Nothing much to say

I am sitting in my office on a Saturday night listening to the hum of my printer as I await its finish. No cars are driving by with loud music, no students outside laughing, talking, or coming in. No TV is on is on or someone working the desk. Just me, my printer, and the silence. It does seem kind of creepy knowing that no one is here, campus will return to life tomorrow...but for tonight it sits awaiting the students return.

The silence reminds me of this summer and the simple way life seemed. The empty parking lots, the stillness that greats the ears, and the way life feels slower. No anxious people darting here or there. But I miss it. I miss the activity and the feel of life. I miss my staff. I have enjoyed the break and got some much needed rest, but I find that I have crossed over. I need people. I have been an introvert for most of my life and yet I dreaded saying good bye to people for Thanksgiving. I had a guy last year describe missing people and I had no idea what he was talking about then...now I do.

So I sit here in my office working on a project. Maybe I enjoy the silence because a part of me knows that it will not last because it never does.

The long road

It is that point in the semester, the time when it seems as though the light at the end of the tunnel is really there and we are getting closer. I look back on this semester and can't believe how fast it has gone. I am still not sure how I survived exactly other than the prayers of people and some late night talks with friends. I have had frantic conversations about my life or lack there of. I have been angry and hurt, I have cried many tears driving home from my internship, and I have spent time laughing with my staff.

Through it all I see God. I have felt in the last week a weight lifted from my shoulders. A weight that I did not know was heavy on me. It was during one of those night talks with a friend that she spoke truth into my life and I awoke the next day free. God was with me through out that time I just couldn't see Him working. I know He has carried me this semester through one of the craziest 3 months of my life.

I have learned that no matter what each day brings I must rest IN God. It is not always about a state of actually resting but resting in WHO God is and What He is able to do. I have a quote that I have been reading almost everyday this past week...

"Every day of our Christian experience should be a day of relating to God on the
basis of His grace alone, your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond
the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are
beyond the need of God's grace."
~Jerry Bridges

No matter my physical, emotional, or mental state...God is there with me.

ice cream conversation

I went up to get some ice cream to go with my slightly dry Baldwin Chocolate Cake, as I was handed an ice cream scoop me and this random guy were looking at the different kinds of ice cream... ( I have never seen this guy before in my life)


guy: what kind of ice cream are you going to get?
me: I don't know, (looking in the case) is that cookies and cream?
guy: yeah
me: That's what I'm getting
guy: what's this? PB cup?
me: (intently looking) I think it's cookie dough, yeah...it is
guy: thanks for helping me
me: Well, I'm here to serve
guy:I have been standing here for 20 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted.
me: choosing ice cream is a very important decision
guy: you should be a therapist, is that your major?
me: actually I'm getting my master in marriage and family therapy, so I am a therapist
guy: well I guess I'll have a good marriage and family now
me: ( chuckling under my breath) enjoy your ice cream

Fork in the road

There comes a time in life when there is a fork in the road. Lately I feel myself standing at this junction and wonder which way I should go. Both have the potential to be good, both could easily be argued to be part of God's will. Yet I know there reaches a point where sometimes God will lay before us these two roads and either one we pick is fine.

I sometimes get this thought in my head that I have to do it right the first time. Me picking a path is not going to disrupt God's plan, that is thinking too highly of myself. If God does not want me going down a path, He will stop me. His will is going to be accomplished no matter what. I realize that as long as I'm chasing after God with all my heart, it is foolish to think that I could run away from Him and run down the wrong path in life.

With this new choice in front of me I will pray, I will take time to consider all the side...but I have peace knowing I can rest in God no matter what happens.

The perfect night

The horses plodded along as we crossed the empty field of corn, they urged each other on. The evening sky was starting to peak from behind the parting clouds, the stillness that engulfed us silenced our lips. It seemed only enough to be. Being a part of this perfect fall evening seemed like such a gift. The golden fields of un-harvested corn and soybeans danced in the evening twilight. The only sound came from us, our conversation at times, and the rhythm of the hoofs beating the earth. Every step sure and firm on the uneven ground. The urging of my heals brought the horse to a canter and then to the fluid movement of a gallup.

We laughed as we worked to remind the horses who was boss. We marveled at their strength and how easily they could have control. But I reminded Jess, that was why we were riding them and they weren't riding us. We joked of pitching a tent on the edge of field and camping out for the night, we could have. It was the perfect fall night.

Facebook

I finally broke down and got on facebook. This was not really my choice having found out that they want me to have it for my job. So I plunged in last night. I find it very fun and interesting a mixture of getting to be creative, looking at people's pictures, and asking to be friends with people....

Ok, so it reminds me of elementary school. Passing notes with a circle yes or no to be my friend. I eagerly open my e-mail hoping someone will ask me to be there friends, opening my facebook to see who has agreed to be my friend. But my dilemma is...what if I don't want to be someone's friend? That seems a little awkward, turn them down on face book and then run into them. Is there such a thing as Facebook rage? People who can't handle not being excepted as a friend on Facebook?

I guess that is part of the risk for being involved in facebook...maybe I should start a "rejected friend request" group to help them find each other :)

Oh yeah....that

So you and God are having a conversation and you throw out a prayer in all sincerity asking that God do something. Then it happens...but you forgot you prayed your prayer (again sincerely)and God has to gently remind you of that prayer? I can't be the only one out there that has had this happen. I will give an example...

I liked this guy my sophomore year. We had hit it off and he seemed interested, but I was a unit Chaplin that year so one day looking out my Evans window watching him play basketball (no I was not stalking him, I happened to look out and noticed he was playing). I told God that I wanted a boyfriend, but that if dating this guy would hinder my ministry with the girls on my floor...well then I didn't want it. Let's just say less then a week later he was definitely no longer showing signs of being interested and today he is married. Yet in the middle of not understanding why he no longer was interested and trying to figure out what I had done wrong...well it finally occurred to me what I had prayed.

I obviously was not the girl for him...even though we had clicked and had some great conversations. I guess all to say that I'm finding myself in a similar situation. I am amazed at how even in the middle of sincere prayer I still seem to have this idea in the back of my head of how I want it to go. I don't pray and let it go. I pray and then walk away still holding it. This does not hinder God in answering my prayer but simply makes it harder on me in the end. I'm just thankful God is patient and helps me slowly pry my fingers off to let go. Right now it just seems like a slow and painful process...maybe someday I can fully lay something down and walk away, remembering what I prayed and why.

How they make me smile...

They are trying to fish, Kat I think almost caught one with her bare hands.



They like Ice cream as much as I do :)

Just a quick post to show you what I have been up to.

late night thoughts

I have been feeling a shifting in my soul. I think it started in the last couple weeks. I have been learning more about myself lately and I wish for a little time to sort it all out. So I sit here late tonight telling myself I should get into bed because I have to get up and run by 6:30 tomorrow morning, yet here I sit. I talk to God and ask Him what some of this is suppose to mean, I don't really expect an answer. The following is some of my contemplation...

My media fast has been over for a week now. I have lost it from my life. This might seem funny but it is true. A year is a long time to have a discipline in your life. I am enjoying the time with people through movie watching, but I am not moving a TV back into my apartment. The haunting feeling of emptiness that follows after turning it off keeps me from moving it back in.

Relationships in my life are very important to me. I have been feeling blessed by the amazing women in my life and the joy I feel through them. I think of my guy friends and how some of them are such unexpected friends and how I see God in them amazes me.

Being in the college setting feels much harder right now then ever before. Everyone else in my life has moved on to a different surrounding and yet here I still am being a 20 something and getting paid to chill with amazing people. Yet I feel the difference this year. The balance of being a friend, boss, mentor, and still trying to maintain me. Sometimes I think people think I took the easy job in staying at school, it is nights like this that I realize that is not true and wonder if I would have stayed had I known the road. That answer is yes.

Guys...I am at an interesting place with this subject. I guess if only girls were reading this I might elaborate a little more, but in not knowing who will read this I just can't be that open on this subject. Not to mention that the meaning of my words seem lost at times through this venue. I guess if you really want to know, call me.

The schedule

This is the beginning of the end of my blog for a while. I have training with my staff this week and then the students arrive for RA training. Everything from here on out in my life is planned for me. This is nice...but my entire summer has been like this. I am feeling burnt out and tired, not to mention that I have gotten sick this past weekend. I am not trying to complain but simply ask that you would pray for me. I hopefully will find time to blog a little, because I'm sure I'll have some great stories once my staff gets back. They are a fun time waiting to happen in my life. The little taste I have had of them makes me smile and reminds me why I love my job so much. So please don't get offended if you don't hear from me for a while...it's not that I don't care, you're just not on the schedule :)

The eyes that see

I had to go to the eye doctor this week. I thought I had a scratch on my eye and wanted to get it taken care of before the craziness of training starts in August. Upon leaving my visit I have been restricted to my glasses for two weeks. My contacts apparently are not fitting my eyes correctly causing them to suffocate my cornia's and not allow them to breath. My cornia's were so inflamed the doctor had to put dye into my eye to see them. So I get to go back to the eye doctor in two weeks to get re-fitted for new contacts. I know some of you will understand more then others about these "joys" of having eye problems. I know things could be a lot worse....but if you have 20/20 vision you should thank God tonight before you go to sleep. Needless to say I am not overjoyed about wearing my glasses but am thankful I went in and it can be corrected with out me hurting my eyes any longer.

The image

I was checking my e-mail the other day and say an advertisement of Victoria's Secret. This is not something new for me but I did have a thought pop into my head. I could never be that model. She was selling their product but also the image of being perfect and seductive. Is that all women are suppose to be? Isn't that what our culture tries to tell us? Show a little more leg or cleavage....then you'll get the attention you want. Then you will go places. Then you will catch the guy of your dreams.

How long will we believe this, how long have we believed this? I have a brain and like using it, thank you very much. I would hope that men see me for more then my body. Yet in a image driven world I am made to feel that me being me is not enough. I know guys might not fully understand this but there is a lot of pressure on girls in this area of their life.

Sometimes I wonder if we have become too image focused and loose the perspective on what God wants us to look like. I would not allow myself to work out for a while in college because I knew that my motives were to improve my body in hopes of catching a guy. God had to strip me of this thinking before I ever started to work out consistently. Not all girls allow God into this area of their life and end up trapped in the cultural mind set of becoming this perfect "image".

May I never care so much about my outward appearance that my inner appearance is lacking.

God supplies

I have had an interesting week. I have felt overwhelmed at times followed by a deep joy and peace. I have had great conversations with people and good times, followed by mini break downs from stress. I am continually amazed at how well God takes care of us. He knows my needs and supplies for me in ways I could never have imagined. I feel blessed and loved so deeply by my God and Father.

That's all I wanted to share. Look into your own life and see the ways that God daily loves you and provides for you.

Songs

This is dedicated to CJ and Dan who were astounded that I did not have a list of top 5 songs....well brace yourself.

I was listening to the radio and thought of a couple... these are in no particular order because I have not gotten that far in my song selection of my "top 5"

1. Redeemer- Nicole C. Mullins

2. I can only imagine- Mercy Me

3. God bless the Broken road- ?

The price of perfection

Sometimes it is very hard to let things go. I work, I struggle, and I toil and some how I still mess up. I set the bar high and watch myself fall, reaching out trying to at lest touch the bar. I need to allow myself the freedom to mess up. I always think of the DC Talk song "What if I stumble".

"What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I loose my step and make fools of us all? Will the walk continue, will the walk become a crawl? What if I stumble and what if I fall?

In my media fast, of this past 11 months, I have found some grey area's that I did not anticipate. I am not talking about the movie I had to watch in class or the movie I had to write a paper on for my midterm. One of the grey area's was Internet movie clips. I have watched some of them. In those moments I look back and don't remember how I justified watching them. I think sometimes I felt caught if someone was trying to show one and felt stuck, not even really thinking about leaving the room.

So I apologize for that. I tripped up in this area of my media fast. Through it God has been teaching me about myself and helping me explore why I justified seeing them at that moment. I feel as though I have let people down because I was suppose to be fasting from these things. I wanted to be able to say that I did my fast perfectly. But perhaps that is pridefull and not the real meaning of a fast. I am human and will and do make mistakes, sometimes I have a hard time accepting that.

Return of the Nerd

Sandra and I have officially joined the Community Band here in town. It was funny to me how nothing in a band room changes no matter where you are. They all smell the same and look the same. I had a great time and look forward to continuing at lest the rest of the summer. I don't know yet if my fall classes will conflict with rehearsal times :) We have concerts various times through out the rest of the summer and I will soon be acquiring the polo shirt that will proudly proclaim that I am in fact a member of the community band :) (I know you are all jealous)

Boxes...

I discovered today that cat's are not the only creatures that like to play in boxes...





And it is obviously very tiring to play in boxes as well. (I love being an Aunt!!)

Media Fast Journal entry number two

This is a little bit from my media fast journal. A reminder God gave me today when life just seems to happen...

I have found that in all of this I have seen God break down my expectations and generalities. Things I believe or thought I hold strong to, I see God challenging and nudging me to look deeper, search longer, and to look at things from a different perspective. I have felt God close and I have felt God near. I sit during my times of frustration and battle things out with God instead of calling someone and find peace in this. I watch my life moving around me and notice the differences in how I handle things now then what I have in the past. I see growth and that encourages me.
I still see myself laying things down at God’s feet, walking away a bit and then look down to see I am still caring it. I wrestle with it a little more and then put it back at God’s feet only to walk away and see I am still carrying part of it. I struggle with wanting control but realizing that in turning control over to God I allow myself to be a part of His bigger plan. I have to accept that life will not turn out exactly how I want it and I have to be ok with that. God has to be my constant source of power and of strength. He has to be my everything or I am nothing. The little adage I have been saying to myself a lot lately is “Lord I am willing, and You are able.” I cling to my faith and allow God to direct my path. I admit to Him when I am scared and terrified. I talk myself to death and then wait for Him to whispers in my ear. It is always just the right words at just the right time. They are never the words I was expecting but the words I needed to hear.

Life

Life is good. I find that even in a non-scheduled time like right now I have found a rhythm to life and find myself keeping up quite fine. It has been hard seeing my staff leave. I enjoy being in the middle, knowing people and having built the relationships.

May term around here is different but has been very good. I have been busy with Ultimate Frisbee, Volleyball, Running, Biking, hanging out, reading, sun bathing :), and seeing clients. I even have picked up a new sport...Tennis. Melody was nice enough to take me out and teach me a little bit. Let's just say my reflexes are much more geared for Raquetball or volleyball :). In a sport where you don't snap your wrist or try to pelt the ball as hard as you can I was finding it hard to restrain myself.



I also have a officially crossed over in the game Axis and Allies...I woke up this morning, after playing 6-7 hours last night, thinking about what I was going to do tonight when we get together to play! I laughed with the guys about this because when I first learned how to play I didn't even think I was going to like the game.

This summer I will be staying busy with Clients, classes, a summer staff, and some time with friends. This is my life right now...And I love it! I plan on trying to suck the marrow out of life right were I am. I want to drink deep during this season of my life as God is preparing me for the next one :)

Cleaning

It is funny to me to be sitting here blogging and feeling content because I have spent the earlier part of this afternoon cleaning and washing and sorting. A feeling I have been waiting for all week. I have been eyeing my spare bedroom and spying the piles I want to divide and conquer. I love being organized! :) But in typing an e-mail to a friend I said something that I thought I would share.

Cleaning and laundry are not the typical things that most 20 somethings see as fun or worth taking time for. I know some of this falls under my personality but I look forward to time to keep my apartment clean. But maybe part of the reason this appeals to me is because it is normal. It is something I have done for almost as long as I can remember.

Is that why cleaning has such an appeal to me? It reminds me that life happens. I see cleaning as something to check off my list but it is also a task I don't need to think about. It requires nothing of me. I tackle it, I conquer it, and next week I will do it again.

Maybe I am just thinking too much....