7 days

A week from today I will graduate. I am excited for this to come but am aware of everything I have to get through this week first. This week will be hard, saying good bye always is. I am ready for the slow pace and absence of homework and classes...but I will miss my staff. I am excited because some of them will be on my staff next year again.

Change can at times be very hard for me. Yet I can usually see God's grace in helping prepare me for it. This doesn't always mean it isn't hard just that I can see God working in it and know He is there with me.

The concert last night was AMAZING just so everyone who reads this knows :) A Friday night well spent :)

8 Days

Today I rejoice :) I feel as though God helped me release this friend situation in my life. I feel awakened and free from them. (which means it might not have been healthy to begin with). Regardless I will be speaking to this person about how they hurt me (I don't think they know).

I would say I woke up this morning happy...but I jumped out of bed at 5:45 because of an earthquake (yes I'm not making this up...it was on the news) thinking someone was on my roof. Then I feel back asleep and had a terrible dream of being held as a hostage with this couple who by all appearances was treating me very well, they just wouldn't let me leave. Not the best way to start the day :) Yet tonight I am going to a concert and spending time with friends I haven't seen for a while (I"m getting off campus!!!!! :) ) and I know this is what my weary soul needs.

Sometimes you need to remember who you are and what makes you feel alive. :) I am also now very very excited about graduating!!!!!

9 Days

The sun is shining, it is warm outside, and God is good. There is still hurt in my life, but I was reminded today the value of who I am, who God is creating me to be, and I believe it! This is exciting to me, even though the hurt in my life is big...God is bigger! I was also reminded that sometimes we have to be wounded to heal. God is so good, He is walking with me in this, and I find myself spending more and more time with HIM. I want to be in His presence.

I also like the Chris Rice song that has these lyrics:
Sometimes the way is lonely,
it's steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and in pours the rain
Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus and Live

Today has been hard and yet it is ok. It will be ok. There really is always Hope :)

10 Days

Today is my day off, which ended up being a good thing because today was not a good day. My heart hurts, not just in the emotional sense but physically last night and today my heart has felt squeezed in my chest. I had a good day yesterday followed by some disheartening news. I felt today spinning out of my control.

I have cried, been very angry, climbed back in bed after being up, going my church and praying, and then sitting with a friend who let me sit in my pain. I have been wounded by a friend. Someone I was told to trust and yet they have hurt me in a way I never thought they would. God has been reminding me of Grace and forgiveness. I am praying that God would save me from myself, I don't want to be angry and bitter. Those emotions simply cover the hurt...I need to sit in it. People make choices, sometimes not considering others. Granted I am not running out to spend time with this person...I need distance and time to sort through things.

The amazing part to all of this is God's perfect timing. He has been preparing me to hear this news for the last week and a half. He didn't let me find out on a day I couldn't handle it. And for the first time in my life I am ok with being sad...to sit in it and know that I will not be overwhelmed by it. To watch the body of Christ surround me and try to hold me in it.

God's truth is that there is always hope. It will hurt for a while but the sun always shines after the rain.

11 Days

Today I got excited about being done! And today was good, I had fun and even though I am feeling kind of wiped out right now I'm going to go home, rest, eat dinner, and get my final chapter read for my class.

God has been pouring out His blessings in my life and I feel so loved watching the body of Christ surround me and take care of me. Things I could never had seen if I had not been vulnerable with how I was feeling. The sun is shinning and even though my soul still feels weary, I have hope and know that I made it through today and I will make it through tomorrow as well.

12 Days

The finish line is in view. I can see it but can't quite look at it yet. Right now I am focusing on each day, what I need to do, who I need to meet with, and what can wait. I still feel really tired and am emotionally spent. God blessed me with sending some very intentional people for me to run into after lunch. They all listened and I know they love me and care about me a lot. I also got an amazing card from some of my friends that made me laugh.

On the front:

Women: Can give birth, Can organize kids' activities and transportation, Can effectively balance career and household, Can communicate, Can empathize with other, Can uplift, give support, comfort, advise, share, aid, cheer, connect, calm, care, nurture, and embrace.

Men: Can pee standing up

Inside of card: We Win!

No offence to the guys out there but I loved it...and the fact that my friends didn't write in the card or on the envelope...they used post it notes so I can re-use the card :) It makes me smile just thinking about it.

13 Days

My test is done, two more finals and all of my school stuff will be completed. I can't believe it is almost here. I remember having moments always wanting Graduation to come and would encourage myself with "one more year" "last internship" "one more semester" and now it is in a matter of days.

My test went fine, it took me a little over 2 hours to answer 200 questions. I hung out with friends last night to celebrate and by 9pm I was pretty spent. I know my body is still unwinding from Thursday and have been working to keep things very low stress the last couple of days. With today being the Sabbath it wouldn't be too hard, I never do homework on Sunday.

So as I sit in my kitchen this morning preparing to go to church I am glad my test is over and am trying to focus on each day as it is in front of me. I realize I feel weak in having to admit to people that I had such a bad day on Thursday but am reminded that being strong is not always the person who holds everything together.

15 Days

Well tomorrow is the big test day. My life is stressed out and I am completely calm about taking this test. I know I might have some test anxiety tomorrow but right now I am looking forward to crawling into my bed, possibly running in the morning, and then being done with it. I just want it to be over.

In my personal life...I tried to keep today stress free, which helps with keeping myself from feeling overwhelmed. I love watching God work in my life. Things are hard and pressure is high and then God steps in allows me to do what I feel I need to and then turns things around on me. I understand more of what happened and is happening in my life and it makes me smile. Oh, don't get me wrong it is going to be hard and I think that is what makes me sort of glad. So much freedom can come from working through struggles and knowing that it is through my weakness that God will be strong. To HIM be all the Glory and Honor and Praise.

Today I learned to not be ok and to allow others into my weakness...it was quite freeing. No pretence, no trying to stay strong. I am tired and that is ok. No one asked me to be strong I just have it in my head that is what I am suppose to be. Yet if we don't allow other's into our pain how do we make them feel safe to share their pain?

God is good and faithful to those who put their hope and trust in Him. As He reminded me today, there is always Hope.

16 Days

Stress...it is hitting me today. I flirt with the line of feeling burned out and feeling fine a lot. Today I am tipping the scale toward burn out. I hate feeling this way! This means I don't handle the stress well in my life, little things make me want to cry, and I feel very overwhelmed...not a fun way to spend your day. So today is a bad day in that area of my life.

I am working to review today and tomorrow for my exam, but I'm tired. I think I am reaching the point when I would go on autopilot...but I think I've been living on that for so long I have nothing left. I just want to be done and walk away. I have been looking forward to May term and today I can't even think about getting through that as well. I know that this will pass and feel free to pray for me. I don't usually share this with people...my bad days are typically between me and God.

I just make sure to spend time with God releasing everything in my life into His hands and resting in His arms. And then I remember that it is just today, I won't feel this way tomorrow and as I climb into bed tonight I will tell myself that I get to try again tomorrow, it will be ok.

17 Days

My brain is fried...officially :) I got up at 8 and studies till around 6 this evening. I did take breaks, but near the end I couldn't really concentrate that well. I think (in my estimation) I went through about 400 questions today. But I am done with all the questions and can spend the next two days just reviewing over things I need to cement into my brain.

It is amazing to me that there are things I learned at the beginning of my Graduate work that I still remember. Even though it has been a long day I did accomplish a lot...not just in studying. I picked up my apartment, did laundry, washed and put away my dishes, and even left my apartment for a whole 45 mins :) Those things of course were my study breaks.

I am excited about crawling into bed tonight, though tomorrow might be rough. I was playing intermural co-ed Volleyball on Tuesday night and not only took a ball to the face (direct hit) but also landed really hard on my right side and almost got the wind knocked out of me. My body had some aches today, but hopefully that is all the complaining it will do.

18 Days

Well it is crunch time...I have job stuff I have to do as well as trying to fit study time in any time I can. Then of course life happens and I have stuff going on in my personal life as well. God is teaching me a lot about different area's of my life and teaching me about truth and how to speak truth in love.

The past few days have been hard but so amazing! God is so faithful!

3 days till my exam!!!!

19 Days

I did not necessarily forget to blog yesterday I just had too much fun doing other things :) I sat outside for an hour and a half and then played Ultimate Frisbee for 2 hours, walked my friends dog with her for another hour and then had an RD meet and greet time (we are interviewing for positions on campus).

Today I am feeling the crunch time of trying to study every minute I can! But like anything stuff comes up that wants to take my time.

On top of studying God is giving me a lot to process and I have been blessed with friends who speak truth into my life and help me know what I should be doing in these area's of my life. I am excited because they are area's of my life I feel God wants to redeem in my life this year and I have been praying over these areas. So feel free to pray for me with my exam coming up and also courage in doing the things God is calling me to do.

21 Days

Today I decided I really really want a dog. Previous to this day I have kind of wanted a dog...but today tipped the scales. It was 57 degree's outside and I just wanted to take a walk. I use to walk my dog back home in Michigan and I miss walking and talking to my dog as well as praying as I walked. I just wanted to be outside today and I never have anyone to walk with.

My Junior year of college was great because one of the girls I lived with would go for walks with me all the time. It was a great time of exercising as well as fellowship. I miss that...and I really want a dog. So most of my day has been spend with friends, playing racquetball and talking. I have studies my book till the words and sentences no longer make any sense in my head. There is sooooo much information I just keep praying that God will help me remember what I need to remember.

Oh...and my friend I pranked called me a dirty pirate hooker (which made me laugh really hard) and tells me it is on and I am going to get it. I really enjoy causing mischief :) I hope what ever is coming my way is good...I have not had a good prank pulled on me in a while. Who said you have to become mature as an adult?

22 Days

Well I am planning on studying my little butt of this afternoon. For fun we are dressing up in prom dresses, bridesmaid dresses, and suits for our meeting this morning :) Which means study study study later. I hope to get pictures of this wonderful event and maybe post them tomorrow.

Let's be honest sometimes you need to act like you are younger then what you are to forget about the stress in your life. It also helps that I live and work with college students. I appreciate that nothing is really too extreme around here...though I have a hunch I will have a bit of a reality shock when I get out.

Only 7 days till my test!

23 days

To be completely honest I feel myself checking out on school. I have been pushing myself for so long and I know that I don't have to live this way much longer. I am focused on my NCE exam and nothing else seems important. Passing this exam is huge because if I do I will be a certified counselor (scary I know).

I am also just tired today. Last week, this week and next week are full long days. I just want to climb into bed right now and rest (even though it is 4:30 in the afternoon). I know that this will pass, I just am living under last minute, get it done now, type of stress. I'm excited for May!

25 days

Ok...so it has been suggested for me to have a post every day till graduation. I am not going to promise that I can do this; I can get busy and forget :) But for today...

I am done with projects and only have reading to do while I wait for my Study Guide. I take my NCE exam on the 12th...kind of scary to think about. That is the next hurtle I need to jump through before I can breath easy. After April 12th my life will be great or should be :) I had an interesting converstation with a college girl today. She if graduating also from the undergraduate program and wanted to hear about how the transition from college into life was for me. It was great getting to share my heart with her about the path God has brought me on in the last three years.

God has provided so much for me and I feel as though I finally have a glimps and know who I am in Him then I ever have before. I was able to be real with her about the highs and lows of graduating single and living alone right out of college. Through it all it just is always amazing to me to be able to share with people what God is doing in my life and how He will do the same things in their lives if they allow Him to.

26 days

I knew this day would come...when you begin something there is always a finish. Yet in the midst of my crazy job and school work sometimes I lost sight of it. And to be honest forgot about it. But now it is coming. In 26 days I will graduate. I am beyond excited. I am looking forward to coming home and not thinking about homework. I can hang out with friends not trying to plan it around when I can work on my homework.

No more class assignments, projects, tests, quizzes...simply Freedom! Granted there is a part of me that will miss this...I admit to being "one of those" people who like school. I enjoy learning...yet I think it is safe to say my time has come. My time to enjoy other things in my life, time to enjoy my job, and time to just be me :)

What's great

Let me tell you what is great...good friends :) I am reminded of this today because I am sitting in Georgia with good friends. Good friends are the people who know you well, common experiences and memories, and people who get you. They accept you for who you are and what you are becoming. They ask you crazy questions and no matter what your answer is there is no fear of them rejecting you or watching what you say.

I am so thankful for the friends God has blessed me with. I may not get to spend tons of time with all my friends but they each hold a special place in my heart from the time we did spend together and cherish the time we do get to spend together.

Transition

Well Christmas has come and gone. The students departed and I enjoyed the silence I only get in the summer time :) Don't get me wrong I love my job but there comes a time when you just need a break from people!

Now everyone is back and I just can't seem to get into the swing of things. I just want a couple more days off. Yet I know it will just take some time to get use to the new routine. I am about to begin my last two classes for my Master's program. I am beyond ready to be done with school! I had a dose of Senioritous the beginning of last semester and hopefully I will be motivated to work ahead instead of allowing things to fall behind this time.

I just keep telling myself 4 more months till graduation and 5 months till I'm in Europe!
(in case you didn't know I'm going to Europe this summer for 6 weeks and bought my ticket yesterday... it's a Happy Graduation gift to myself)

What I'm Thankful for

I think the picture speaks for it self...but Hawaii was amazing! I would recommend it to anyone. This was on the island Kauai where they filmed Jarassic Park and South Pacific (this is acctually the beach they filmed South Pacific on).

I had an amazing 10 days with two awsome friends. I finally got a vacation after 2.5 years of working. I enjoyed every minute of my time. I will say after 80+ degrees for a week I really didn't want to come home to rainy, wind, and coldness.

This picture is from the North Shore on Oahu.

Joy

I am amazed at the ways in the last few weeks I have felt such Joy in my life. Not, "oh I'm happy this moment" type of Joy but true feel it in every cell of my body joy. I am finding that in letting go of trying to control my life I gain the freedom to enjoy it. Who knew? :)

Somethings are worth waiting for, even if I forget at times. I'm learning to enjoy where I am right now. No looking ahead too far but being present with the people who are in my life right now. God will take care of the rest, He always has and always will.

The little things.

Sometimes I think we forget to ask. Sometimes we think it is too small, too large, or not important enough for God to care about. I stood in my kitchen last night with such a longing and desire to play the piano I didn't know what to do. My piano is at my parents house and I don't think it could make the journey to my apartment because of how heavy it is as well as it being my Grandmother's piano. Yet in the last 2.5 years I have lived in my apartment I have hated having to go to the practise rooms if I just want to play for a little while. I assessed my apartment yesterday to see if I have room for a piano and found a couple spots I could put it. I knew it would have to be a smaller piano and that I really couldn't pay much over a certain price. Then I laid it at God's feet believing and having faith that God will provide for this in my life.

This morning in my e-mail, my sister forwarded me someone wishing to sell a piano. I googled the kind of piano it was (price was exactly what I am willing to pay) and well it is the piano I had pictured in my head last night.

Even if I end up not getting this piano, it doesn't really matter. God provides and will take care of me, even if it is something as little as me wanting to play the piano because it helps me handle stress. I have to ask myself...Do I allow GOD to be big enough for these things?

Birthday suprise :)

Office picture (notice the nice flowers on my desk). My staff suprised me for my birthday by decorating my office.

Learning

I'm learning to live with frustration, discontentment, and unrest. I feel as though I have been struggling through these last few days. By any standard it looks as though I had a normal and fun weekend, I hung out with various friends and did fun things. But inside I wrestle with my emotions, my self, and what God is trying to teach me. In talking to a friend today she told me I need to learn to see my weakness as strengths (she is not the first to tell me this).

It can be difficult to learn to see something in our lives as we have always known it and turn it upside down. Thus I am working to change and see where this process is going to take me. I am praying that God would keep me focused on what is going on now so I don't get caught up on the end result. It doesn't matter what that will be, change happens in the process. Though I am annoyed by this I know that it is the continued process of being refined and made new.

My so called life

Looking back and trying to lean forward for a peek into tomorrow is always interesting, because it never works out :) Try as I might and no matter what I think I want or need, God always has a surprise for me. The end of this week means I will have a semi normal life...well ok not really normal, I live with college students. This just means I have office hours, classes, and meetings. I am looking forward to getting settled.

The last month of my life has flown by but has been good. My new staff is fun and get a long great. I feel sort of ready to start classes again but am counting down till I graduate this Spring. I have moved into my new office...my very own which makes me smile as I sit looking around knowing I picked the colors, curtains, and paintings. I enjoyed my first official day off yesterday and smiled as I put on jeans and a t-shirt as I prepared to get groceries. It is always amazing how much you learn to appreciate the small things in life when you don't always get to do them.

That is the highlights of my so called life.

Smell what?

It eludes me...there is a smell from somewhere in my kitchen. If there were hidden video's people might think I'm strange. I have sniffed my counter, in the cupboards, in the stove, under the stove, the fridge, under the fridge, behind my washer and dryer, under my sink, various things that sit on my counter, my microwave, the sink, my dish drying rack, my garbage disposal in the sink, inside my washing machine, and more. I have washed dishes, done laundry...I just don't know what else to do.

I stand in the middle of the kitchen, by my sink, by my washer and dryer....it seems everywhere. I had to question my sanity this weekend when some family came to visit. I of course am apologizing for this mysterious smell and they said they didn't smell anything. I had a dream I could smell it....I think people seek help for these kinds of things.

Today it dawned on me that maybe the smell is me. But I bath and have not changed those habits as of recent so I had to rule that out as well. I may be slightly paranoid because early this month I had another horrible oder which was discovered to be rotting potatoes in my cupboard...very gross.

Sigh....so the search will continue. I will not be eluded. My next task is clean and scrubbing my kitchen.

Solitude

Well church on Sunday was great! My job is to create community...it has to every where and to some degree I find myself feeling weird when I am alone. But the sermon stressed that we need solitude and community to help shape our ministry. Ministry is just trying to copy Christ if you don't take time to develop yourself alone and with others. Wow...so the challenge was to learn to be good at what you don't do well. So I spent time on Sunday alone with my thoughts...which was a good thing because there was a lot I needed to think about.

God and I spent most of the day chatting, he watched as I moved my furniture around and cleaned, and wrapped up the solitude with a walk to the prayer chapel. It was great! I don't know why we don't spend more time doing this. I realized through this day that I don't need to hear God's voice to know His will. I walked with him and talked with him in our time together. I listened to my heart and my gut to know.

Meeting with God was refreshing and gave me freedom from fears, worries, and other foolish things I put too much time and energy into thinking about. At the end of the day I realized, again, that it is not about me but about Him. It is about His plan for my life and what He wants me to do. No matter what happens He will be there and help me through it.

so cute

I just love being an Aunt :)

the slow way of summer

Summer is here...finally. Today I played catch up with my job. It feels good to throw my list away at the end of the day knowing I accomplished most everything on it. I find myself every year at this time reflecting on my life. I enjoy looking back and seeing how I am different now then last year at this time. A year is a long time but also short. Time is a funny thing in how it progresses forward, but in our moments of time it seems endless to look ahead. It will take forever for things to come...so it seems. Yet when we look back we wonder where all the time went.

Looking back this year is kind of hard. Last year at this time I was being "courted" shall I say by a guy. Not much has been said in regards to this for a couple reasons. One reason being there is not much to say is because it was going towards a relationship and then sort of died. Another reason being that for me resolution is huge and it was slow in coming due to a lack of communication. Needless to say looking back right now I see a time last year when I was being pursued and enjoying those first moments of a relationship when it is fun and exciting and you just want to spend time together...but then I have to reflect on how it seemed to slip through my fingers.

I don't want to end this being "Debbie Downer" because I have learned a lot this year through all of it. I can see how God was working and how sometimes we ask for things and in that moment God knows what we need and it doesn't involve what we want at that moment. I have peace about this and know that God works for the greater good.

Over

The semester is done, over, finished, and I am glad. Not glad to have to say good-bye to people but glad to change to a new schedule and routine. My sister had her baby, which is exciting, they named her Damaris (Duh-Maris) Rebekah. I get this week off from school and my internship before I start my final leg in getting my schooling done.

I will finish my last internship this summer, two classes this fall, and two classes next spring and then I will graduate. I am hoping to spend some time this summer with friends and hanging out. I am excited to think that this fall will be the beginning of my third year at my job and will officially be full time (I'm considered part-time right now). This means I officially have my first adult job. I will be receiving benefits and retirement :)

time moves on...

I think this is the longest time I have gone between posting :) Well in the last month I had an amazing Spring Break (and much needed). I went to South Carolina with three incredible girls. We went sea kayaking to an island on the coast and spent the week soaking up sun and doing nothing! I have been back for the last few weeks in reality which includes my job and my "other job" also called my internship. Things are going well but I am busy. I find myself still living day to day and seeking God in all things.

(I'm third from the left...we slept on the seashell ridge we are standing on because we got lost. If you want to know the whole story let me know :) )

I am amazed at the little ways He takes care of me as well as being able to see the ways He spared me by saying no to things in my life. Sometimes we have to move through life before we can look back and see what our wanting would have cost us. I'm still pulled between two worlds but the light is at the end of the tunnel! If you are reading this and I haven't talked to you in a while...you are not alone! Maybe I should start a group for all my family and friends that I haven't kept in contact with this semester :). Please don't take it personal and if you call me I do call back!

Let it rock the boat.

I was doing some reading and this really caught my attention...

This comes from the book "The story we find ourselves in" by: Brian McLaren. One of his characters is talking about the crucifixion...
"...I think it's all about God's agony being made visible- you know, the pain of forgiving, the pain of absorbing betrayal and forgoing any revenge, of risking that your heart will be hurt again, for the sake of love, at the very worst moment, when the beloved has been least worthy of forgiveness, but stands most in need of it. It's not just something legal or mental. It's not just words; it has to be embodied, and nails and thorns and sweat and tears and blood strike me as the only true language of betrayal and forgiveness."

This is a powerful statement. How often do we look at the cross as Jesus taking on our individual betrayal of God? Christ took all the times we have hurt God and all the times we will in the future. He was in agony, He endured the physical pain of betrayal. Being betrayed causes physical pain. Our response is revenge, God's response is forgiveness...to the point of allowing His son to bear the burden of not just the pain but the true agony of God turning His back on Him. That is a pain we will never have to endure because of Christ's love.

The wedding day

I thought I would put up a couple pictures from Justin's wedding for those of you who couldn't make it...


The girls looking all pretty


The guys acting the way they usually do.

The Family Has Spoken

Well tonight my suspicions were confirmed. I always thought that if I was to date someone my staff would have to approve. I am correct in saying this. Melody was talking to a mutual friend, who one of my friends was trying to set me up with last year, about her trying to set us up (I was unaware he knew about this). This spawned conversation among my staff about this person (who they all know) and asking me what I thought. So I guess if a guy is interested in me he won't have to meet my family but my staff for approval :)

Just today

My life is chaos. I run from one thing to the next with not much of a social life to speak of. I live on sleep, prayer, and supportive understanding from those I work with. Yet I have peace, a deep peace that has settled on me this new year. I am trying something new this year; I am focusing on every day as it comes. When thoughts of tomorrow, everything I have to do, or other intruding thoughts break in I push them away. I make a list as not to forgot the important things but other wise I tell myself what day of the week it is and remind myself of what I need to do TODAY.


I am trying to enjoy every day that I have. I only get this day once and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. True not all days are fun but that's when I remind myself it isn't forever. I am not stuck in some perpetually repeating movie like "Ground Hog's Day" good or bad tomorrow will come. Every night I sit on my bed and quiet my heart before God to reflect on the day as well as diving into His word and truth. I lean on Him. I have nothing else in my life that gives me strength than Him.

An old woman :)

Well I have been told by friends that I have grandma tendencies...here's the list we have come up with.

1. I like to crochet
2. I do puzzles for fun
3. I have a huge rearview mirror
4. I watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy while home
5. I enjoy making quilts

I don't remember if there are any more...feel free to let me know if you think of anything else :)

Feels like home...

Home, it is not a place that can be nailed down. Home is the feeling inside that we have to carry with us where ever our feet land. It is the warmth inside, happy memories, and that feeling of being known by those around you. It is knowing that laughter or tears are accepted and there is no need to try to impress those that you are with. It is a deep comfort and rest in your soul.

Nothing much to say

I am sitting in my office on a Saturday night listening to the hum of my printer as I await its finish. No cars are driving by with loud music, no students outside laughing, talking, or coming in. No TV is on is on or someone working the desk. Just me, my printer, and the silence. It does seem kind of creepy knowing that no one is here, campus will return to life tomorrow...but for tonight it sits awaiting the students return.

The silence reminds me of this summer and the simple way life seemed. The empty parking lots, the stillness that greats the ears, and the way life feels slower. No anxious people darting here or there. But I miss it. I miss the activity and the feel of life. I miss my staff. I have enjoyed the break and got some much needed rest, but I find that I have crossed over. I need people. I have been an introvert for most of my life and yet I dreaded saying good bye to people for Thanksgiving. I had a guy last year describe missing people and I had no idea what he was talking about then...now I do.

So I sit here in my office working on a project. Maybe I enjoy the silence because a part of me knows that it will not last because it never does.

The long road

It is that point in the semester, the time when it seems as though the light at the end of the tunnel is really there and we are getting closer. I look back on this semester and can't believe how fast it has gone. I am still not sure how I survived exactly other than the prayers of people and some late night talks with friends. I have had frantic conversations about my life or lack there of. I have been angry and hurt, I have cried many tears driving home from my internship, and I have spent time laughing with my staff.

Through it all I see God. I have felt in the last week a weight lifted from my shoulders. A weight that I did not know was heavy on me. It was during one of those night talks with a friend that she spoke truth into my life and I awoke the next day free. God was with me through out that time I just couldn't see Him working. I know He has carried me this semester through one of the craziest 3 months of my life.

I have learned that no matter what each day brings I must rest IN God. It is not always about a state of actually resting but resting in WHO God is and What He is able to do. I have a quote that I have been reading almost everyday this past week...

"Every day of our Christian experience should be a day of relating to God on the
basis of His grace alone, your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond
the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are
beyond the need of God's grace."
~Jerry Bridges

No matter my physical, emotional, or mental state...God is there with me.

ice cream conversation

I went up to get some ice cream to go with my slightly dry Baldwin Chocolate Cake, as I was handed an ice cream scoop me and this random guy were looking at the different kinds of ice cream... ( I have never seen this guy before in my life)


guy: what kind of ice cream are you going to get?
me: I don't know, (looking in the case) is that cookies and cream?
guy: yeah
me: That's what I'm getting
guy: what's this? PB cup?
me: (intently looking) I think it's cookie dough, yeah...it is
guy: thanks for helping me
me: Well, I'm here to serve
guy:I have been standing here for 20 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted.
me: choosing ice cream is a very important decision
guy: you should be a therapist, is that your major?
me: actually I'm getting my master in marriage and family therapy, so I am a therapist
guy: well I guess I'll have a good marriage and family now
me: ( chuckling under my breath) enjoy your ice cream

Fork in the road

There comes a time in life when there is a fork in the road. Lately I feel myself standing at this junction and wonder which way I should go. Both have the potential to be good, both could easily be argued to be part of God's will. Yet I know there reaches a point where sometimes God will lay before us these two roads and either one we pick is fine.

I sometimes get this thought in my head that I have to do it right the first time. Me picking a path is not going to disrupt God's plan, that is thinking too highly of myself. If God does not want me going down a path, He will stop me. His will is going to be accomplished no matter what. I realize that as long as I'm chasing after God with all my heart, it is foolish to think that I could run away from Him and run down the wrong path in life.

With this new choice in front of me I will pray, I will take time to consider all the side...but I have peace knowing I can rest in God no matter what happens.

The perfect night

The horses plodded along as we crossed the empty field of corn, they urged each other on. The evening sky was starting to peak from behind the parting clouds, the stillness that engulfed us silenced our lips. It seemed only enough to be. Being a part of this perfect fall evening seemed like such a gift. The golden fields of un-harvested corn and soybeans danced in the evening twilight. The only sound came from us, our conversation at times, and the rhythm of the hoofs beating the earth. Every step sure and firm on the uneven ground. The urging of my heals brought the horse to a canter and then to the fluid movement of a gallup.

We laughed as we worked to remind the horses who was boss. We marveled at their strength and how easily they could have control. But I reminded Jess, that was why we were riding them and they weren't riding us. We joked of pitching a tent on the edge of field and camping out for the night, we could have. It was the perfect fall night.

Facebook

I finally broke down and got on facebook. This was not really my choice having found out that they want me to have it for my job. So I plunged in last night. I find it very fun and interesting a mixture of getting to be creative, looking at people's pictures, and asking to be friends with people....

Ok, so it reminds me of elementary school. Passing notes with a circle yes or no to be my friend. I eagerly open my e-mail hoping someone will ask me to be there friends, opening my facebook to see who has agreed to be my friend. But my dilemma is...what if I don't want to be someone's friend? That seems a little awkward, turn them down on face book and then run into them. Is there such a thing as Facebook rage? People who can't handle not being excepted as a friend on Facebook?

I guess that is part of the risk for being involved in facebook...maybe I should start a "rejected friend request" group to help them find each other :)

Oh yeah....that

So you and God are having a conversation and you throw out a prayer in all sincerity asking that God do something. Then it happens...but you forgot you prayed your prayer (again sincerely)and God has to gently remind you of that prayer? I can't be the only one out there that has had this happen. I will give an example...

I liked this guy my sophomore year. We had hit it off and he seemed interested, but I was a unit Chaplin that year so one day looking out my Evans window watching him play basketball (no I was not stalking him, I happened to look out and noticed he was playing). I told God that I wanted a boyfriend, but that if dating this guy would hinder my ministry with the girls on my floor...well then I didn't want it. Let's just say less then a week later he was definitely no longer showing signs of being interested and today he is married. Yet in the middle of not understanding why he no longer was interested and trying to figure out what I had done wrong...well it finally occurred to me what I had prayed.

I obviously was not the girl for him...even though we had clicked and had some great conversations. I guess all to say that I'm finding myself in a similar situation. I am amazed at how even in the middle of sincere prayer I still seem to have this idea in the back of my head of how I want it to go. I don't pray and let it go. I pray and then walk away still holding it. This does not hinder God in answering my prayer but simply makes it harder on me in the end. I'm just thankful God is patient and helps me slowly pry my fingers off to let go. Right now it just seems like a slow and painful process...maybe someday I can fully lay something down and walk away, remembering what I prayed and why.

How they make me smile...

They are trying to fish, Kat I think almost caught one with her bare hands.



They like Ice cream as much as I do :)

Just a quick post to show you what I have been up to.

late night thoughts

I have been feeling a shifting in my soul. I think it started in the last couple weeks. I have been learning more about myself lately and I wish for a little time to sort it all out. So I sit here late tonight telling myself I should get into bed because I have to get up and run by 6:30 tomorrow morning, yet here I sit. I talk to God and ask Him what some of this is suppose to mean, I don't really expect an answer. The following is some of my contemplation...

My media fast has been over for a week now. I have lost it from my life. This might seem funny but it is true. A year is a long time to have a discipline in your life. I am enjoying the time with people through movie watching, but I am not moving a TV back into my apartment. The haunting feeling of emptiness that follows after turning it off keeps me from moving it back in.

Relationships in my life are very important to me. I have been feeling blessed by the amazing women in my life and the joy I feel through them. I think of my guy friends and how some of them are such unexpected friends and how I see God in them amazes me.

Being in the college setting feels much harder right now then ever before. Everyone else in my life has moved on to a different surrounding and yet here I still am being a 20 something and getting paid to chill with amazing people. Yet I feel the difference this year. The balance of being a friend, boss, mentor, and still trying to maintain me. Sometimes I think people think I took the easy job in staying at school, it is nights like this that I realize that is not true and wonder if I would have stayed had I known the road. That answer is yes.

Guys...I am at an interesting place with this subject. I guess if only girls were reading this I might elaborate a little more, but in not knowing who will read this I just can't be that open on this subject. Not to mention that the meaning of my words seem lost at times through this venue. I guess if you really want to know, call me.

The schedule

This is the beginning of the end of my blog for a while. I have training with my staff this week and then the students arrive for RA training. Everything from here on out in my life is planned for me. This is nice...but my entire summer has been like this. I am feeling burnt out and tired, not to mention that I have gotten sick this past weekend. I am not trying to complain but simply ask that you would pray for me. I hopefully will find time to blog a little, because I'm sure I'll have some great stories once my staff gets back. They are a fun time waiting to happen in my life. The little taste I have had of them makes me smile and reminds me why I love my job so much. So please don't get offended if you don't hear from me for a while...it's not that I don't care, you're just not on the schedule :)

The eyes that see

I had to go to the eye doctor this week. I thought I had a scratch on my eye and wanted to get it taken care of before the craziness of training starts in August. Upon leaving my visit I have been restricted to my glasses for two weeks. My contacts apparently are not fitting my eyes correctly causing them to suffocate my cornia's and not allow them to breath. My cornia's were so inflamed the doctor had to put dye into my eye to see them. So I get to go back to the eye doctor in two weeks to get re-fitted for new contacts. I know some of you will understand more then others about these "joys" of having eye problems. I know things could be a lot worse....but if you have 20/20 vision you should thank God tonight before you go to sleep. Needless to say I am not overjoyed about wearing my glasses but am thankful I went in and it can be corrected with out me hurting my eyes any longer.

The image

I was checking my e-mail the other day and say an advertisement of Victoria's Secret. This is not something new for me but I did have a thought pop into my head. I could never be that model. She was selling their product but also the image of being perfect and seductive. Is that all women are suppose to be? Isn't that what our culture tries to tell us? Show a little more leg or cleavage....then you'll get the attention you want. Then you will go places. Then you will catch the guy of your dreams.

How long will we believe this, how long have we believed this? I have a brain and like using it, thank you very much. I would hope that men see me for more then my body. Yet in a image driven world I am made to feel that me being me is not enough. I know guys might not fully understand this but there is a lot of pressure on girls in this area of their life.

Sometimes I wonder if we have become too image focused and loose the perspective on what God wants us to look like. I would not allow myself to work out for a while in college because I knew that my motives were to improve my body in hopes of catching a guy. God had to strip me of this thinking before I ever started to work out consistently. Not all girls allow God into this area of their life and end up trapped in the cultural mind set of becoming this perfect "image".

May I never care so much about my outward appearance that my inner appearance is lacking.

God supplies

I have had an interesting week. I have felt overwhelmed at times followed by a deep joy and peace. I have had great conversations with people and good times, followed by mini break downs from stress. I am continually amazed at how well God takes care of us. He knows my needs and supplies for me in ways I could never have imagined. I feel blessed and loved so deeply by my God and Father.

That's all I wanted to share. Look into your own life and see the ways that God daily loves you and provides for you.

Songs

This is dedicated to CJ and Dan who were astounded that I did not have a list of top 5 songs....well brace yourself.

I was listening to the radio and thought of a couple... these are in no particular order because I have not gotten that far in my song selection of my "top 5"

1. Redeemer- Nicole C. Mullins

2. I can only imagine- Mercy Me

3. God bless the Broken road- ?

The price of perfection

Sometimes it is very hard to let things go. I work, I struggle, and I toil and some how I still mess up. I set the bar high and watch myself fall, reaching out trying to at lest touch the bar. I need to allow myself the freedom to mess up. I always think of the DC Talk song "What if I stumble".

"What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I loose my step and make fools of us all? Will the walk continue, will the walk become a crawl? What if I stumble and what if I fall?

In my media fast, of this past 11 months, I have found some grey area's that I did not anticipate. I am not talking about the movie I had to watch in class or the movie I had to write a paper on for my midterm. One of the grey area's was Internet movie clips. I have watched some of them. In those moments I look back and don't remember how I justified watching them. I think sometimes I felt caught if someone was trying to show one and felt stuck, not even really thinking about leaving the room.

So I apologize for that. I tripped up in this area of my media fast. Through it God has been teaching me about myself and helping me explore why I justified seeing them at that moment. I feel as though I have let people down because I was suppose to be fasting from these things. I wanted to be able to say that I did my fast perfectly. But perhaps that is pridefull and not the real meaning of a fast. I am human and will and do make mistakes, sometimes I have a hard time accepting that.

Return of the Nerd

Sandra and I have officially joined the Community Band here in town. It was funny to me how nothing in a band room changes no matter where you are. They all smell the same and look the same. I had a great time and look forward to continuing at lest the rest of the summer. I don't know yet if my fall classes will conflict with rehearsal times :) We have concerts various times through out the rest of the summer and I will soon be acquiring the polo shirt that will proudly proclaim that I am in fact a member of the community band :) (I know you are all jealous)

Boxes...

I discovered today that cat's are not the only creatures that like to play in boxes...





And it is obviously very tiring to play in boxes as well. (I love being an Aunt!!)

Media Fast Journal entry number two

This is a little bit from my media fast journal. A reminder God gave me today when life just seems to happen...

I have found that in all of this I have seen God break down my expectations and generalities. Things I believe or thought I hold strong to, I see God challenging and nudging me to look deeper, search longer, and to look at things from a different perspective. I have felt God close and I have felt God near. I sit during my times of frustration and battle things out with God instead of calling someone and find peace in this. I watch my life moving around me and notice the differences in how I handle things now then what I have in the past. I see growth and that encourages me.
I still see myself laying things down at God’s feet, walking away a bit and then look down to see I am still caring it. I wrestle with it a little more and then put it back at God’s feet only to walk away and see I am still carrying part of it. I struggle with wanting control but realizing that in turning control over to God I allow myself to be a part of His bigger plan. I have to accept that life will not turn out exactly how I want it and I have to be ok with that. God has to be my constant source of power and of strength. He has to be my everything or I am nothing. The little adage I have been saying to myself a lot lately is “Lord I am willing, and You are able.” I cling to my faith and allow God to direct my path. I admit to Him when I am scared and terrified. I talk myself to death and then wait for Him to whispers in my ear. It is always just the right words at just the right time. They are never the words I was expecting but the words I needed to hear.

Life

Life is good. I find that even in a non-scheduled time like right now I have found a rhythm to life and find myself keeping up quite fine. It has been hard seeing my staff leave. I enjoy being in the middle, knowing people and having built the relationships.

May term around here is different but has been very good. I have been busy with Ultimate Frisbee, Volleyball, Running, Biking, hanging out, reading, sun bathing :), and seeing clients. I even have picked up a new sport...Tennis. Melody was nice enough to take me out and teach me a little bit. Let's just say my reflexes are much more geared for Raquetball or volleyball :). In a sport where you don't snap your wrist or try to pelt the ball as hard as you can I was finding it hard to restrain myself.



I also have a officially crossed over in the game Axis and Allies...I woke up this morning, after playing 6-7 hours last night, thinking about what I was going to do tonight when we get together to play! I laughed with the guys about this because when I first learned how to play I didn't even think I was going to like the game.

This summer I will be staying busy with Clients, classes, a summer staff, and some time with friends. This is my life right now...And I love it! I plan on trying to suck the marrow out of life right were I am. I want to drink deep during this season of my life as God is preparing me for the next one :)

Cleaning

It is funny to me to be sitting here blogging and feeling content because I have spent the earlier part of this afternoon cleaning and washing and sorting. A feeling I have been waiting for all week. I have been eyeing my spare bedroom and spying the piles I want to divide and conquer. I love being organized! :) But in typing an e-mail to a friend I said something that I thought I would share.

Cleaning and laundry are not the typical things that most 20 somethings see as fun or worth taking time for. I know some of this falls under my personality but I look forward to time to keep my apartment clean. But maybe part of the reason this appeals to me is because it is normal. It is something I have done for almost as long as I can remember.

Is that why cleaning has such an appeal to me? It reminds me that life happens. I see cleaning as something to check off my list but it is also a task I don't need to think about. It requires nothing of me. I tackle it, I conquer it, and next week I will do it again.

Maybe I am just thinking too much....

The little details

I know that I just put a new blog up two days ago...but when things come to me I just need to write.

I sat today during the college's Baccalaureate service and started to think about the Bible, the old testament to be exact. I am reading through the Bible in a year and my year long Bible has just finished the story of Gideon. Something in my head asked me what it is really about. What does it mean to me? I sat thinking about this pondering all that I have learned and all that I know. But to me the answer was simple. The Bible is what God does in imperfect people.

We always wonder and speculate about the little details of a person's life. We get a glimpse, one or two snap shots of this person or people. We see their lack of faith, their willingness or lack of willingness to follow God, and how God uses them were they are. I started thinking about how my life would be described by the Bible.

The little details of my life would be omitted. No one would know that I fell down the stairs at a young age and chipped my front two baby teeth. No one would know that I use to make up stories and songs to my little hearts content as a little girl. No one would know about the pets I loved, the books I read, or the music I have played.

This communicates what God has been whispering in my soul this year. It is not about me, but about HIM. It is HIS plan for my life. It is all for HIS glory, not mine. I am the imperfect vessel of which HIS hand has made. HIS breath has made living, and HIS son has redeemed. I am part of HIS bigger plan. God cares about the details of my life but is not consumed with them.

My story in Biblical form would be about a girl who didn't trust God. A girl who doubted God. A girl who was scared of God. A girl who was redeemed and restored. A girl who loves God.

That time

Summer is such a magical time of year. Something takes over for those precious three to four months of the year. Freedom seems to be whispered in the trees. Life seems right for no reason at all. We laugh and play as children running barefoot through the cool grass. The trees beckon us with their branches longing for us to climb. The summer sun invites a day at the beach building sand castles and acquiring sand in interesting places.

When I think of summer I think about the movie "The Sandlot" and the freedom of being a child and living free caring only about getting a baseball back and trying to beat the rival team. I think of camping with my family, time at the beach, running barefoot and playing volleyball in our yard till my arms hurt. I think of the fireflies that dance through the trees. I think of a breath of fresh air from the cold hand of winter. That's summer to me.

unwelcomed friend

When one goes into the bathroom, one does not anticipate finding little visitors. This little guy is called a Silver Fish, though he is neither silver or a fish. Apparently he came out of my pipes...

Crash

With my media fast the only movies I watch have to be for class and serve a function in that way. On Tuesday when I walked into my Multicultural Counseling class our professor informed us we were going to watch "Crash". If you have not seen this movie...Watch it. But don't watch it just to have an entertaining evening. This movie will blow you away.

It deals with racism, prejudice, and the ignorance of our society; and with in us. The movie was well crafted, brilliant, and full of irony. I laughed, I almost cried, I was touched, I was angry, and I could understand.

For all the College students with whom I work...Don't break the movie policy. But when you can, watch this movie.

Movies like this have the power to change us, challenge us, and help us see ourselves differently. Watch this movie with open eyes and an open heart. If you have seen this movie I would love to hear how you felt about it.

Spring Break

Ok...here are some highlights from Spring Break. Order is based on nothing

1. One of my contacts got washed down the drain by an unnamed individual we stayed with. So I had to have a new one made and over nighted down to me.

2. Fifa wake up call

3. Jazzy...you would have to see her understand

4. Eucher with the girls...anything is allowed after 11:30 ;)

5. Andrew and firecrackers

6. An afternoon of crochet

7. Matt sneaking out of the house...because he could.

8. Justin's sweet tea.

9. Outback...Katie finally got to go!

10. The day we hiked.

On top of a rock

I find myself speechless at key moments in my life. Times when I want to say something perfect. I want words that describe my inner thoughts and feelings and be able to beautifully articulate them to the world around me. I sometimes focus too much on this and miss the beauty of silence.

I sat in North Carolina on top of a rock and found myself speechless. Words would have seemed empty to describe the peace and joy my soul felt surveying God's beauty. The grace of the eagles flight, the ripples of the earth perfectly formed to peak and ebb away. My companions also felt the spell of beauty and we found contentment in sitting on top of the rock in the afternoon sun soaking in the view with out talking. I found my soul sang a song I did not know it knew.

The Crazy life

Sometimes it is hard to know what to write here, on this single space which I can call mine. Because somethings in my life are hard to articulate in ways that make sense. How do you explain the joy of learning about someone you never knew. Yet I will never forget the borrowed memories I now have. I play my relatives words over and over in my mind willing myself to capture it forever in my brain...Longing for a connection to someone I should have known and loved.

How do you write about the heart ache of loving someone you never knew? How do you explain to people that you feel a hole in your life knowing that person was never a part of your world and yet everyone else you love had that privilege?

How do you write about carrying other's burdens? Watching tears of pain trickle down their face? Words come to my lips to reply only to look in their face and know my support should be through silence, allowing them to live in their pain.

All of these things I lay at God's feet. I wrestle with them for a bit, grow weary and tired and then surrender them. I willingly give them to God knowing only He can heal my heart of sorrow, only He can carry my loved one's pain.

I think of the song lyrics that say, " Laugh so you don't cry". Laugh...But what is wrong with crying? Maybe we need a time of grief...A time to accept the pain and not deny it.

Today one of my RA's asked me if I was living the crazy life. I laughed and said no but I was working on it. Maybe my answer should have been yes.

The open wound

We always strive to have control. And what a mess of our lives we have made. We have believed the lies of this world that we need to be strong, stand on our own, and guard our selves. Yet in doing this we isolate the very Love that can heal us. We guard our wounds so close turning away every hand that tries to help, missing the nail piercing.

Wrapped up in our selves we grieve our life, we live in fear of rejection and live in our pain and sorrows from the past. We are unwilling to allow people to forgive us or give people the chance to prove us wrong. We don't trust people with our deepest parts because we do not even trust ourselves. The worst part is in not being able to let go and actually forgive ourselves.

We cry out to God for healing or forgiveness but have missed His gift of Grace because we still listen to Satan's lies. We chase after God but do not hide his words of truth in our hearts. We prostitute ourselves out to the world wonder where God is.

Run to God. Believe God. Trust God. Live for God. Find his still small voice and never let go. There are always times of hardship and hurt, times of silence and doubt, but if God is your firm foundation then you will drink from the fountain of peace. You will open up your life and see that the wound you have been trying to fix can only be healed when it is revealed...When it is shared. When you can cry with someone who loves you and grieve the lost together, and allow God to use it for good in your life.

Domestic Goddess

I think I have finally arrived. I use to loath kitchen duties, washing clothes? Yuck. Doing my hair or make-up...Now you are just asking too much! Wait...Who was that? She is now a simply memory of me, the girl who thought she couldn't express her feminine side. The side was always there...She simply despised it. She thought it hindered her from living, from competing, from winning. Funny how sometimes the things we run from end up being the key to what we need.

I look back on my life and am awed by the road that God has brought me down. The blessings He has given me, the relationships I am blessed to have, and the desires of my heart that God has granted me. People sometimes ask the question, "If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?" I answer... "Nothing" I can't live looking back with regret but simply see the ways God was forming my life. Now is the time that I am discovering the girl God wants me to be and I am embracing it.

So yes...I do enjoy cooking, cleaning, and dressing up. I do my make-up and hair. I also will be one of the strongest competitors you might play up against given the right sport and I might even leave dead animals on your car :)

Wrestling with God

...MediaFast Journal excerpt...

Friday January 20, 2006:
...I sit on a Friday night in my apartment…alone, studying, and enjoying silence. Part of me longs to pop in a good movie, pop some popcorn and relax with something distracting… yet what does this achieve? It is still a Friday night alone but instead of doing something constructive I am only distracting myself. ...

It would be nice to have a movie “reward” after studying some nights. It would be nice to turn my mind off and allow the media to dictate what I will hope for and believe. That’s an easy choice. But I look back at the last 5 months of my life and see the way that God has shown up in my life in a real way. I talk to Him all the time. I run to Him first instead of picking up the phone to call and friend and then spend time lamenting that they are not answering. I have learned that to seek to live a certain way is fine but there comes the day when you choose to live like that instead of hoping it will happen. ...

Do I worship what I watch? Have I let in an unseen enemy in my back door, while waiting for someone to break down the front door? I have successfully given up something I thought I could not live with out. ... The things we cling to and see as important are the things God has to wrestle from us for us to see that they mean nothing. Only being broken, living in freedom, and chasing after God is what matters in life.

Being an RD

Life can be rough as an RD...
1. Part of your job includes going out to dinner with people
2. Hanging out with College students who make you laugh
3. Free housing
4. Meeting with people to talk about life in meaningful ways
The list could go on....but you all know I LOVE my job!! :)

Here are some pictures....

My ARD and I...That's her, "we spent too much money at Bravo's" look


Me and Shawna :)

Indulge yourself

One fact about the American Culture has become very clear, we like to indulge ourselves. Taking only what we need it not good enough, we always need more. This is true of the food we eat, the clothes we buy, and the movies we watch. The thirst for adorning ourselves with our hearts desires fills and consumes our lives. If something tastes good but we aren't really hungry for anymore why not enjoy a second helping even if we will feel sick afterwards? If we are shopping and see a cute pair of jeans we buy them even though we have 5 more at home. Movies need to show more nakedness, more violence, and have sly plots with twists and turns because the movie has to be better then the last one we watched.

Our thirst for more will never be quenched. Partly because we are serving ourselves and because we have allowed our culture to blindly feed us this poison with open mouths and eager lips. We are like Edmund from the Lion and The Witch and the Wardrobe. Oh how the Turkish delights fill us with joy and like dogs keeps us wanted more even if that means returning to our own vomit. Let not Satan keep us bound and tied, do not allow him to pacify the Lord's will for our lives. Live with less and discover how that is more.

Peace

The hustle and bustle of the Holiday season sometimes can feel overwhelming. A rush of emotions at seeing loved ones, cherished friends, and constatntly be around people. Yet do we still take time to really rest in HIM during this season? Do we take a deep breath of air and allow God a moment?

Get away...take a walk...seek God and you will find Him. Take a nap, study a favorite scripture, play the guitar. Seek God in a way that allows you to connect with Him and discover the Peace that only He can fill you with.

Why

Questioning God always comes during life's tragedies. The church prays, someone dies anyway, and people are left with a choice. Lean on God or push Him away. People get upset and don't understand why God allows bad things to happen to Christians. We miss the point.

Becoming a Christian is not the golden ticket to a life of no problems. As my mentor told me, it is our opportunity to respond differently then people who do not have the hope of Christ. God tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us, we have poems written about God carrying us during the hard times in our life, and still people reject God.

If we can not model Christ even through our times of sorrow how then are we truly different then people with out Him? We live in a fallen world, life happens, God is big enough. God is capable to do exceedingly more then we could ever imagine. But sometimes life is like this third day song...

" I can't stop the rain from fallen down on you again, but I will hold you till it goes away."

God allows us to go through hard times, but He is always with us.

Elizabeth Elliot said it like this...
Â… Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. ... The love of God did not protect His own Son. ... He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.

Snowed in

Saturday morning I arose, took a shower, got ready, and was patting myself on my back for being ready early. I had just enough time to brush off and warm my car up, drop a book off at the office, and go pick up my sister by 9:30. I opened my door to find this....

I stood in shock for a second and then started laughing, went to my second door and found the same thing. I sheepishly called one of my fellow RD's asking if they had a shovel and if they could come get me out.

Yeah...not going to jump over this one :)

Jones house lives :)

Jones house...Where the men flock like the fish of Capastromie (sp?...dumb and dumber quote modified)



Well the Jones house girls got together this weekend. I know you are all jealous, because a fun time is ALWAYS had by all when we get together!

The Christmas Season

At the center of our home, this time of year, is our Christmas tree. Each ornament has a story and a Christmas when it became part of the family. I smiled as I unwrapped the newer ornaments, they are the easiest ones to forget about. I lovingly unwrap each box. I look at the tree and decide what branch will be the perfect spot for this year. I smile at the memory of each Christmas the ornaments remind me of. A warmth filled my heart as the Christmas music continually played from the dining room. I watched the lights dance on the ornaments making them sparkle and dazzle. The soft glow of the lights made me wish for a fire place with some warm tea, a blanket, and good book.

Home

Sometimes you just miss the ones you love, the ones you lost, and the ones still to come.

I sit in my apartment working on last minute projects. The washing machine humming, my itunes singing, and my heart aching for home. Four months, this is definatly the longest time away for me. I miss my family "in the state up North" as some Ohio State fans might refer to it.
I can't wait to drive back home tomorrow, inhale deeply of my house, and play with my pets. My parents and I will have game nights everynight,I will get to spend time with the fun Wallinga Clan on Turkey day, I will go shopping on Friday morning :), and on Sunday I will return South.
I am thankful for the opportunities God has blessed me with this year. I am thankful for my family here in Indiana helping me feel at home. I am thankful for the amazing women I meet with every Thursday. I am thankful God is patient and loving. I am thankful God loves me so much He won't let me stay where I am but continues to call me to a place of obediance and trust.

The societal question of why and the fragile heart

Why do good girls go after bad boys? This question has long been debated. After some very good discussions and allowing things to percolate (that's for you George!) in my brain for a while I have come to some conclusion. Disclaimer: I am not bitter, I just find this interesting...

Good girls like bad boys perhaps because of the thrill or because they do not see them selves as being worth much. It is easier to like someone who might like you and then leave you allowing yourself to continually feel like crap. If a girl does not like herself why would she pursue relationships with amazing guys...she does not feel as though she measures up. Then you have a girl who takes a risk only to be told "you are a beautiful person" (guys don't ever say that...in girl world it means, "your fat and or ugly")

On the same hand why do guys typically go after the girls who are size 3 or smaller, have blond hair, and seems sort of ditzy? (Yes I'm making a stereotype!) perhaps good girls also run to the bad boys because they might not care as much if she is not supper skinny and ditzy. I am not totally sure why guys generally go for the skinny girls other then the mass media messages.

Are we all just scared of taking risks? Of loving someone and then having them walk away from us? Why do guys not pursue with abandon and girls not allow themselves to be loved?

So where do you fall in this? Do you agree with me? If not I would love to hear what you think!

Chicago, Willow, and Me

Well...I use to think I would like to live in a city for a little while, and perhaps some day that might still happen. But I would like to emphasize that I said I USE to think about living in a city. I went on my staff retreat this weekend to Chicago. There I realized some things about myself.
1. I am a hick! I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but
it is true!
2. I love nature! Not sure I would enjoy running on the streets of
Chicago having grown up running in the country.
3. I am an introvert. This one might shock some of you as well, but I
was pretty overwhelmed the entire time and just wanted to go sit out by
the lake or meander through a museum.
4. I don't jump on banwagons. We went to Willow Creek for church (if
you want more details ask me) but I was not completely sold on becoming
a full time attender if I lived there.

So I guess some day you might find me still living in the country running on open roads, being able to go horse back riding, and growing a nice vegetable garden...but God willing you won't find me living in a big city!

p.s. Chicago is a very nice city, so it is nothing personal against Chicago...which I will be visiting again in a couple weeks :)

Got Levi?

Katie and I where going to dress up in our outfits from other countries, but that felt like too much work...so we dressed up like Levi instead :) Saddly he did not get to see up in person. But we did leave a nice little gift in the office for him :) And yes this is RDs with too much time on their hands and a friend who can take a joke.

When I say I am a Christian...

When I say "I am a Christian"
I am not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing I am weak
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are too visible
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek His name.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

(posted by the Shatford RA staff in: The RACE)

Guitar and Greek

God is pursuing me. But how does one pursue God? How do you show the Creator of the world that you are chasing after Him? How do you grasp the fact that He wants us to pursue Him? I did not know the answer to this, so I prayed. I prayed that God would show me how to pursue Him. He answered...

I had a guitar lesson on Tuesday....I starting translating Greek on Thursday. Each of these days I found myself transported to a place where only God and I exists together. A place of deep love and communion. The place where words are not really needed because someone is revealing something to the other that is too special to put into words.

I pursued God through these two things, and in these two things God met me. I had thought too big. I had imagined I would have to come up with a pursuit different then something I already love to do. Yet I was gently reminded that it was the intimacy with God I found in a taste of these avenues that drove me to go deeper.

When I strum the cords I feel Him, as I sing the songs I sense his pleasure, and as I abandon my heart to Him I find rest. I find peace. I find deep joy.

When I translate the Greek words and see the deeper meaning that English can not grasp, I see a deeper side of God. In the broken Greek I hear His whisper of love. I see the revelation and am touched by the desire it awakens in my heart.

Do you pursue God? Run after Him like a child running to someone you love. Stretch out your arms and be prepared to sink deep into His loving arms.

Fall

I miss Michigan in the fall. I love the multitude of brilliant colors that cascade off the trees. I miss the smell of our house as my mom makes and cans applesauce. I no longer savor the sweet taste of homemade apple crisp. I long to feel the cool breeze on my face at night. I look longingly at my soft fleeces and sweaters wanting so much to wear them. But Fall is not the same here in Indiana... "Sigh"

New Star

So I was surfing the web and came across this new up and coming actor who is going to be staring in a movie called "I was going to graduate but went surfing instead" I think he might have a very promising career. On his personal profile he said he likes cooking with flour and eggs, fishing with Stink bait, and trying to hook his roommate from college up with other people. Let me know what you think :)

The Secret Garden

Have you ever seen the movie "The Secret Garden"? The basic story is of a little girl who looses her parents and moves from India to England to live with her distant Uncle. She has nothing to do all day and ends up wandering around the gardens of the estate. One day she finds a locked garden, she has in the mean time found an old key, so putting two and two together she unlocks the garden. This is her secret place where she begins to find a purpose and is driven to fix up the garden. She is not sure what to do but with the help of one of her only friends they plant and weed the garden. Through hard labor, toil, and sweat she works diligently to see the garden fixed up for spring.

As the movie unfolds it is evident the little changes in the girl's life. She begins to smile and laugh more, she comes alive with her new found love of gardening. By spring the Garden is beautiful, but she is afraid her Uncle will lock it back up once he finds out. (there is more to the story but you will have to read the book or watch the movie)

I find that some days I am the garden, locked and waiting for God to come in and weed, plant new things, and help cultivate(I know you are smirking Matt, Tim, and Phil) what is already there. He takes time to clear away the leaves, to pick out the weeds no matter how stubborn they are, He plants new things and tenderly waters and protects them. God sees my hidden beauty and wants to make it the best that He can. He takes time and has patience. My beauty in due time is being revealed to not only others but also myself

Other times I feel like the little girl. I have been hurt and confused and have found a purpose and task that God has helped me discover. I see the hard work ahead and recognize the sacrifice of time. I see the effort I have to put forth to change. I know that it is only through the hard work and risk of loosing it all that makes this process worth while. I see myself changing in little ways and opening up to those around me more and more. I see that I am not the same girl at the beginning of the movie. In the course of life I have begun to live.

The road behind

In my life I have always been focused on the road ahead of me. I try to strain and see what might be lying ahead. I read verses such as "the Lord is a lamp unto my feet" and I thought, "hey God turn the brights on, the fog is think out here." I remember being excited about graduating from High School. I craved a new beginning and a new chance to start over. I viewed my transition to college as making a turn down a new road and planned on never looking back. I always though the past is behind me.

Yet something Pastor DeNeff said in Church a couple weeks ago stirred my heart. I thought back to my past and saw how it had followed me even when I was not looking. I realized I knew this from the moment I stepped on to campus. I had been fighting it every time I would sneaked a look behind me. It has always lurked there in the shadows that I cast upon it.

I felt some freedom from my past this previous January when I had the amazing privilege to speak in chapel. I opened my heart and allowed others to hear my pain and challenge them to think outside the box. I still have so much to learn. But on Sunday Pastor DeNeff said that by looking at our past we see evidence of God. With new eyes I turned my head and took a long look back at everything in my life. Guess what? God was everywhere.

Celebration

I celebrate you. I see your strengths and your color in life and I rejoice in being able to witness it and be allowed to be a part of that. I no longer desire the things I can not have in you. I celebrate you by smiling, cheering, laughing, and showing you in small ways that I appreciate you. You are no longer the menacing person who hinders me in what I can do. You are no longer the opponent I will never beat. You are no longer frustrating to me.

I accept that I am a girl and I have limitation. You are a guy. I celebrate you! I like watching you play and be aggressive. I enjoy the display of "guyness". Thank you for showing me the masculine side of God.

I don't know what to say

An infinite amount of words could not express what I am feeling today. I marvel at my surroundings. I am in a place that I never would have imagined a year ago. A year ago I was making plans to go to Africa, I was convinced that I would never getting married (and upset about this), and I lived in complete bondage to my mind.

Today I am an RD at an amazing school, I am happier single today then I have been in the last four years, and am making changes in my life and am becoming Free. I have found my place in God's plan and it is far different then what I planned. Yet being here knowing God placed me in this place for a reason gives me confidence I never knew I had. Not so my will and my agenda can be done but so that those I touch see something HE has chosen for them to see.

I feel so humbled by what I get to do and how I get to love on people. Sure I am still under attack by Satan, yet I know my GOD is big enough, strong enough. It was said in a book I just read that, "faith does not become your own till it is tested." I have awoken from a deep sleep of bondage to find myself in a lovely valley filled with hurt, pain, and people desperate to be loved. My heart breaks and I cry easier then before.

I am changed...I am happy...I am content...God is good.