Peace

The hustle and bustle of the Holiday season sometimes can feel overwhelming. A rush of emotions at seeing loved ones, cherished friends, and constatntly be around people. Yet do we still take time to really rest in HIM during this season? Do we take a deep breath of air and allow God a moment?

Get away...take a walk...seek God and you will find Him. Take a nap, study a favorite scripture, play the guitar. Seek God in a way that allows you to connect with Him and discover the Peace that only He can fill you with.

Why

Questioning God always comes during life's tragedies. The church prays, someone dies anyway, and people are left with a choice. Lean on God or push Him away. People get upset and don't understand why God allows bad things to happen to Christians. We miss the point.

Becoming a Christian is not the golden ticket to a life of no problems. As my mentor told me, it is our opportunity to respond differently then people who do not have the hope of Christ. God tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us, we have poems written about God carrying us during the hard times in our life, and still people reject God.

If we can not model Christ even through our times of sorrow how then are we truly different then people with out Him? We live in a fallen world, life happens, God is big enough. God is capable to do exceedingly more then we could ever imagine. But sometimes life is like this third day song...

" I can't stop the rain from fallen down on you again, but I will hold you till it goes away."

God allows us to go through hard times, but He is always with us.

Elizabeth Elliot said it like this...
Â… Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. ... The love of God did not protect His own Son. ... He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.

Snowed in

Saturday morning I arose, took a shower, got ready, and was patting myself on my back for being ready early. I had just enough time to brush off and warm my car up, drop a book off at the office, and go pick up my sister by 9:30. I opened my door to find this....

I stood in shock for a second and then started laughing, went to my second door and found the same thing. I sheepishly called one of my fellow RD's asking if they had a shovel and if they could come get me out.

Yeah...not going to jump over this one :)

Jones house lives :)

Jones house...Where the men flock like the fish of Capastromie (sp?...dumb and dumber quote modified)



Well the Jones house girls got together this weekend. I know you are all jealous, because a fun time is ALWAYS had by all when we get together!

The Christmas Season

At the center of our home, this time of year, is our Christmas tree. Each ornament has a story and a Christmas when it became part of the family. I smiled as I unwrapped the newer ornaments, they are the easiest ones to forget about. I lovingly unwrap each box. I look at the tree and decide what branch will be the perfect spot for this year. I smile at the memory of each Christmas the ornaments remind me of. A warmth filled my heart as the Christmas music continually played from the dining room. I watched the lights dance on the ornaments making them sparkle and dazzle. The soft glow of the lights made me wish for a fire place with some warm tea, a blanket, and good book.

Home

Sometimes you just miss the ones you love, the ones you lost, and the ones still to come.

I sit in my apartment working on last minute projects. The washing machine humming, my itunes singing, and my heart aching for home. Four months, this is definatly the longest time away for me. I miss my family "in the state up North" as some Ohio State fans might refer to it.
I can't wait to drive back home tomorrow, inhale deeply of my house, and play with my pets. My parents and I will have game nights everynight,I will get to spend time with the fun Wallinga Clan on Turkey day, I will go shopping on Friday morning :), and on Sunday I will return South.
I am thankful for the opportunities God has blessed me with this year. I am thankful for my family here in Indiana helping me feel at home. I am thankful for the amazing women I meet with every Thursday. I am thankful God is patient and loving. I am thankful God loves me so much He won't let me stay where I am but continues to call me to a place of obediance and trust.

The societal question of why and the fragile heart

Why do good girls go after bad boys? This question has long been debated. After some very good discussions and allowing things to percolate (that's for you George!) in my brain for a while I have come to some conclusion. Disclaimer: I am not bitter, I just find this interesting...

Good girls like bad boys perhaps because of the thrill or because they do not see them selves as being worth much. It is easier to like someone who might like you and then leave you allowing yourself to continually feel like crap. If a girl does not like herself why would she pursue relationships with amazing guys...she does not feel as though she measures up. Then you have a girl who takes a risk only to be told "you are a beautiful person" (guys don't ever say that...in girl world it means, "your fat and or ugly")

On the same hand why do guys typically go after the girls who are size 3 or smaller, have blond hair, and seems sort of ditzy? (Yes I'm making a stereotype!) perhaps good girls also run to the bad boys because they might not care as much if she is not supper skinny and ditzy. I am not totally sure why guys generally go for the skinny girls other then the mass media messages.

Are we all just scared of taking risks? Of loving someone and then having them walk away from us? Why do guys not pursue with abandon and girls not allow themselves to be loved?

So where do you fall in this? Do you agree with me? If not I would love to hear what you think!

Chicago, Willow, and Me

Well...I use to think I would like to live in a city for a little while, and perhaps some day that might still happen. But I would like to emphasize that I said I USE to think about living in a city. I went on my staff retreat this weekend to Chicago. There I realized some things about myself.
1. I am a hick! I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but
it is true!
2. I love nature! Not sure I would enjoy running on the streets of
Chicago having grown up running in the country.
3. I am an introvert. This one might shock some of you as well, but I
was pretty overwhelmed the entire time and just wanted to go sit out by
the lake or meander through a museum.
4. I don't jump on banwagons. We went to Willow Creek for church (if
you want more details ask me) but I was not completely sold on becoming
a full time attender if I lived there.

So I guess some day you might find me still living in the country running on open roads, being able to go horse back riding, and growing a nice vegetable garden...but God willing you won't find me living in a big city!

p.s. Chicago is a very nice city, so it is nothing personal against Chicago...which I will be visiting again in a couple weeks :)

Got Levi?

Katie and I where going to dress up in our outfits from other countries, but that felt like too much work...so we dressed up like Levi instead :) Saddly he did not get to see up in person. But we did leave a nice little gift in the office for him :) And yes this is RDs with too much time on their hands and a friend who can take a joke.

When I say I am a Christian...

When I say "I am a Christian"
I am not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing I am weak
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are too visible
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek His name.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

(posted by the Shatford RA staff in: The RACE)

Guitar and Greek

God is pursuing me. But how does one pursue God? How do you show the Creator of the world that you are chasing after Him? How do you grasp the fact that He wants us to pursue Him? I did not know the answer to this, so I prayed. I prayed that God would show me how to pursue Him. He answered...

I had a guitar lesson on Tuesday....I starting translating Greek on Thursday. Each of these days I found myself transported to a place where only God and I exists together. A place of deep love and communion. The place where words are not really needed because someone is revealing something to the other that is too special to put into words.

I pursued God through these two things, and in these two things God met me. I had thought too big. I had imagined I would have to come up with a pursuit different then something I already love to do. Yet I was gently reminded that it was the intimacy with God I found in a taste of these avenues that drove me to go deeper.

When I strum the cords I feel Him, as I sing the songs I sense his pleasure, and as I abandon my heart to Him I find rest. I find peace. I find deep joy.

When I translate the Greek words and see the deeper meaning that English can not grasp, I see a deeper side of God. In the broken Greek I hear His whisper of love. I see the revelation and am touched by the desire it awakens in my heart.

Do you pursue God? Run after Him like a child running to someone you love. Stretch out your arms and be prepared to sink deep into His loving arms.

Fall

I miss Michigan in the fall. I love the multitude of brilliant colors that cascade off the trees. I miss the smell of our house as my mom makes and cans applesauce. I no longer savor the sweet taste of homemade apple crisp. I long to feel the cool breeze on my face at night. I look longingly at my soft fleeces and sweaters wanting so much to wear them. But Fall is not the same here in Indiana... "Sigh"

New Star

So I was surfing the web and came across this new up and coming actor who is going to be staring in a movie called "I was going to graduate but went surfing instead" I think he might have a very promising career. On his personal profile he said he likes cooking with flour and eggs, fishing with Stink bait, and trying to hook his roommate from college up with other people. Let me know what you think :)

The Secret Garden

Have you ever seen the movie "The Secret Garden"? The basic story is of a little girl who looses her parents and moves from India to England to live with her distant Uncle. She has nothing to do all day and ends up wandering around the gardens of the estate. One day she finds a locked garden, she has in the mean time found an old key, so putting two and two together she unlocks the garden. This is her secret place where she begins to find a purpose and is driven to fix up the garden. She is not sure what to do but with the help of one of her only friends they plant and weed the garden. Through hard labor, toil, and sweat she works diligently to see the garden fixed up for spring.

As the movie unfolds it is evident the little changes in the girl's life. She begins to smile and laugh more, she comes alive with her new found love of gardening. By spring the Garden is beautiful, but she is afraid her Uncle will lock it back up once he finds out. (there is more to the story but you will have to read the book or watch the movie)

I find that some days I am the garden, locked and waiting for God to come in and weed, plant new things, and help cultivate(I know you are smirking Matt, Tim, and Phil) what is already there. He takes time to clear away the leaves, to pick out the weeds no matter how stubborn they are, He plants new things and tenderly waters and protects them. God sees my hidden beauty and wants to make it the best that He can. He takes time and has patience. My beauty in due time is being revealed to not only others but also myself

Other times I feel like the little girl. I have been hurt and confused and have found a purpose and task that God has helped me discover. I see the hard work ahead and recognize the sacrifice of time. I see the effort I have to put forth to change. I know that it is only through the hard work and risk of loosing it all that makes this process worth while. I see myself changing in little ways and opening up to those around me more and more. I see that I am not the same girl at the beginning of the movie. In the course of life I have begun to live.

The road behind

In my life I have always been focused on the road ahead of me. I try to strain and see what might be lying ahead. I read verses such as "the Lord is a lamp unto my feet" and I thought, "hey God turn the brights on, the fog is think out here." I remember being excited about graduating from High School. I craved a new beginning and a new chance to start over. I viewed my transition to college as making a turn down a new road and planned on never looking back. I always though the past is behind me.

Yet something Pastor DeNeff said in Church a couple weeks ago stirred my heart. I thought back to my past and saw how it had followed me even when I was not looking. I realized I knew this from the moment I stepped on to campus. I had been fighting it every time I would sneaked a look behind me. It has always lurked there in the shadows that I cast upon it.

I felt some freedom from my past this previous January when I had the amazing privilege to speak in chapel. I opened my heart and allowed others to hear my pain and challenge them to think outside the box. I still have so much to learn. But on Sunday Pastor DeNeff said that by looking at our past we see evidence of God. With new eyes I turned my head and took a long look back at everything in my life. Guess what? God was everywhere.

Celebration

I celebrate you. I see your strengths and your color in life and I rejoice in being able to witness it and be allowed to be a part of that. I no longer desire the things I can not have in you. I celebrate you by smiling, cheering, laughing, and showing you in small ways that I appreciate you. You are no longer the menacing person who hinders me in what I can do. You are no longer the opponent I will never beat. You are no longer frustrating to me.

I accept that I am a girl and I have limitation. You are a guy. I celebrate you! I like watching you play and be aggressive. I enjoy the display of "guyness". Thank you for showing me the masculine side of God.

I don't know what to say

An infinite amount of words could not express what I am feeling today. I marvel at my surroundings. I am in a place that I never would have imagined a year ago. A year ago I was making plans to go to Africa, I was convinced that I would never getting married (and upset about this), and I lived in complete bondage to my mind.

Today I am an RD at an amazing school, I am happier single today then I have been in the last four years, and am making changes in my life and am becoming Free. I have found my place in God's plan and it is far different then what I planned. Yet being here knowing God placed me in this place for a reason gives me confidence I never knew I had. Not so my will and my agenda can be done but so that those I touch see something HE has chosen for them to see.

I feel so humbled by what I get to do and how I get to love on people. Sure I am still under attack by Satan, yet I know my GOD is big enough, strong enough. It was said in a book I just read that, "faith does not become your own till it is tested." I have awoken from a deep sleep of bondage to find myself in a lovely valley filled with hurt, pain, and people desperate to be loved. My heart breaks and I cry easier then before.

I am changed...I am happy...I am content...God is good.

Life

I think too often we try to drowned the smell of life. On Saturday my staff helped at a Community Youth Outreach Center. Inside the building I was caught off guard by the smell that assaulted my nostrils. With every breath I had a memory of a mission trip overseas. Smells in other countries are strong, but here I have never smelled anything. I found the same smell in that old building.

Life. It's odor was everywhere. Some people commented on needing some fresh air after being in the building too long, but for me I found myself drawn to it. True it did not smell nice. It smelled real. Time, dust, tears, and life filled every corner of the room. I did not want to escape, I run too often from the real stuff in life. I want to drowned out the world through watching movies or reading a book. If I don't see or smell it, it must not exist.

Life happens, things change. Do you smell it? Do you feel it's sweet nectar on your lips? Do you embrace it? Do you run away?

If I could choose

I was playing Ultimate Frisbee last night and saw a swallow flying around the field. After watching the bird swoop, fly straight up while doing a barrel role, and then zoom off I decided I would like to be a swallow. A bird's eye view of God's creation, soaring high and doing tricky flying moves. Count me in!

That's all I wanted to share :)

No more

This weekend I was confronted by a true friend. He called me out on what he saw going on in my life and I was glad. I realized I have let certain things in my life take root in my attitudes. On inquiring with God about this it became very clear that I need to give up TV, Movies, videos, Video games, etc.. For the next year I will not voluntarily watch them. A few exceptions will be made for a video shown in chapel or showing my mission trip video...but other then that nothing!

I am very excited about this opportunity to flush the worldly influence from my system and learn more about myself. I will also use this as a chance to be a better steward of my time. I will be able to have more meaningful interactions and more quality time spent with friends. Let the year long fast begin!!!

Moda

He sat playing his guitar like a drug. The rhythm of the music rocked him gently as he sat. One leg folded under his body the other hanging down. It suited him to be slightly sipping on a drink between songs. The words he sang soothed the folds of my heart. I enjoyed the conversations around me, participated, and then sat to listen as he opened his heart and let it all hang out. He was intense in pouring himself out with his music, he desired us all to catch his passion and love.

His t-shirt in jeans were the perfect contrast to the room cloaked in formal design. He seemed to have been plucked out of a coffee shop and set down in this room of dress shirts and skirts. This did not bother him, he had his music and he needed nothing else.

To rejoice or not to rejoice, that is the question

The verse in the bible that always concerned me was the one that talks about rejoicing in times of suffering. I remember thinking that Paul must really have misunderstood something or was really confused. Why in the world would anyone rejoice in times of suffering? Doesn't God see that I am down, hurt, and in need of Him?

But that is the beauty and simplicity of the message. It ties in with the idea that when we are weak God is strong. When we are tired, burdened, or suffering that is when we only need to cry out to God and He is right there holding us, helping us, and carrying us.

The joy is in the denial of ourselves and the acknowledgement that we must call on God to help us. We have to the joy of clinging to God, to draw that much closer to God, and to be held by Him longer. Today my heart rejoiced in being reminded of this. I could actually praise God for the hardships of transitions, I could sing praise to His name for the promise of blessings yet to come, and found gladness swelling in my heart in realizing that He is right here holding my hand and will never let go.

Wedding pictures

Just a quick picture of us girls before Pete and Nicki's wedding at Tina's house.

At the wedding it is Me and Jen with Pete and Nicki.

Alone

Fun how things happen. One day up the next day down.
I stand, I sit, and then sing out loud.
I watch the silence pass.
I listen for a noise.

I hear nothing coming and something going.
Silence sometimes seems like death.
I try to call but no one's home.
I cry.

God comes near and I feel so unworthy of Him.
I feel His gentle hands around me.
I block out the devils' lies.
I let truth seep inside.

This too shall pass.

The girl

She sat for a long time watching nothing. Her eyes carried a far away look of thinking, pondering, remembering. It is hard to tell what she might really be thinking. There was an elegance about the way she carried herself. A smile seemed to be hiding behind her brooding eyes; it leaped out and radiate her face as a familiar friend passed by.

What haunted her? What makes her cry? Why was she just sitting there, letting people loudly walk by? Did not the noise bother her? Or does she simply not see? She quietly stood and walked away leaving me with only her memory and a touch of mystery.

Embracing the Ambiance

His voice rose in haunting tones. The rise and fall as he sang pierced my heart. Now reflecting back, the words he sang almost swallowed in the noise of the park, I remember his stoop as he sang. I see the way he felt the words deep with in him. They seemed too painful to utter, yet with every breath he let them burst from his lips. This was his tribute, his sacrifice, and his life.

Where he comes from I do not know. I stared at his slightly homeless look. At first hearing his deep voice I did not think of him as a singer, more a man making noise. Yet the longer we stood looking at shirts, and listening to the people filing down to the dock, his voice had such a calm appeal. The way he sang and the rich tone that filled the air shattered my first impression.

Why was he standing there? Where did he come from? What journey brought him here in front of the statue of liberty? What did this sacrifice of service cost him? I wished not to leave his strange enchanting song, yet my feet carried me away.

Boys

Sometimes I think boys have all the luck. They get to use words such as dangerous and wild to describe themselves. These things are not perceived as bad but as a passage from boy to manhood. But as a girl I also crave adventure and feeling wild. But these words do me no good in being described as such. The negative connotations that follow women around break my heart. Girls have been oppressed by the fear of a scarlet letter. We are the ones to whom people look down if there is any signs of being pregnant outside of marriage.

But what about guys? They get off with no one ever really knowing. "Well, boys will be boys" might be said and others might have a few words. But women are in bondage at lest 9 months in silent whispers, disapproving looks, and the cold indifference of most people. (not excluding Christians sadly)

I am not bashing boys or saying that this is there fault, but they certainly don't run around trying to help wipe clear the smugged name of the girls in their life. I wish that I could be free of the bondages of this world enough to live wildly and be scandalous (in a good way).

Guys help your female friends and family members feel pride in being a woman. Uplift her and protect her. Help her realize everything she can be. Let not the oppress of this world turn her into a broken, defiled, and hurting person.

I'm stepping off my soap box now...

Expectations

I find myself in a state of expectancy. You see at my district camp I expect to find God. I expect to feel His presence. I expect to be changed.

I pondered this expectancy this past week at camp. I love Hastings camp and find it a resting place for my soul in so many ways. This year was the final transition from teen, adult who helps with teens, to reaching a place in the adult world. I struggled with this, finding a place amongst the older and wiser, the richer and poorer, and the married. Some of this might have been distracting but at camp nothing really matters. People are there because they loving being there and because we have all found and met with God there.

Shouldn't I also have that same expectancy anywhere I travel. Should I not look at every area of my life expecting God to talk to me there as well. Does God not reside in me, near me, and with me? Yet there are days when life feels so hard.

The lesson I learned this week is sometimes doing what is required is the hardest thing to do, but yields the greatest reward.

Live close to God this week and Expect great things!

The night out...

Night out with some friends....a very lively game of gestures followed ;)

Titus Andrew Mowat

My newist little nephew :) The good news is that he is out of the hospital breathing fine and no longer yellow.

The beach

I love Grand Haven, MI !!!!

The reason why

Why do we need Jesus? It appears to be a simple question, but it is not. I thought a lot about this question during the last week (10 hour one way trips will do that. I would look around me at rest stops and this question would enter my mind. How could I sum up why someone needs salvation? This perplexed me greatly. My entire life I have been told I need to evangalize and this has scared me to death. I care about people but I am much more one on one relational. You have to acquire the right to be in people's lives.

Yet for so long the message has been one of "Fire and Brimstone". Repent ye sinner or go to Hell. What are we trying to sell Fire insurance? That is not a good reason people need Jesus. If that is why they become a Christian what motivates them to stay committed? The personal NEED for Jesus has to come from God. There is nothing I can say or do to persuade a person that they need Jesus in their lives, that can only come from God. For someone like me is someone comes and tries to sell me the "fire insurance" version of Salvation I miss the loving God. I miss the Jealous God. I miss the God who loved me so much He sacrificed His own son for me!

I am humbled by this and feel so unworthy of God. Yet he chooses to love us even when we are unlovable. He comforts us when we are sad. He provides for us when we don't think it would be possible. And He lets us experience pain and hurt to help refine us to become more like Him. To His name is all the GLORY and HONOR!

This is the reason why people need God...because He so freely gives us the grace and love we don't deserve. He is the only one who understands us completely. He is the only one who raises the bar of expectations and then helps us make it no matter what it takes.

Fresh grown Strawberries

My dog was out helping me water our strawberries. How thoughtful for her to run around, squat, and then poop right in the middle of one of the berry plants. I laughed really hard.

That's it....my dog pooped in the strawberries. (This of course upset my dad and wanted to know why she did it. So I explained that it had to definitely be a pre-mediated act on her part. How dare she poop, what kind of dog does she think she is!)

p.s. Mike my dog says hi ;)

Personal Pampering

Yesterday I got a haircut. I hopefully will be able to post a picture soon. I have not gotten a professional haircut in probably over a year. I usually don't care that much who cuts my hair knowing it is hair. It's one job is to grow...so no matter what might happen it won't be forever.

I sat in the chair loving every minute of my hair wash, listening to the soft rock station in the background, and then watching my hair stylist clipping away my dark locks. Yes, my hair is short again. For those of you that I have told I want to grow my hair out for locks of love....yes the time is coming. I want to have healthy hair if I am going to donate it. So if you haven't gone to get your hair cut lately, I would suggest it.

Work'n the What?!?!

I had the joy of being in Newburg Oregon this past week. The time flew by with the very funny comedy due of Dr. Voss and Dr. Thompson, whitewater rafting, and watching Mt. Saint Helen's smoke. As we walked into the airport to leave I saw a kid of maybe 18 waddling due to his sagging shorts (he did have a belt in his hand...but I don't think they were really going to hold them up that much) he had gage earrings, tattoos, and his had on backwards and to the side. Yes you have guessed it, this kid was trying the "skater/punk" look. I couldn't help but wonder if he is what he wears or wears what he is.

Does he dress this way for acceptance or because it is really him? Do we do the same thing in our Christian walk...we know how to dress, act, and talk but the heart doesn't quite follow. Some people know how to dress to impress and what they are suppose to do and say.

God really challenged me in being consistent with who I am and how I act. Let my words be few and my actions be great. Let God be reflected in my lips and heart.

Camping with the family

This past weekend was the traditional camp out of the Wallinga Clan. This is the weekend we pack up our trailers and drive an hour and a half up north to the middle of no-where. We pull our campers into a clearing off a dirt road and set up for the weekend. My Grandpa brings a lawn mower and trims the grass, a fire is build, wood is found and dragged behind one of the 5-6 trucks sitting around, two tracking through sand and mudd occurs on Saturday, and sitting around the campfire is always a must.

Not to mention all the card games, washer game, walks through the woods and down the road to the bridge, plus giving everyone a hard time and reminiscing about past family gatherings. We always have a good time and we always enjoy bringing friends up to join in the festivities.

Oh and the best part is no showers :)

Hurting

Today is a "girly" day. It is slightly my fault, I started the day off with Robin Hood Prince of thieves. I caught myself thinking how nice it would be to be pursued by a guy. Someone who can't wait to hear what I have to say and me waiting with anticipation for him to speak as well. (tried to warn you..."girly" day.)Then my cousin e-mail saying we should get a group together and do something this weekend when I'm home...but I don't really have any friends back home. They are all married, and every time I call they always seem busy or their spouse doesn't want to do anything. The fact of the matter is I find myself missing people so much it hurts.

I have staff pictures for my screen saver. Every picture is tied to a memory, every memory usually involves laugher, love, and security. I don't know where I am right now. I don't know what tomorrow looks like and I want you all back here with me helping me know what to do.

But you can't be here. I am an adult now. I have to suck it up and begins to live on my own. My secret is that I came out of High School accustom to doing everything on my own because I didn't have a strong friend group. This past year God gave me you. I forget how lonely being a lone soldier is. I have been holding on to the last few friends here at school but in the next week I have to let go of them too.

I am praying that God would bring people into my life to fill your gap...but I know no matter who they are they won't be you. They won't make me laugh or smile the same way you did. So tonight I morn the loss of being a college student. I rejoice in having the priviledge of knowing you. And I look forward to God suprising me by having our paths cross again someday, even if I have to wait till we are in Heaven.

A shot in the dark

Doe life get you down? That's ok, according to Hollywood all one needs is a strong drink of liquor and the world quickly fades away. Pass out and leave your problems behind. What type of message is this?

Time and time again I see movies and TV shows that promote drink during times of hardship. What are they try to do? Turn the Western Culture into alcoholic's? There are better ways of dealing with problems but I guess the only ones that the media wish to promote are destructive and unhelpful. How does getting drunk or passing out solve anything?

Garbage in = garbage out

The breast night

Last night I accompanied my sister to a pregnancy class. I did not know before going what type of class this was.....it was a breast feeding class. I sat for two hours learning about the breast and it's milk producing capabilities. Now some of it was very interesting and the nurse giving the class is actually a lactation coach.

The highlights of the night included the touchy feely couple that couldn't keep their hands off each other for the entire class and the old school video that they showed. Yes I was the only non-pregnant girl in the room and I wanted to sit and giggle the entire time.

The beginning of the end

I went to a wedding this weekend back home. I knew everyone in the wedding party and a lot of the guests that came to show support. As I sat there a million memories flooded my mind involving those around me, some which I had not seen or talked to in over 4 years. As the wedding proceeded I felt myself almost leave my body(stick with me) almost as if I was removing myself to see this from a different view point. I looked and saw a happy bride and groom, supportive parents, and a church full of happy faces. Then I looked and saw a girl watching the people with joy and hurt. Old wounds, fears, and tears flooded her mind. The room began to suffocate her, she took deep breaths and tried to focus on the wedding.

She knew that no one in the room saw her as what she was but what she had been. The wounds of the past reared their heads fresh and painful. I looked down and saw her fight back tears and caught myself holding my breath. I knew that pain and understood the hurt because it was me. Who knew that one wedding could do all that to a girl. I am thankful that God has given me what he has and blessed me with amazing friends and people who love me for who I am and what I am working to become.

Blessings

I sometimes miss the blessings God gives me. I have a perception of lacking due to my culture and desire to acquire things. Yet when I take the time to look around me I see that God is taking care of me and is supplying all my needs.

It is the little things in life that God does that blows me away. I might see and desire a bigger need only to miss the little details He is taking care of for me. God provides and gives me such peace when I stop looking for ways to do things on my own and let Him take care of everything.

Trust God, and look for the blessings in your life!

Church

The church. Today it is looked at as the place of hypocrites and seekers, but where are the Christians? Do they not know how the world views them? I worked with a lady that jokingly said we all stood around swaying our hands in the air to music, something she had seen on television. Have we become another pop culture marketable item?

The church needs to come back to what it was designed for, the Christians. The church needs to be the place where Jesus is taught...not for the "lost" but for the tired and lonely Christian who needs to be encouraged and supported because of the tedious work of living contagiously. You see we are to become more like Christ...in doing this and living as Jesus did we will live with passion, love, and a desire to touch those who are hurting.

This does not include picketing outside of an abortion clinic nor shouting at the top of our lungs that being a homosexual is wrong and they will burn in hell. Where did Jesus act like this. Jesus loved people, he met there where they were at and touched them there. He knew the stories behind the hurt and gave everlasting water to those who asked.

The church needs to pick this torch up again, not staying in the rut of social conformity but churning out real and genuine men and women of faith. People who love, live, and walk as Jesus did. This type of love has power because it is not fake, self serving, or condemning. It is healing, perfect, and selfless. It works because this love does not come from us, but from God who chooses to allow us be the carriers and givers of His love to those who are in need.

"Come all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest." ~Jesus

Gone

Sunday May 1st....Wal-Mart looked like a nursing home. I did not realize that they all get their social security checks at the beginning of the month and go shopping as soon as they can. As I was walking to a check out, item's to purchase in my hands, I heard an old man call to his wife saying something to the effect of "Come this way mother." The sweet old lady in front of me started to walk in the direction of her husband, I smiled thinking how great it would be to be old someday...when I realized she was farting quiet loudly with every step she took. She did not even seem to notice of react...then again her hearing is probably gone :)

Cinco de Mio!!!

Camp fires

What about fire makes it mezmerising? Last night I sat and stared at the fire Matt and Phil built. I savored every moment watching the little flames lick the wood and devour it mercilessly. I felt it's warmth and listened to Matt playing the guitar as Phil would answer one of my questions. Matt's truck was pulled up so he could sit on the tailgate while Phil and I sat in chairs.

This is what being friends is all about. Sitting around letting silence endure, allowing deep conversation to flow, and not caring if tears flow freely. Songs about major life events should be played and appreciated by those who experienced the same things, but do not have the gift of putting the pounding of their hearts into song lyrics.

Today I cried. Today my heart hurt. Today I felt your absence, and it seems to big to endure. Today I remembered. Today I smiled. Today I thanked God for you and said a prayer.

To be or not to be?

This weekend I asked a random question.."If you had to be the opposite gender what would you look forward to the most?" ...I was thinking about how sometimes it would be nice to pee standing up. The guys proceeded to say they would never want to be a girl and even the other girls there where saying how there is nothing good to being female. WHAT!?!?

Have we all been so diluted by the media and our culture that we acutely think there is something bad about being a female? I sat and though about this...girls have more cutting names thrown at them then guys, women are seen as weak and inferior, and that we are one big emotionally charged, sobbing, out of control person.

Wow, don't you get it? Satan does. Women are so powerful yet we allow guys to call us things such as sluts, whores, and worse. Why do you think our culture is geared towards putting women down, abusing them, using them, and then walking away?

We have the privilege of protecting new life with in us (being pregnant), raising childen, and supporting our husbands and showing them love, which in turns perpetuates them to greater success. True we may be emotional sometimes...but so what? What is wrong with that? I like being able to cry and sound ridiculous sometimes. I sit with my friends upset and by the end we are crying from laughing. Too much of my life I bought the lie that it is better to be a guy then a girl, and I am sick of it!

Embrace being a girl, and if you are a guy affirm the girls in your life. When we put women down we are putting God down. He made us ALL (men AND women) in HIS IMAGE. We are all a piece of Him.

My Bridal Shower

I am getting my own apartment. But unlike half of my graduating class I will be buying most of my necessities. I am not getting married, meaning I will not have 5 bridal showers in order to acquire the things I need. I am not really bitter about this but see this as an unfair advantage to those girls.

Just because they have a shiny rock on their left ring finger, a date picked, and a guy they are going to get hitched to. What about me...I have student loans to repay, grad school to start, and a new job to start in August.

So in rebellion I have thought about going and registering for gifts...but what kind of party could I call that? And would people actually come just for me and not for me and some guy they might not even know? I think in the world of Christian culture single girls leaving college are expected to be able to provide for them selves and the girls who are getting married are seen as being in need.

Not really sure why...but I think that is a little bit backwards. I am proud to be graduating single and very excited about my job and apartment. I only wish I had a way of getting the things I need on the meager budget I have...though I do hear they have nice looking rings at Wal-Mart.

Antiqued

They came creeping up the stairs,
silent and unheard.
The roommates slept, undisturbed.
A flash of white,
A "What the heck?"
Flour covered our home.
Now we vacuum all night long,
wishing we had been prepared.

horrible Poem...I know. But this represents last night, or shall I say early this morning. Three cheers to the guys who pulled this off, my roommate and I did not see it coming, having believed they would not rise to the challenge of returning a prank, we were both passed out (I did not hear anything, but woke up because I felt something falling on me), and creativity...they did it to us before we got a chance to do it to them!

Lessons learned....Flour sticks around on everything!
Boys leave behind evidence(cough, Matt)
My Roommate is slightly allergic to flour
We now have the "white lung" (for any Zoolander fans)

Way to go guys...good prank.

Goodbye

I've been thinking about good-byes lately. (I wonder why (note sarcasms))

This past year of my life has been amazing! I want to say that I think of all the staff's on campus... we have the best! I love every moment of hanging out with everyone, it never felt like work or an obligation. (ok so sometimes rounds did) I hope my future holds more people like those I had the privilege of working with this year.

I know I am getting all mushy and girly, but this needs to be said! I guess I wanted a chance to put my emotions out there and let the people I work with know I care. I see sooo much potential in each and everyone one of you. I am excited for God's plan for your lives. People will be blessed, lives will be touched, and people will be changed. You might wonder how I can predict this...it is what you have done for me.

The interview

Job interviews...a reality of life. Some will be good, maybe some bad. But in order to get a shot at the job you want you have to go through them. I had such an interview on Thursday. After the day was over I was exhausted, puzzled by this I took a two hour nap and woke up realizing I had spend 5 hours of that day selling myself. I know I don't fully understand what I'm jumping into, but I have had doubts filling my mind. Was the interview bad you ask? No, it went really good. But I think I am getting scared of the real world. It doesn't always have Salomon colored buildings, meals obtained through swiping, and people putting speakers to their windows and sharing their tunes. I will miss that!

Life seems big and scary, but I don't have a choice. God will take care of me. I have been blessed with the prayers of a lot of people for this whole job process, yet all I can think about is every possible way I could mess it up if I do get it. But I have not been trying to think about it...it is in God's hands. Where ever He leads...I will follow.

God has been preparing me for something, and no matter what it is He will help me through it, He will give me strength to complete it, and He will not worry about me messing it up.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Kara,
I just wanted to drop you a letter and clear some things up. I know we have known each other for a long time, but I have not always been completely honest with you all the time. I just wanted to apologize for some of the things I have said and done to you in the past. Ok, here goes.
I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for all the time I have told you that you were not good enough. I'm sorry for making you judge people and not trust them. I'm sorry for keeping you from taking risks. I'm sorry for making you believe lies about yourself, how you look, and how others see you. I'm sorry for making you think that what others think of you is so important. I'm sorry for forcing you to say hurtful things. I'm sorry for putting you down and never encouraging you. I'm sorry that I bring up the past all the time. I'm sorry that I hold you back from loving people sometimes. I'm sorry that I cause you to be selfish sometimes. I'm sorry that I don't forgive you when you mess up.
I really hope I have covered everything. I guess I would like a second chance. I mean...I really can't live with out you. I will try really hard to fix everything I just apologized for. I can't make any promises but I can only offer the hope of God helping me. Think about it and let me know.

~sincerely,
Your "flesh"

The social agenda

Everyone has an agenda...no, there is no way out of this one. I saw a girl walking around today in a short skirt. Her agenda might be to look cute...but that doesn't mean everyone will look at it like that. Or take a vocal person who has to verbalize a strength in the face of someone's perceived weakness...what is there agenda, to make themselves look good and put the other person down?

Everyday a little piece of me wants to impress the world, look good for those who have to interact with me, and be socially acceptable in making people laugh and feel comfortable. What I do with these thoughts and possible actions is huge. If my agenda is to please myself and others I have missed the point of why I am a Christian. My agenda has to be God's agenda. I have to learn to look at people through God's eyes and live everyday seeking his truth for my life.

I want to love those around me. I want to help people understand God better. I want people to become Christians...but why? For me, for my world, for my culture, or for the Creator?

All things new

Spring, we have all been anticipating it for months now and yesterday re-awoke the desire for it. As I walked back to my house I heard a noise and realized it was the tree branches groaning and creaking in the wind. I looked at the tree and realized it was full of wine red buds. The potential of life waiting to burst worth. I became excited and thought about the seasons. Would we be thankful for spring if it was not the light at the end of a cold, white, tunnel of winter? Would summer seem as fun if it was not the climax of warmth and sunshine? Would fall's tapestry of color be less beautiful to us if we saw it every day?

I know I am asking rhetorical questions, but it is because we all know the answer. We would hate to admit it but winter gives us the joy for spring. Spring helps us love summer, and so on. Yet we easily become board with what we are given...always seeking change when the current surroundings no longer fits into our wants and desires.

I find I do this with God sometimes. I catch myself in a moment of joy and excitement but the novelty soon wears off. My culture thrives on instant gratification and so my ingrained desire is to run and find the next moment to fill me with joy. I grow tired of the valleys and become frustrated with God. Yet in all these things He is whispering "Patience". I have found that when I dwell in the moment and not wait with an anxious heart, that's when I find God, that's when I see a little more of the plan for my life, and that's when I feel loved. I take the time to allow God to show me.

So dwell in the last few cloudy days, the cold wind, and rain. Let Spring come in its own time...

The cripple

Well before Spring Break I sprained my ankle. Under normal cirucmstances this would not be so bad...but for Spring Break, no one wants to limp around. But to make matters more interesting I was going on a Mission Trip To Sri Lanka. There is nothing better then limping around when you are trying to make the impression that you are there to help.

The point to all this is that my ankle ended up not even being an issue in stopping me from having fun and being able to help. But before I went on the trip I caused a fellow student an interesting quandry one morning....

I went to breakfast that Wednesday morning as usual. A little tired from lack of sleep and limping because of my swollen ankle. My plan was simple, go in and get breakfast and then head to the nurse's to find out what they could do for me. I got my tray, filled my plate, and headed over to the drink line. I was half way there when I realized the guy in line behind me for food was also heading to the drink line. This normally would not be a problem but he was walking full speed and then noticed I was limping in the same direction that he was. He hesitated having the choice of either slowing down and letting me go first or staying commited to his brisk walk and clearly beat me to the line. I chuckled to myself knowing it didn't matter to me and slightly ammused at the quandry I was putting him in.

Tattoo's

So last spring break we took a day to go to Daytona. I was excited because I had never been to Daytona before. While driving we had found out one of our fellow road trip members had a tattoo. We talked and joked about stopping and getting tattoo's. Something in my mind got really excited about this and wondered what I would get. Something Christian of course, because if I am going to mark up my body it would still have to be glorifying to Christ. But time ran out and we never ended up going.

Now for me a tattoo is about the most impulsive and out of control thing I could do. My mom holds firm to them being Biblically wrong, my brother has a lot of them, and here at school a lot of people sport them as well.Though here people tend to either flaughnt them or hid them. Obviously there are different motives for both...all this to say. What is truely wrong with marking your body if it is going to be for Christ? Would people be able to be "Sunday Christians" if they had a cross on their body that everyone could see. Wouldn't it help serve as a reminder of what we are to live up to? (Now for my mom, don't freak out...I'm not going to get a tattoo.)

But just think about what this would do, a higher call to accountablility. People couldn't put on or take off their beliefs when they served their purpose. How much different would our world look? Our churches? Our campus?

life

Our school is such a bubble. Today it bust on me. I found out that a kid from my youth group was killed this morning. His car slid off the road, a guy stopped to help, and they were both hit by another car. He died and the other guy was injured. It seems so random, so unreal. I am having a hard time understanding that it really did happen. All day I kept having these random memories of him from HS. We weren't close, but he was always there at youth group, always at the events, and camp. He was the person you could always count on to be there. Funny how life is, so today as I walked around campus I realized that we are so removed from the world here and that made me sad.

God's love

Lesson learned about God today: His portion of love to me is so much greater then I know...check out the story of Hosea. (pg. 701...after Daniel)

I see in my own life how often I run from God or prostitute myself out to other things. Everytime I turn around God is right there to buy me back, take me home, clean me up, and love me even more. I break inside thinking about this. I have slapped God in the face and spit at Him so many times. I feel ashamed and so undeserving of Him. Yet He is sooo patient with me, He helps me learn and grow in Him. Do you know how much God loves you? Can you grasp the depth of His love?
I guess this is sort of a heavy blog for being only my second one...but Ali and I had a good talk at lunch today about this and wanted to share it.

Learning to fly

Life is so unpredicatable. I guess that is where I find myself right now. Talking with a friend I realize this is the season of risk. With risk you can't calculate it out and know the exact outcome. This drives me nuts. I always think big decisions through, but with risks it is blindly jumping. I am excited for the rush but I can't enjoy the moment of free falling because I am thinking too much about what is going to happen when the falling is over. I think things to death sometimes. And I guess this would be productive if it took me somewhere, yet I have to laugh everytime because I always end up right where I started, God still sitting there smiling asking me if I am ready to give it to Him. I always laugh and say yes God I don't want to think about it anymore, here ya go.
Why can't I do that right away...I think I would save a lot of brain energy. Which leads me to my poem...I just wrote it thinking about taking risks and having to leave what is familiar and trust God with the rest. Let me know what you think.

Learning to fly.
Spreading your wings
And daring to try.

Not looking back
or needing to know
what is behind.

Beating wings
Flapping strong.
Sometimes faltering
but never for long.

The wind is there
to lift the wings
high,

This is what happens
When you are
Learning to fly.