all the College students with whom I work...Don't break the movie policy. But when you can, watch this movie.

Movies like this have the power to change us, challenge us, and help us see ourselves differently. Watch this movie with open eyes and an open heart. If you have seen this movie I would love to hear how you felt about it.

Spring Break

Ok...here are some highlights from Spring Break. Order is based on nothing

1. One of my contacts got washed down the drain by an unnamed individual we stayed with. So I had to have a new one made and over nighted down to me.

2. Fifa wake up call

3. Jazzy...you would have to see her understand

4. Eucher with the girls...anything is allowed after 11:30 ;)

5. Andrew and firecrackers

6. An afternoon of crochet

7. Matt sneaking out of the house...because he could.

8. Justin's sweet tea.

9. Outback...Katie finally got to go!

10. The day we hiked.

On top of a rock

I find myself speechless at key moments in my life. Times when I want to say something perfect. I want words that describe my inner thoughts and feelings and be able to beautifully articulate them to the world around me. I sometimes focus too much on this and miss the beauty of silence.

I sat in North Carolina on top of a rock and found myself speechless. Words would have seemed empty to describe the peace and joy my soul felt surveying God's beauty. The grace of the eagles flight, the ripples of the earth perfectly formed to peak and ebb away. My companions also felt the spell of beauty and we found contentment in sitting on top of the rock in the afternoon sun soaking in the view with out talking. I found my soul sang a song I did not know it knew.

The Crazy life

Sometimes it is hard to know what to write here, on this single space which I can call mine. Because somethings in my life are hard to articulate in ways that make sense. How do you explain the joy of learning about someone you never knew. Yet I will never forget the borrowed memories I now have. I play my relatives words over and over in my mind willing myself to capture it forever in my brain...Longing for a connection to someone I should have known and loved.

How do you write about the heart ache of loving someone you never knew? How do you explain to people that you feel a hole in your life knowing that person was never a part of your world and yet everyone else you love had that privilege?

How do you write about carrying other's burdens? Watching tears of pain trickle down their face? Words come to my lips to reply only to look in their face and know my support should be through silence, allowing them to live in their pain.

All of these things I lay at God's feet. I wrestle with them for a bit, grow weary and tired and then surrender them. I willingly give them to God knowing only He can heal my heart of sorrow, only He can carry my loved one's pain.

I think of the song lyrics that say, " Laugh so you don't cry". Laugh...But what is wrong with crying? Maybe we need a time of grief...A time to accept the pain and not deny it.

Today one of my RA's asked me if I was living the crazy life. I laughed and said no but I was working on it. Maybe my answer should have been yes.

The open wound

We always strive to have control. And what a mess of our lives we have made. We have believed the lies of this world that we need to be strong, stand on our own, and guard our selves. Yet in doing this we isolate the very Love that can heal us. We guard our wounds so close turning away every hand that tries to help, missing the nail piercing.

Wrapped up in our selves we grieve our life, we live in fear of rejection and live in our pain and sorrows from the past. We are unwilling to allow people to forgive us or give people the chance to prove us wrong. We don't trust people with our deepest parts because we do not even trust ourselves. The worst part is in not being able to let go and actually forgive ourselves.

We cry out to God for healing or forgiveness but have missed His gift of Grace because we still listen to Satan's lies. We chase after God but do not hide his words of truth in our hearts. We prostitute ourselves out to the world wonder where God is.

Run to God. Believe God. Trust God. Live for God. Find his still small voice and never let go. There are always times of hardship and hurt, times of silence and doubt, but if God is your firm foundation then you will drink from the fountain of peace. You will open up your life and see that the wound you have been trying to fix can only be healed when it is revealed...When it is shared. When you can cry with someone who loves you and grieve the lost together, and allow God to use it for good in your life.

Domestic Goddess

I think I have finally arrived. I use to loath kitchen duties, washing clothes? Yuck. Doing my hair or make-up...Now you are just asking too much! Wait...Who was that? She is now a simply memory of me, the girl who thought she couldn't express her feminine side. The side was always there...She simply despised it. She thought it hindered her from living, from competing, from winning. Funny how sometimes the things we run from end up being the key to what we need.

I look back on my life and am awed by the road that God has brought me down. The blessings He has given me, the relationships I am blessed to have, and the desires of my heart that God has granted me. People sometimes ask the question, "If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?" I answer... "Nothing" I can't live looking back with regret but simply see the ways God was forming my life. Now is the time that I am discovering the girl God wants me to be and I am embracing it.

So yes...I do enjoy cooking, cleaning, and dressing up. I do my make-up and hair. I also will be one of the strongest competitors you might play up against given the right sport and I might even leave dead animals on your car :)

Wrestling with God

...MediaFast Journal excerpt...

Friday January 20, 2006:
...I sit on a Friday night in my apartment…alone, studying, and enjoying silence. Part of me longs to pop in a good movie, pop some popcorn and relax with something distracting… yet what does this achieve? It is still a Friday night alone but instead of doing something constructive I am only distracting myself. ...

It would be nice to have a movie “reward” after studying some nights. It would be nice to turn my mind off and allow the media to dictate what I will hope for and believe. That’s an easy choice. But I look back at the last 5 months of my life and see the way that God has shown up in my life in a real way. I talk to Him all the time. I run to Him first instead of picking up the phone to call and friend and then spend time lamenting that they are not answering. I have learned that to seek to live a certain way is fine but there comes the day when you choose to live like that instead of hoping it will happen. ...

Do I worship what I watch? Have I let in an unseen enemy in my back door, while waiting for someone to break down the front door? I have successfully given up something I thought I could not live with out. ... The things we cling to and see as important are the things God has to wrestle from us for us to see that they mean nothing. Only being broken, living in freedom, and chasing after God is what matters in life.

Being an RD

Life can be rough as an RD...
1. Part of your job includes going out to dinner with people
2. Hanging out with College students who make you laugh
3. Free housing
4. Meeting with people to talk about life in meaningful ways
The list could go on....but you all know I LOVE my job!! :)

Here are some pictures....

My ARD and I...That's her, "we spent too much money at Bravo's" look


Me and Shawna :)

Indulge yourself

One fact about the American Culture has become very clear, we like to indulge ourselves. Taking only what we need it not good enough, we always need more. This is true of the food we eat, the clothes we buy, and the movies we watch. The thirst for adorning ourselves with our hearts desires fills and consumes our lives. If something tastes good but we aren't really hungry for anymore why not enjoy a second helping even if we will feel sick afterwards? If we are shopping and see a cute pair of jeans we buy them even though we have 5 more at home. Movies need to show more nakedness, more violence, and have sly plots with twists and turns because the movie has to be better then the last one we watched.

Our thirst for more will never be quenched. Partly because we are serving ourselves and because we have allowed our culture to blindly feed us this poison with open mouths and eager lips. We are like Edmund from the Lion and The Witch and the Wardrobe. Oh how the Turkish delights fill us with joy and like dogs keeps us wanted more even if that means returning to our own vomit. Let not Satan keep us bound and tied, do not allow him to pacify the Lord's will for our lives. Live with less and discover how that is more.

Peace

The hustle and bustle of the Holiday season sometimes can feel overwhelming. A rush of emotions at seeing loved ones, cherished friends, and constatntly be around people. Yet do we still take time to really rest in HIM during this season? Do we take a deep breath of air and allow God a moment?

Get away...take a walk...seek God and you will find Him. Take a nap, study a favorite scripture, play the guitar. Seek God in a way that allows you to connect with Him and discover the Peace that only He can fill you with.

Why

Questioning God always comes during life's tragedies. The church prays, someone dies anyway, and people are left with a choice. Lean on God or push Him away. People get upset and don't understand why God allows bad things to happen to Christians. We miss the point.

Becoming a Christian is not the golden ticket to a life of no problems. As my mentor told me, it is our opportunity to respond differently then people who do not have the hope of Christ. God tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us, we have poems written about God carrying us during the hard times in our life, and still people reject God.

If we can not model Christ even through our times of sorrow how then are we truly different then people with out Him? We live in a fallen world, life happens, God is big enough. God is capable to do exceedingly more then we could ever imagine. But sometimes life is like this third day song...

" I can't stop the rain from fallen down on you again, but I will hold you till it goes away."

God allows us to go through hard times, but He is always with us.

Elizabeth Elliot said it like this...
Â… Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. ... The love of God did not protect His own Son. ... He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.

Snowed in

Saturday morning I arose, took a shower, got ready, and was patting myself on my back for being ready early. I had just enough time to brush off and warm my car up, drop a book off at the office, and go pick up my sister by 9:30. I opened my door to find this....

I stood in shock for a second and then started laughing, went to my second door and found the same thing. I sheepishly called one of my fellow RD's asking if they had a shovel and if they could come get me out.

Yeah...not going to jump over this one :)

Jones house lives :)

Jones house...Where the men flock like the fish of Capastromie (sp?...dumb and dumber quote modified)



Well the Jones house girls got together this weekend. I know you are all jealous, because a fun time is ALWAYS had by all when we get together!

The Christmas Season

At the center of our home, this time of year, is our Christmas tree. Each ornament has a story and a Christmas when it became part of the family. I smiled as I unwrapped the newer ornaments, they are the easiest ones to forget about. I lovingly unwrap each box. I look at the tree and decide what branch will be the perfect spot for this year. I smile at the memory of each Christmas the ornaments remind me of. A warmth filled my heart as the Christmas music continually played from the dining room. I watched the lights dance on the ornaments making them sparkle and dazzle. The soft glow of the lights made me wish for a fire place with some warm tea, a blanket, and good book.

Home

Sometimes you just miss the ones you love, the ones you lost, and the ones still to come.

I sit in my apartment working on last minute projects. The washing machine humming, my itunes singing, and my heart aching for home. Four months, this is definatly the longest time away for me. I miss my family "in the state up North" as some Ohio State fans might refer to it.
I can't wait to drive back home tomorrow, inhale deeply of my house, and play with my pets. My parents and I will have game nights everynight,I will get to spend time with the fun Wallinga Clan on Turkey day, I will go shopping on Friday morning :), and on Sunday I will return South.
I am thankful for the opportunities God has blessed me with this year. I am thankful for my family here in Indiana helping me feel at home. I am thankful for the amazing women I meet with every Thursday. I am thankful God is patient and loving. I am thankful God loves me so much He won't let me stay where I am but continues to call me to a place of obediance and trust.

The societal question of why and the fragile heart

Why do good girls go after bad boys? This question has long been debated. After some very good discussions and allowing things to percolate (that's for you George!) in my brain for a while I have come to some conclusion. Disclaimer: I am not bitter, I just find this interesting...

Good girls like bad boys perhaps because of the thrill or because they do not see them selves as being worth much. It is easier to like someone who might like you and then leave you allowing yourself to continually feel like crap. If a girl does not like herself why would she pursue relationships with amazing guys...she does not feel as though she measures up. Then you have a girl who takes a risk only to be told "you are a beautiful person" (guys don't ever say that...in girl world it means, "your fat and or ugly")

On the same hand why do guys typically go after the girls who are size 3 or smaller, have blond hair, and seems sort of ditzy? (Yes I'm making a stereotype!) perhaps good girls also run to the bad boys because they might not care as much if she is not supper skinny and ditzy. I am not totally sure why guys generally go for the skinny girls other then the mass media messages.

Are we all just scared of taking risks? Of loving someone and then having them walk away from us? Why do guys not pursue with abandon and girls not allow themselves to be loved?

So where do you fall in this? Do you agree with me? If not I would love to hear what you think!

Chicago, Willow, and Me

Well...I use to think I would like to live in a city for a little while, and perhaps some day that might still happen. But I would like to emphasize that I said I USE to think about living in a city. I went on my staff retreat this weekend to Chicago. There I realized some things about myself.
1. I am a hick! I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but
it is true!
2. I love nature! Not sure I would enjoy running on the streets of
Chicago having grown up running in the country.
3. I am an introvert. This one might shock some of you as well, but I
was pretty overwhelmed the entire time and just wanted to go sit out by
the lake or meander through a museum.
4. I don't jump on banwagons. We went to Willow Creek for church (if
you want more details ask me) but I was not completely sold on becoming
a full time attender if I lived there.

So I guess some day you might find me still living in the country running on open roads, being able to go horse back riding, and growing a nice vegetable garden...but God willing you won't find me living in a big city!

p.s. Chicago is a very nice city, so it is nothing personal against Chicago...which I will be visiting again in a couple weeks :)

Got Levi?

Katie and I where going to dress up in our outfits from other countries, but that felt like too much work...so we dressed up like Levi instead :) Saddly he did not get to see up in person. But we did leave a nice little gift in the office for him :) And yes this is RDs with too much time on their hands and a friend who can take a joke.

When I say I am a Christian...

When I say "I am a Christian"
I am not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing I am weak
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are too visible
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek His name.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

(posted by the Shatford RA staff in: The RACE)

Guitar and Greek

God is pursuing me. But how does one pursue God? How do you show the Creator of the world that you are chasing after Him? How do you grasp the fact that He wants us to pursue Him? I did not know the answer to this, so I prayed. I prayed that God would show me how to pursue Him. He answered...

I had a guitar lesson on Tuesday....I starting translating Greek on Thursday. Each of these days I found myself transported to a place where only God and I exists together. A place of deep love and communion. The place where words are not really needed because someone is revealing something to the other that is too special to put into words.

I pursued God through these two things, and in these two things God met me. I had thought too big. I had imagined I would have to come up with a pursuit different then something I already love to do. Yet I was gently reminded that it was the intimacy with God I found in a taste of these avenues that drove me to go deeper.

When I strum the cords I feel Him, as I sing the songs I sense his pleasure, and as I abandon my heart to Him I find rest. I find peace. I find deep joy.

When I translate the Greek words and see the deeper meaning that English can not grasp, I see a deeper side of God. In the broken Greek I hear His whisper of love. I see the revelation and am touched by the desire it awakens in my heart.

Do you pursue God? Run after Him like a child running to someone you love. Stretch out your arms and be prepared to sink deep into His loving arms.

Fall

I miss Michigan in the fall. I love the multitude of brilliant colors that cascade off the trees. I miss the smell of our house as my mom makes and cans applesauce. I no longer savor the sweet taste of homemade apple crisp. I long to feel the cool breeze on my face at night. I look longingly at my soft fleeces and sweaters wanting so much to wear them. But Fall is not the same here in Indiana... "Sigh"

New Star

So I was surfing the web and came across this new up and coming actor who is going to be staring in a movie called "I was going to graduate but went surfing instead" I think he might have a very promising career. On his personal profile he said he likes cooking with flour and eggs, fishing with Stink bait, and trying to hook his roommate from college up with other people. Let me know what you think :)

The Secret Garden

Have you ever seen the movie "The Secret Garden"? The basic story is of a little girl who looses her parents and moves from India to England to live with her distant Uncle. She has nothing to do all day and ends up wandering around the gardens of the estate. One day she finds a locked garden, she has in the mean time found an old key, so putting two and two together she unlocks the garden. This is her secret place where she begins to find a purpose and is driven to fix up the garden. She is not sure what to do but with the help of one of her only friends they plant and weed the garden. Through hard labor, toil, and sweat she works diligently to see the garden fixed up for spring.

As the movie unfolds it is evident the little changes in the girl's life. She begins to smile and laugh more, she comes alive with her new found love of gardening. By spring the Garden is beautiful, but she is afraid her Uncle will lock it back up once he finds out. (there is more to the story but you will have to read the book or watch the movie)

I find that some days I am the garden, locked and waiting for God to come in and weed, plant new things, and help cultivate(I know you are smirking Matt, Tim, and Phil) what is already there. He takes time to clear away the leaves, to pick out the weeds no matter how stubborn they are, He plants new things and tenderly waters and protects them. God sees my hidden beauty and wants to make it the best that He can. He takes time and has patience. My beauty in due time is being revealed to not only others but also myself

Other times I feel like the little girl. I have been hurt and confused and have found a purpose and task that God has helped me discover. I see the hard work ahead and recognize the sacrifice of time. I see the effort I have to put forth to change. I know that it is only through the hard work and risk of loosing it all that makes this process worth while. I see myself changing in little ways and opening up to those around me more and more. I see that I am not the same girl at the beginning of the movie. In the course of life I have begun to live.

The road behind

In my life I have always been focused on the road ahead of me. I try to strain and see what might be lying ahead. I read verses such as "the Lord is a lamp unto my feet" and I thought, "hey God turn the brights on, the fog is think out here." I remember being excited about graduating from High School. I craved a new beginning and a new chance to start over. I viewed my transition to college as making a turn down a new road and planned on never looking back. I always though the past is behind me.

Yet something Pastor DeNeff said in Church a couple weeks ago stirred my heart. I thought back to my past and saw how it had followed me even when I was not looking. I realized I knew this from the moment I stepped on to campus. I had been fighting it every time I would sneaked a look behind me. It has always lurked there in the shadows that I cast upon it.

I felt some freedom from my past this previous January when I had the amazing privilege to speak in chapel. I opened my heart and allowed others to hear my pain and challenge them to think outside the box. I still have so much to learn. But on Sunday Pastor DeNeff said that by looking at our past we see evidence of God. With new eyes I turned my head and took a long look back at everything in my life. Guess what? God was everywhere.

Celebration

I celebrate you. I see your strengths and your color in life and I rejoice in being able to witness it and be allowed to be a part of that. I no longer desire the things I can not have in you. I celebrate you by smiling, cheering, laughing, and showing you in small ways that I appreciate you. You are no longer the menacing person who hinders me in what I can do. You are no longer the opponent I will never beat. You are no longer frustrating to me.

I accept that I am a girl and I have limitation. You are a guy. I celebrate you! I like watching you play and be aggressive. I enjoy the display of "guyness". Thank you for showing me the masculine side of God.

I don't know what to say

An infinite amount of words could not express what I am feeling today. I marvel at my surroundings. I am in a place that I never would have imagined a year ago. A year ago I was making plans to go to Africa, I was convinced that I would never getting married (and upset about this), and I lived in complete bondage to my mind.

Today I am an RD at an amazing school, I am happier single today then I have been in the last four years, and am making changes in my life and am becoming Free. I have found my place in God's plan and it is far different then what I planned. Yet being here knowing God placed me in this place for a reason gives me confidence I never knew I had. Not so my will and my agenda can be done but so that those I touch see something HE has chosen for them to see.

I feel so humbled by what I get to do and how I get to love on people. Sure I am still under attack by Satan, yet I know my GOD is big enough, strong enough. It was said in a book I just read that, "faith does not become your own till it is tested." I have awoken from a deep sleep of bondage to find myself in a lovely valley filled with hurt, pain, and people desperate to be loved. My heart breaks and I cry easier then before.

I am changed...I am happy...I am content...God is good.

Life

I think too often we try to drowned the smell of life. On Saturday my staff helped at a Community Youth Outreach Center. Inside the building I was caught off guard by the smell that assaulted my nostrils. With every breath I had a memory of a mission trip overseas. Smells in other countries are strong, but here I have never smelled anything. I found the same smell in that old building.

Life. It's odor was everywhere. Some people commented on needing some fresh air after being in the building too long, but for me I found myself drawn to it. True it did not smell nice. It smelled real. Time, dust, tears, and life filled every corner of the room. I did not want to escape, I run too often from the real stuff in life. I want to drowned out the world through watching movies or reading a book. If I don't see or smell it, it must not exist.

Life happens, things change. Do you smell it? Do you feel it's sweet nectar on your lips? Do you embrace it? Do you run away?

If I could choose

I was playing Ultimate Frisbee last night and saw a swallow flying around the field. After watching the bird swoop, fly straight up while doing a barrel role, and then zoom off I decided I would like to be a swallow. A bird's eye view of God's creation, soaring high and doing tricky flying moves. Count me in!

That's all I wanted to share :)

No more

This weekend I was confronted by a true friend. He called me out on what he saw going on in my life and I was glad. I realized I have let certain things in my life take root in my attitudes. On inquiring with God about this it became very clear that I need to give up TV, Movies, videos, Video games, etc.. For the next year I will not voluntarily watch them. A few exceptions will be made for a video shown in chapel or showing my mission trip video...but other then that nothing!

I am very excited about this opportunity to flush the worldly influence from my system and learn more about myself. I will also use this as a chance to be a better steward of my time. I will be able to have more meaningful interactions and more quality time spent with friends. Let the year long fast begin!!!

Moda

He sat playing his guitar like a drug. The rhythm of the music rocked him gently as he sat. One leg folded under his body the other hanging down. It suited him to be slightly sipping on a drink between songs. The words he sang soothed the folds of my heart. I enjoyed the conversations around me, participated, and then sat to listen as he opened his heart and let it all hang out. He was intense in pouring himself out with his music, he desired us all to catch his passion and love.

His t-shirt in jeans were the perfect contrast to the room cloaked in formal design. He seemed to have been plucked out of a coffee shop and set down in this room of dress shirts and skirts. This did not bother him, he had his music and he needed nothing else.

To rejoice or not to rejoice, that is the question

The verse in the bible that always concerned me was the one that talks about rejoicing in times of suffering. I remember thinking that Paul must really have misunderstood something or was really confused. Why in the world would anyone rejoice in times of suffering? Doesn't God see that I am down, hurt, and in need of Him?

But that is the beauty and simplicity of the message. It ties in with the idea that when we are weak God is strong. When we are tired, burdened, or suffering that is when we only need to cry out to God and He is right there holding us, helping us, and carrying us.

The joy is in the denial of ourselves and the acknowledgement that we must call on God to help us. We have to the joy of clinging to God, to draw that much closer to God, and to be held by Him longer. Today my heart rejoiced in being reminded of this. I could actually praise God for the hardships of transitions, I could sing praise to His name for the promise of blessings yet to come, and found gladness swelling in my heart in realizing that He is right here holding my hand and will never let go.

Wedding pictures

Just a quick picture of us girls before Pete and Nicki's wedding at Tina's house.

At the wedding it is Me and Jen with Pete and Nicki.

Alone

Fun how things happen. One day up the next day down.
I stand, I sit, and then sing out loud.
I watch the silence pass.
I listen for a noise.

I hear nothing coming and something going.
Silence sometimes seems like death.
I try to call but no one's home.
I cry.

God comes near and I feel so unworthy of Him.
I feel His gentle hands around me.
I block out the devils' lies.
I let truth seep inside.

This too shall pass.

The girl

She sat for a long time watching nothing. Her eyes carried a far away look of thinking, pondering, remembering. It is hard to tell what she might really be thinking. There was an elegance about the way she carried herself. A smile seemed to be hiding behind her brooding eyes; it leaped out and radiate her face as a familiar friend passed by.

What haunted her? What makes her cry? Why was she just sitting there, letting people loudly walk by? Did not the noise bother her? Or does she simply not see? She quietly stood and walked away leaving me with only her memory and a touch of mystery.

Embracing the Ambiance

His voice rose in haunting tones. The rise and fall as he sang pierced my heart. Now reflecting back, the words he sang almost swallowed in the noise of the park, I remember his stoop as he sang. I see the way he felt the words deep with in him. They seemed too painful to utter, yet with every breath he let them burst from his lips. This was his tribute, his sacrifice, and his life.

Where he comes from I do not know. I stared at his slightly homeless look. At first hearing his deep voice I did not think of him as a singer, more a man making noise. Yet the longer we stood looking at shirts, and listening to the people filing down to the dock, his voice had such a calm appeal. The way he sang and the rich tone that filled the air shattered my first impression.

Why was he standing there? Where did he come from? What journey brought him here in front of the statue of liberty? What did this sacrifice of service cost him? I wished not to leave his strange enchanting song, yet my feet carried me away.

Boys

Sometimes I think boys have all the luck. They get to use words such as dangerous and wild to describe themselves. These things are not perceived as bad but as a passage from boy to manhood. But as a girl I also crave adventure and feeling wild. But these words do me no good in being described as such. The negative connotations that follow women around break my heart. Girls have been oppressed by the fear of a scarlet letter. We are the ones to whom people look down if there is any signs of being pregnant outside of marriage.

But what about guys? They get off with no one ever really knowing. "Well, boys will be boys" might be said and others might have a few words. But women are in bondage at lest 9 months in silent whispers, disapproving looks, and the cold indifference of most people. (not excluding Christians sadly)

I am not bashing boys or saying that this is there fault, but they certainly don't run around trying to help wipe clear the smugged name of the girls in their life. I wish that I could be free of the bondages of this world enough to live wildly and be scandalous (in a good way).

Guys help your female friends and family members feel pride in being a woman. Uplift her and protect her. Help her realize everything she can be. Let not the oppress of this world turn her into a broken, defiled, and hurting person.

I'm stepping off my soap box now...

Expectations

I find myself in a state of expectancy. You see at my district camp I expect to find God. I expect to feel His presence. I expect to be changed.

I pondered this expectancy this past week at camp. I love Hastings camp and find it a resting place for my soul in so many ways. This year was the final transition from teen, adult who helps with teens, to reaching a place in the adult world. I struggled with this, finding a place amongst the older and wiser, the richer and poorer, and the married. Some of this might have been distracting but at camp nothing really matters. People are there because they loving being there and because we have all found and met with God there.

Shouldn't I also have that same expectancy anywhere I travel. Should I not look at every area of my life expecting God to talk to me there as well. Does God not reside in me, near me, and with me? Yet there are days when life feels so hard.

The lesson I learned this week is sometimes doing what is required is the hardest thing to do, but yields the greatest reward.

Live close to God this week and Expect great things!

The night out...

Night out with some friends....a very lively game of gestures followed ;)

Titus Andrew Mowat

My newist little nephew :) The good news is that he is out of the hospital breathing fine and no longer yellow.

The beach

I love Grand Haven, MI !!!!

The reason why

Why do we need Jesus? It appears to be a simple question, but it is not. I thought a lot about this question during the last week (10 hour one way trips will do that. I would look around me at rest stops and this question would enter my mind. How could I sum up why someone needs salvation? This perplexed me greatly. My entire life I have been told I need to evangalize and this has scared me to death. I care about people but I am much more one on one relational. You have to acquire the right to be in people's lives.

Yet for so long the message has been one of "Fire and Brimstone". Repent ye sinner or go to Hell. What are we trying to sell Fire insurance? That is not a good reason people need Jesus. If that is why they become a Christian what motivates them to stay committed? The personal NEED for Jesus has to come from God. There is nothing I can say or do to persuade a person that they need Jesus in their lives, that can only come from God. For someone like me is someone comes and tries to sell me the "fire insurance" version of Salvation I miss the loving God. I miss the Jealous God. I miss the God who loved me so much He sacrificed His own son for me!

I am humbled by this and feel so unworthy of God. Yet he chooses to love us even when we are unlovable. He comforts us when we are sad. He provides for us when we don't think it would be possible. And He lets us experience pain and hurt to help refine us to become more like Him. To His name is all the GLORY and HONOR!

This is the reason why people need God...because He so freely gives us the grace and love we don't deserve. He is the only one who understands us completely. He is the only one who raises the bar of expectations and then helps us make it no matter what it takes.

Fresh grown Strawberries

My dog was out helping me water our strawberries. How thoughtful for her to run around, squat, and then poop right in the middle of one of the berry plants. I laughed really hard.

That's it....my dog pooped in the strawberries. (This of course upset my dad and wanted to know why she did it. So I explained that it had to definitely be a pre-mediated act on her part. How dare she poop, what kind of dog does she think she is!)

p.s. Mike my dog says hi ;)

Personal Pampering

Yesterday I got a haircut. I hopefully will be able to post a picture soon. I have not gotten a professional haircut in probably over a year. I usually don't care that much who cuts my hair knowing it is hair. It's one job is to grow...so no matter what might happen it won't be forever.

I sat in the chair loving every minute of my hair wash, listening to the soft rock station in the background, and then watching my hair stylist clipping away my dark locks. Yes, my hair is short again. For those of you that I have told I want to grow my hair out for locks of love....yes the time is coming. I want to have healthy hair if I am going to donate it. So if you haven't gone to get your hair cut lately, I would suggest it.

Work'n the What?!?!

I had the joy of being in Newburg Oregon this past week. The time flew by with the very funny comedy due of Dr. Voss and Dr. Thompson, whitewater rafting, and watching Mt. Saint Helen's smoke. As we walked into the airport to leave I saw a kid of maybe 18 waddling due to his sagging shorts (he did have a belt in his hand...but I don't think they were really going to hold them up that much) he had gage earrings, tattoos, and his had on backwards and to the side. Yes you have guessed it, this kid was trying the "skater/punk" look. I couldn't help but wonder if he is what he wears or wears what he is.

Does he dress this way for acceptance or because it is really him? Do we do the same thing in our Christian walk...we know how to dress, act, and talk but the heart doesn't quite follow. Some people know how to dress to impress and what they are suppose to do and say.

God really challenged me in being consistent with who I am and how I act. Let my words be few and my actions be great. Let God be reflected in my lips and heart.

Camping with the family

This past weekend was the traditional camp out of the Wallinga Clan. This is the weekend we pack up our trailers and drive an hour and a half up north to the middle of no-where. We pull our campers into a clearing off a dirt road and set up for the weekend. My Grandpa brings a lawn mower and trims the grass, a fire is build, wood is found and dragged behind one of the 5-6 trucks sitting around, two tracking through sand and mudd occurs on Saturday, and sitting around the campfire is always a must.

Not to mention all the card games, washer game, walks through the woods and down the road to the bridge, plus giving everyone a hard time and reminiscing about past family gatherings. We always have a good time and we always enjoy bringing friends up to join in the festivities.

Oh and the best part is no showers :)

Hurting

Today is a "girly" day. It is slightly my fault, I started the day off with Robin Hood Prince of thieves. I caught myself thinking how nice it would be to be pursued by a guy. Someone who can't wait to hear what I have to say and me waiting with anticipation for him to speak as well. (tried to warn you..."girly" day.)Then my cousin e-mail saying we should get a group together and do something this weekend when I'm home...but I don't really have any friends back home. They are all married, and every time I call they always seem busy or their spouse doesn't want to do anything. The fact of the matter is I find myself missing people so much it hurts.

I have staff pictures for my screen saver. Every picture is tied to a memory, every memory usually involves laugher, love, and security. I don't know where I am right now. I don't know what tomorrow looks like and I want you all back here with me helping me know what to do.

But you can't be here. I am an adult now. I have to suck it up and begins to live on my own. My secret is that I came out of High School accustom to doing everything on my own because I didn't have a strong friend group. This past year God gave me you. I forget how lonely being a lone soldier is. I have been holding on to the last few friends here at school but in the next week I have to let go of them too.

I am praying that God would bring people into my life to fill your gap...but I know no matter who they are they won't be you. They won't make me laugh or smile the same way you did. So tonight I morn the loss of being a college student. I rejoice in having the priviledge of knowing you. And I look forward to God suprising me by having our paths cross again someday, even if I have to wait till we are in Heaven.

A shot in the dark

Doe life get you down? That's ok, according to Hollywood all one needs is a strong drink of liquor and the world quickly fades away. Pass out and leave your problems behind. What type of message is this?

Time and time again I see movies and TV shows that promote drink during times of hardship. What are they try to do? Turn the Western Culture into alcoholic's? There are better ways of dealing with problems but I guess the only ones that the media wish to promote are destructive and unhelpful. How does getting drunk or passing out solve anything?

Garbage in = garbage out

The breast night

Last night I accompanied my sister to a pregnancy class. I did not know before going what type of class this was.....it was a breast feeding class. I sat for two hours learning about the breast and it's milk producing capabilities. Now some of it was very interesting and the nurse giving the class is actually a lactation coach.

The highlights of the night included the touchy feely couple that couldn't keep their hands off each other for the entire class and the old school video that they showed. Yes I was the only non-pregnant girl in the room and I wanted to sit and giggle the entire time.

The beginning of the end

I went to a wedding this weekend back home. I knew everyone in the wedding party and a lot of the guests that came to show support. As I sat there a million memories flooded my mind involving those around me, some which I had not seen or talked to in over 4 years. As the wedding proceeded I felt myself almost leave my body(stick with me) almost as if I was removing myself to see this from a different view point. I looked and saw a happy bride and groom, supportive parents, and a church full of happy faces. Then I looked and saw a girl watching the people with joy and hurt. Old wounds, fears, and tears flooded her mind. The room began to suffocate her, she took deep breaths and tried to focus on the wedding.

She knew that no one in the room saw her as what she was but what she had been. The wounds of the past reared their heads fresh and painful. I looked down and saw her fight back tears and caught myself holding my breath. I knew that pain and understood the hurt because it was me. Who knew that one wedding could do all that to a girl. I am thankful that God has given me what he has and blessed me with amazing friends and people who love me for who I am and what I am working to become.

Blessings

I sometimes miss the blessings God gives me. I have a perception of lacking due to my culture and desire to acquire things. Yet when I take the time to look around me I see that God is taking care of me and is supplying all my needs.

It is the little things in life that God does that blows me away. I might see and desire a bigger need only to miss the little details He is taking care of for me. God provides and gives me such peace when I stop looking for ways to do things on my own and let Him take care of everything.

Trust God, and look for the blessings in your life!

Church

The church. Today it is looked at as the place of hypocrites and seekers, but where are the Christians? Do they not know how the world views them? I worked with a lady that jokingly said we all stood around swaying our hands in the air to music, something she had seen on television. Have we become another pop culture marketable item?

The church needs to come back to what it was designed for, the Christians. The church needs to be the place where Jesus is taught...not for the "lost" but for the tired and lonely Christian who needs to be encouraged and supported because of the tedious work of living contagiously. You see we are to become more like Christ...in doing this and living as Jesus did we will live with passion, love, and a desire to touch those who are hurting.

This does not include picketing outside of an abortion clinic nor shouting at the top of our lungs that being a homosexual is wrong and they will burn in hell. Where did Jesus act like this. Jesus loved people, he met there where they were at and touched them there. He knew the stories behind the hurt and gave everlasting water to those who asked.

The church needs to pick this torch up again, not staying in the rut of social conformity but churning out real and genuine men and women of faith. People who love, live, and walk as Jesus did. This type of love has power because it is not fake, self serving, or condemning. It is healing, perfect, and selfless. It works because this love does not come from us, but from God who chooses to allow us be the carriers and givers of His love to those who are in need.

"Come all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest." ~Jesus

Gone

Sunday May 1st....Wal-Mart looked like a nursing home. I did not realize that they all get their social security checks at the beginning of the month and go shopping as soon as they can. As I was walking to a check out, item's to purchase in my hands, I heard an old man call to his wife saying something to the effect of "Come this way mother." The sweet old lady in front of me started to walk in the direction of her husband, I smiled thinking how great it would be to be old someday...when I realized she was farting quiet loudly with every step she took. She did not even seem to notice of react...then again her hearing is probably gone :)

Cinco de Mio!!!

Camp fires

What about fire makes it mezmerising? Last night I sat and stared at the fire Matt and Phil built. I savored every moment watching the little flames lick the wood and devour it mercilessly. I felt it's warmth and listened to Matt playing the guitar as Phil would answer one of my questions. Matt's truck was pulled up so he could sit on the tailgate while Phil and I sat in chairs.

This is what being friends is all about. Sitting around letting silence endure, allowing deep conversation to flow, and not caring if tears flow freely. Songs about major life events should be played and appreciated by those who experienced the same things, but do not have the gift of putting the pounding of their hearts into song lyrics.

Today I cried. Today my heart hurt. Today I felt your absence, and it seems to big to endure. Today I remembered. Today I smiled. Today I thanked God for you and said a prayer.

To be or not to be?

This weekend I asked a random question.."If you had to be the opposite gender what would you look forward to the most?" ...I was thinking about how sometimes it would be nice to pee standing up. The guys proceeded to say they would never want to be a girl and even the other girls there where saying how there is nothing good to being female. WHAT!?!?

Have we all been so diluted by the media and our culture that we acutely think there is something bad about being a female? I sat and though about this...girls have more cutting names thrown at them then guys, women are seen as weak and inferior, and that we are one big emotionally charged, sobbing, out of control person.

Wow, don't you get it? Satan does. Women are so powerful yet we allow guys to call us things such as sluts, whores, and worse. Why do you think our culture is geared towards putting women down, abusing them, using them, and then walking away?

We have the privilege of protecting new life with in us (being pregnant), raising childen, and supporting our husbands and showing them love, which in turns perpetuates them to greater success. True we may be emotional sometimes...but so what? What is wrong with that? I like being able to cry and sound ridiculous sometimes. I sit with my friends upset and by the end we are crying from laughing. Too much of my life I bought the lie that it is better to be a guy then a girl, and I am sick of it!

Embrace being a girl, and if you are a guy affirm the girls in your life. When we put women down we are putting God down. He made us ALL (men AND women) in HIS IMAGE. We are all a piece of Him.

My Bridal Shower

I am getting my own apartment. But unlike half of my graduating class I will be buying most of my necessities. I am not getting married, meaning I will not have 5 bridal showers in order to acquire the things I need. I am not really bitter about this but see this as an unfair advantage to those girls.

Just because they have a shiny rock on their left ring finger, a date picked, and a guy they are going to get hitched to. What about me...I have student loans to repay, grad school to start, and a new job to start in August.

So in rebellion I have thought about going and registering for gifts...but what kind of party could I call that? And would people actually come just for me and not for me and some guy they might not even know? I think in the world of Christian culture single girls leaving college are expected to be able to provide for them selves and the girls who are getting married are seen as being in need.

Not really sure why...but I think that is a little bit backwards. I am proud to be graduating single and very excited about my job and apartment. I only wish I had a way of getting the things I need on the meager budget I have...though I do hear they have nice looking rings at Wal-Mart.

Antiqued

They came creeping up the stairs,
silent and unheard.
The roommates slept, undisturbed.
A flash of white,
A "What the heck?"
Flour covered our home.
Now we vacuum all night long,
wishing we had been prepared.

horrible Poem...I know. But this represents last night, or shall I say early this morning. Three cheers to the guys who pulled this off, my roommate and I did not see it coming, having believed they would not rise to the challenge of returning a prank, we were both passed out (I did not hear anything, but woke up because I felt something falling on me), and creativity...they did it to us before we got a chance to do it to them!

Lessons learned....Flour sticks around on everything!
Boys leave behind evidence(cough, Matt)
My Roommate is slightly allergic to flour
We now have the "white lung" (for any Zoolander fans)

Way to go guys...good prank.

Goodbye

I've been thinking about good-byes lately. (I wonder why (note sarcasms))

This past year of my life has been amazing! I want to say that I think of all the staff's on campus... we have the best! I love every moment of hanging out with everyone, it never felt like work or an obligation. (ok so sometimes rounds did) I hope my future holds more people like those I had the privilege of working with this year.

I know I am getting all mushy and girly, but this needs to be said! I guess I wanted a chance to put my emotions out there and let the people I work with know I care. I see sooo much potential in each and everyone one of you. I am excited for God's plan for your lives. People will be blessed, lives will be touched, and people will be changed. You might wonder how I can predict this...it is what you have done for me.

The interview

Job interviews...a reality of life. Some will be good, maybe some bad. But in order to get a shot at the job you want you have to go through them. I had such an interview on Thursday. After the day was over I was exhausted, puzzled by this I took a two hour nap and woke up realizing I had spend 5 hours of that day selling myself. I know I don't fully understand what I'm jumping into, but I have had doubts filling my mind. Was the interview bad you ask? No, it went really good. But I think I am getting scared of the real world. It doesn't always have Salomon colored buildings, meals obtained through swiping, and people putting speakers to their windows and sharing their tunes. I will miss that!

Life seems big and scary, but I don't have a choice. God will take care of me. I have been blessed with the prayers of a lot of people for this whole job process, yet all I can think about is every possible way I could mess it up if I do get it. But I have not been trying to think about it...it is in God's hands. Where ever He leads...I will follow.

God has been preparing me for something, and no matter what it is He will help me through it, He will give me strength to complete it, and He will not worry about me messing it up.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Kara,
I just wanted to drop you a letter and clear some things up. I know we have known each other for a long time, but I have not always been completely honest with you all the time. I just wanted to apologize for some of the things I have said and done to you in the past. Ok, here goes.
I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for all the time I have told you that you were not good enough. I'm sorry for making you judge people and not trust them. I'm sorry for keeping you from taking risks. I'm sorry for making you believe lies about yourself, how you look, and how others see you. I'm sorry for making you think that what others think of you is so important. I'm sorry for forcing you to say hurtful things. I'm sorry for putting you down and never encouraging you. I'm sorry that I bring up the past all the time. I'm sorry that I hold you back from loving people sometimes. I'm sorry that I cause you to be selfish sometimes. I'm sorry that I don't forgive you when you mess up.
I really hope I have covered everything. I guess I would like a second chance. I mean...I really can't live with out you. I will try really hard to fix everything I just apologized for. I can't make any promises but I can only offer the hope of God helping me. Think about it and let me know.

~sincerely,
Your "flesh"

The social agenda

Everyone has an agenda...no, there is no way out of this one. I saw a girl walking around today in a short skirt. Her agenda might be to look cute...but that doesn't mean everyone will look at it like that. Or take a vocal person who has to verbalize a strength in the face of someone's perceived weakness...what is there agenda, to make themselves look good and put the other person down?

Everyday a little piece of me wants to impress the world, look good for those who have to interact with me, and be socially acceptable in making people laugh and feel comfortable. What I do with these thoughts and possible actions is huge. If my agenda is to please myself and others I have missed the point of why I am a Christian. My agenda has to be God's agenda. I have to learn to look at people through God's eyes and live everyday seeking his truth for my life.

I want to love those around me. I want to help people understand God better. I want people to become Christians...but why? For me, for my world, for my culture, or for the Creator?

All things new

Spring, we have all been anticipating it for months now and yesterday re-awoke the desire for it. As I walked back to my house I heard a noise and realized it was the tree branches groaning and creaking in the wind. I looked at the tree and realized it was full of wine red buds. The potential of life waiting to burst worth. I became excited and thought about the seasons. Would we be thankful for spring if it was not the light at the end of a cold, white, tunnel of winter? Would summer seem as fun if it was not the climax of warmth and sunshine? Would fall's tapestry of color be less beautiful to us if we saw it every day?

I know I am asking rhetorical questions, but it is because we all know the answer. We would hate to admit it but winter gives us the joy for spring. Spring helps us love summer, and so on. Yet we easily become board with what we are given...always seeking change when the current surroundings no longer fits into our wants and desires.

I find I do this with God sometimes. I catch myself in a moment of joy and excitement but the novelty soon wears off. My culture thrives on instant gratification and so my ingrained desire is to run and find the next moment to fill me with joy. I grow tired of the valleys and become frustrated with God. Yet in all these things He is whispering "Patience". I have found that when I dwell in the moment and not wait with an anxious heart, that's when I find God, that's when I see a little more of the plan for my life, and that's when I feel loved. I take the time to allow God to show me.

So dwell in the last few cloudy days, the cold wind, and rain. Let Spring come in its own time...

The cripple

Well before Spring Break I sprained my ankle. Under normal cirucmstances this would not be so bad...but for Spring Break, no one wants to limp around. But to make matters more interesting I was going on a Mission Trip To Sri Lanka. There is nothing better then limping around when you are trying to make the impression that you are there to help.

The point to all this is that my ankle ended up not even being an issue in stopping me from having fun and being able to help. But before I went on the trip I caused a fellow student an interesting quandry one morning....

I went to breakfast that Wednesday morning as usual. A little tired from lack of sleep and limping because of my swollen ankle. My plan was simple, go in and get breakfast and then head to the nurse's to find out what they could do for me. I got my tray, filled my plate, and headed over to the drink line. I was half way there when I realized the guy in line behind me for food was also heading to the drink line. This normally would not be a problem but he was walking full speed and then noticed I was limping in the same direction that he was. He hesitated having the choice of either slowing down and letting me go first or staying commited to his brisk walk and clearly beat me to the line. I chuckled to myself knowing it didn't matter to me and slightly ammused at the quandry I was putting him in.