Sometimes it is hard to know what to write here, on this single space which I can call mine. Because somethings in my life are hard to articulate in ways that make sense. How do you explain the joy of learning about someone you never knew. Yet I will never forget the borrowed memories I now have. I play my relatives words over and over in my mind willing myself to capture it forever in my brain...Longing for a connection to someone I should have known and loved.
How do you write about the heart ache of loving someone you never knew? How do you explain to people that you feel a hole in your life knowing that person was never a part of your world and yet everyone else you love had that privilege?
How do you write about carrying other's burdens? Watching tears of pain trickle down their face? Words come to my lips to reply only to look in their face and know my support should be through silence, allowing them to live in their pain.
All of these things I lay at God's feet. I wrestle with them for a bit, grow weary and tired and then surrender them. I willingly give them to God knowing only He can heal my heart of sorrow, only He can carry my loved one's pain.
I think of the song lyrics that say, " Laugh so you don't cry". Laugh...But what is wrong with crying? Maybe we need a time of grief...A time to accept the pain and not deny it.
Today one of my RA's asked me if I was living the crazy life. I laughed and said no but I was working on it. Maybe my answer should have been yes.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The open wound
We always strive to have control. And what a mess of our lives we have made. We have believed the lies of this world that we need to be strong, stand on our own, and guard our selves. Yet in doing this we isolate the very Love that can heal us. We guard our wounds so close turning away every hand that tries to help, missing the nail piercing.
Wrapped up in our selves we grieve our life, we live in fear of rejection and live in our pain and sorrows from the past. We are unwilling to allow people to forgive us or give people the chance to prove us wrong. We don't trust people with our deepest parts because we do not even trust ourselves. The worst part is in not being able to let go and actually forgive ourselves.
We cry out to God for healing or forgiveness but have missed His gift of Grace because we still listen to Satan's lies. We chase after God but do not hide his words of truth in our hearts. We prostitute ourselves out to the world wonder where God is.
Run to God. Believe God. Trust God. Live for God. Find his still small voice and never let go. There are always times of hardship and hurt, times of silence and doubt, but if God is your firm foundation then you will drink from the fountain of peace. You will open up your life and see that the wound you have been trying to fix can only be healed when it is revealed...When it is shared. When you can cry with someone who loves you and grieve the lost together, and allow God to use it for good in your life.
Wrapped up in our selves we grieve our life, we live in fear of rejection and live in our pain and sorrows from the past. We are unwilling to allow people to forgive us or give people the chance to prove us wrong. We don't trust people with our deepest parts because we do not even trust ourselves. The worst part is in not being able to let go and actually forgive ourselves.
We cry out to God for healing or forgiveness but have missed His gift of Grace because we still listen to Satan's lies. We chase after God but do not hide his words of truth in our hearts. We prostitute ourselves out to the world wonder where God is.
Run to God. Believe God. Trust God. Live for God. Find his still small voice and never let go. There are always times of hardship and hurt, times of silence and doubt, but if God is your firm foundation then you will drink from the fountain of peace. You will open up your life and see that the wound you have been trying to fix can only be healed when it is revealed...When it is shared. When you can cry with someone who loves you and grieve the lost together, and allow God to use it for good in your life.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Domestic Goddess
I think I have finally arrived. I use to loath kitchen duties, washing clothes? Yuck. Doing my hair or make-up...Now you are just asking too much! Wait...Who was that? She is now a simply memory of me, the girl who thought she couldn't express her feminine side. The side was always there...She simply despised it. She thought it hindered her from living, from competing, from winning. Funny how sometimes the things we run from end up being the key to what we need.
I look back on my life and am awed by the road that God has brought me down. The blessings He has given me, the relationships I am blessed to have, and the desires of my heart that God has granted me. People sometimes ask the question, "If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?" I answer... "Nothing" I can't live looking back with regret but simply see the ways God was forming my life. Now is the time that I am discovering the girl God wants me to be and I am embracing it.
So yes...I do enjoy cooking, cleaning, and dressing up. I do my make-up and hair. I also will be one of the strongest competitors you might play up against given the right sport and I might even leave dead animals on your car :)
I look back on my life and am awed by the road that God has brought me down. The blessings He has given me, the relationships I am blessed to have, and the desires of my heart that God has granted me. People sometimes ask the question, "If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?" I answer... "Nothing" I can't live looking back with regret but simply see the ways God was forming my life. Now is the time that I am discovering the girl God wants me to be and I am embracing it.
So yes...I do enjoy cooking, cleaning, and dressing up. I do my make-up and hair. I also will be one of the strongest competitors you might play up against given the right sport and I might even leave dead animals on your car :)
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