My Heart

What is the value of a heart? What is worth the cost of fighting for it? I am not sure I have the answer to these questions. I am not even sure I understand the cost of fighting for a heart. But this last month I have found myself fighting for my heart. As a little girl I grew up with the idea of a knight in shinning armor coming to sweep me off my feet and be my protector. I wanted someone who would fight for me...my Robin Hood, Aladdin, or Wesley(The Princess Bride). I never really thought about fighting for my heart, it seemed part of the Knight's package deal, if I was safe then my heart would be as well. But the problem is how can someone fight for my heart who doesn't know it? From another person I can easily hid parts of my heart and there are parts that are hidden from me.

Looking into your own heart is a scary job and one that takes time. I have found myself struggling this month, walking through a dense forest. Branches and undergrowth pulling at my clothes and arms as I struggle to keep moving forward. Walking through parts of my heart I have not really looked into and am discovering. I have been feeling the exhaustion of self reflection and the turmoil that becomes unearthed. Seeing flashes of people I have loved and lost and the pain of words and actions against me. But through every moment of remembering and surrender I have pushed on. I push on because I know that God is a God who heals and makes things new. A God who is wanting to come into our hearts and transform us if we invite Him in.

I feel so blessed that I get to walk this path. A path of truth and grace, filled with love and hope. Because those are the things I have found on this struggle. To look at my brokenness and discover the walls I have built to guard my tender heart and know that it is time to take them down. It is time to allow God in to heal those fortified cities that are aching with pain. I think of the reasons the walls were built and it feels daunting. I stand and look at it knowing why it is there and unsure how it can be dismantled. But I have to choose to believe that God can do it because as I get close to the wall my heart shouts that it can't be broken down, not even by God.

But I want it down and I want to stop living out of my brokenness. I want the freedom that comes with truth and love. I want it so much that it makes every step and every struggle worth it. How much is a heart worth? I think the better question is how much is freedom worth? How much is living in truth free from the weight of brokenness worth? For me it is priceless and even as I struggle to stay motivated to make changes, I know that living in old ways will keep me locked in a prison I no longer want to live in.

Koh Kong

I have finally found the place in Cambodia I want to live...maybe forever ;) It has the Ocean on one side and the Mountains on the other. It is green and beautiful...and well very quiet. Some how when it is only 40,000 people instead of 4 million there is less noise. I was amazed when I woke up in the morning and hear a guy actually telling his dog to stop barking...novel idea. The reason I wen to Koh Kong, which is a boarder town with Thailand, was to visit one of my Uncle's Sisters who is a Missionary Doctor with her husband. I could have cried eating the Midwest delicacy of pea soup and bread she had ready when we arrived off the bus. Sigh...it tasted like home. And for this weekend it is was I needed. I needed the peaceful setting and comforts of home. The city is very draining after a while.

Danielle and I

The afternoon we arrived we went out to see a Mangrove forest with a walk way winding through. It was fun being surrounded by green and looking for crab's in the black dirt as we walked out. We crossed a suspension bridge at the end and felt like I was back in Elementary school on the playground equipment, but this time if someone started jumping up and down we would all fall in the water. After the bridge was an observation tower where we got a full look at the area.

Walk Way

One of the 4 different kinds of crabs I saw

The next morning it was raining but as this area of Cambodia gets one of the highest in rainfall(they got 4 inches that morning) all year we headed out when it changed from a down pour into a drizzle. Mary took us to see the hospital were she works and the around town. We all road bicycles and the rain even let up as we go to the river area. We ate lunch at the house before heading out to see a waterfall. We had to do a little "off roading" and I could only think of my cousins and how much fun they would have had with their trucks...and I got to do it on the back of a dirt bike :)
Mode of transportation


Crossing a River on the way to the waterfall


Mary and Hubert


The waterfall

Later that night we got cleaned up and went out for dinner at this great restaurant. Eat sitting area is a little hut and you sit on the floor to eat. They also had hammocks we made good use of :) The food was great and very peaceful as we sat and listened to fish jumping while dusk settled over the day.


View from our table


Where we sat to eat

On Sunday Danielle and I got on the bikes to take some last minute pictures before church. We had our final lunch before catching our bus back to the city. I was very sad to leave and am planning on finding more time to go back. Apparently they have an Animal show close by as well and it sounds like something similar to Sea World...I am very curious :)

Rain

It is now Rainy season here. For those from the Mid West or any climate that lacks a Rainy season let me break this down for you. Everyday still dawns with sunshine and warmth, humidity that envelops me as I walk out of my bedroom door (I sleep with my AC on). But the difference is that I pack a rain jacket when I head out because you never know exactly when and if the rain will hit. I have been out on my bike pedaling like my life depended on it to get home in time as I hear the thunder crack through the sky knowing now that sometimes hearing it means I am too late.

I knew it would only be a matter of time before I got caught out in the storm. I had been out on Saturday morning and as my Moto driver was heading to my house the clouds looked quite promising and as the rain began to pour my key was in my lock and I was able to duck inside without too much moister on my clothes.

(Picture from Thailand but exact same as here)

Yesterday was the day I finally got caught. I had been out with friends and we had picked a location with Wi Fi to work on our laptops together. We didn't want to sit cooped up in our offices when we could take advantage each other's company. As we were getting ready to leave it started to pour so we decided to wait it out. Usually it rains about an hour and then is done. So as it started to become more of a light spitting we headed back to our houses...but we noticed the sky as we got closer to home. The thunder peeled across the sky and the rain became harder. I was trying to pedal faster but when it rains everyone speeds up and even the people in cars, who are staying dry, seem to be rushing. Really? You aren't getting soaked! I had my rain jacket on and a rain covering over my backpack which held my lap top.

The rain was coming down as hard as the picture shows and I was in it. Trying to keep my eyes open but it became harder and harder to see as water dripped down me and was soaking me to the bone. I started laughing because I knew I looked ridiculous and my friend was laughing too. It really didn't matter how wet I was getting...what is the rush when you already feel like you are being continually doused with a hose? My joy was increased as I saw a family standing under a shower of water coming off their roof, soap in the hair waiting to rinse it off. Why not? A free shower is nice. The road was starting to swell with water and as I stood dripping in my door way I was thankful to discover my lap top was till nice and dry.

A piece of my world

An unwelcome guest in our house...(who shortly after this photo meet an unpleasant end)

The question is who made it and what size is it? (thank you Russian market :) )

A painting I bought in one of the markets

My bed with mosquito net

My chair and lamp

The Beach

So a few days before my craziness hit in May I had a chance to go to the beach! We had a two day public holiday, so friends and I bought our bus tickets, grabbed our sunscreen and hit the sand. It was great having time to relax and lay out at a pool. I went into the ocean a little bit but they were at the end of Jellyfish season and preferred not to get stung. There isn't much to tell as I laid next to a pool listening to a Harry Potter book :)But there are some points worth mentioning...

1. Mexican Food! Not quite like the good stuff in America but close enough!

2. Sushi...so yummy and the chef was so cute (not in, "oh he's my age and cute." more like...my favorite uncle is cooking kind of cute). He came out bowing and asking how our meal was. I wanted to take him home to always cook for me.


3. Listening to the waves!!!! I took a little video so when I am stressed I can play it ;)

4. Fun times with friends! Here are two of my friends: Heather, me, and Ines


5. Getting some color...not fan part was burning terribly. I had to say good bye to a layer of skin I was quite attached to.