The Crazy life

Sometimes it is hard to know what to write here, on this single space which I can call mine. Because somethings in my life are hard to articulate in ways that make sense. How do you explain the joy of learning about someone you never knew. Yet I will never forget the borrowed memories I now have. I play my relatives words over and over in my mind willing myself to capture it forever in my brain...Longing for a connection to someone I should have known and loved.

How do you write about the heart ache of loving someone you never knew? How do you explain to people that you feel a hole in your life knowing that person was never a part of your world and yet everyone else you love had that privilege?

How do you write about carrying other's burdens? Watching tears of pain trickle down their face? Words come to my lips to reply only to look in their face and know my support should be through silence, allowing them to live in their pain.

All of these things I lay at God's feet. I wrestle with them for a bit, grow weary and tired and then surrender them. I willingly give them to God knowing only He can heal my heart of sorrow, only He can carry my loved one's pain.

I think of the song lyrics that say, " Laugh so you don't cry". Laugh...But what is wrong with crying? Maybe we need a time of grief...A time to accept the pain and not deny it.

Today one of my RA's asked me if I was living the crazy life. I laughed and said no but I was working on it. Maybe my answer should have been yes.