Over

The semester is done, over, finished, and I am glad. Not glad to have to say good-bye to people but glad to change to a new schedule and routine. My sister had her baby, which is exciting, they named her Damaris (Duh-Maris) Rebekah. I get this week off from school and my internship before I start my final leg in getting my schooling done.

I will finish my last internship this summer, two classes this fall, and two classes next spring and then I will graduate. I am hoping to spend some time this summer with friends and hanging out. I am excited to think that this fall will be the beginning of my third year at my job and will officially be full time (I'm considered part-time right now). This means I officially have my first adult job. I will be receiving benefits and retirement :)

time moves on...

I think this is the longest time I have gone between posting :) Well in the last month I had an amazing Spring Break (and much needed). I went to South Carolina with three incredible girls. We went sea kayaking to an island on the coast and spent the week soaking up sun and doing nothing! I have been back for the last few weeks in reality which includes my job and my "other job" also called my internship. Things are going well but I am busy. I find myself still living day to day and seeking God in all things.

(I'm third from the left...we slept on the seashell ridge we are standing on because we got lost. If you want to know the whole story let me know :) )

I am amazed at the little ways He takes care of me as well as being able to see the ways He spared me by saying no to things in my life. Sometimes we have to move through life before we can look back and see what our wanting would have cost us. I'm still pulled between two worlds but the light is at the end of the tunnel! If you are reading this and I haven't talked to you in a while...you are not alone! Maybe I should start a group for all my family and friends that I haven't kept in contact with this semester :). Please don't take it personal and if you call me I do call back!

Let it rock the boat.

I was doing some reading and this really caught my attention...

This comes from the book "The story we find ourselves in" by: Brian McLaren. One of his characters is talking about the crucifixion...
"...I think it's all about God's agony being made visible- you know, the pain of forgiving, the pain of absorbing betrayal and forgoing any revenge, of risking that your heart will be hurt again, for the sake of love, at the very worst moment, when the beloved has been least worthy of forgiveness, but stands most in need of it. It's not just something legal or mental. It's not just words; it has to be embodied, and nails and thorns and sweat and tears and blood strike me as the only true language of betrayal and forgiveness."

This is a powerful statement. How often do we look at the cross as Jesus taking on our individual betrayal of God? Christ took all the times we have hurt God and all the times we will in the future. He was in agony, He endured the physical pain of betrayal. Being betrayed causes physical pain. Our response is revenge, God's response is forgiveness...to the point of allowing His son to bear the burden of not just the pain but the true agony of God turning His back on Him. That is a pain we will never have to endure because of Christ's love.

The wedding day

I thought I would put up a couple pictures from Justin's wedding for those of you who couldn't make it...


The girls looking all pretty


The guys acting the way they usually do.

The Family Has Spoken

Well tonight my suspicions were confirmed. I always thought that if I was to date someone my staff would have to approve. I am correct in saying this. Melody was talking to a mutual friend, who one of my friends was trying to set me up with last year, about her trying to set us up (I was unaware he knew about this). This spawned conversation among my staff about this person (who they all know) and asking me what I thought. So I guess if a guy is interested in me he won't have to meet my family but my staff for approval :)

Just today

My life is chaos. I run from one thing to the next with not much of a social life to speak of. I live on sleep, prayer, and supportive understanding from those I work with. Yet I have peace, a deep peace that has settled on me this new year. I am trying something new this year; I am focusing on every day as it comes. When thoughts of tomorrow, everything I have to do, or other intruding thoughts break in I push them away. I make a list as not to forgot the important things but other wise I tell myself what day of the week it is and remind myself of what I need to do TODAY.


I am trying to enjoy every day that I have. I only get this day once and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. True not all days are fun but that's when I remind myself it isn't forever. I am not stuck in some perpetually repeating movie like "Ground Hog's Day" good or bad tomorrow will come. Every night I sit on my bed and quiet my heart before God to reflect on the day as well as diving into His word and truth. I lean on Him. I have nothing else in my life that gives me strength than Him.

An old woman :)

Well I have been told by friends that I have grandma tendencies...here's the list we have come up with.

1. I like to crochet
2. I do puzzles for fun
3. I have a huge rearview mirror
4. I watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy while home
5. I enjoy making quilts

I don't remember if there are any more...feel free to let me know if you think of anything else :)

Feels like home...

Home, it is not a place that can be nailed down. Home is the feeling inside that we have to carry with us where ever our feet land. It is the warmth inside, happy memories, and that feeling of being known by those around you. It is knowing that laughter or tears are accepted and there is no need to try to impress those that you are with. It is a deep comfort and rest in your soul.

Nothing much to say

I am sitting in my office on a Saturday night listening to the hum of my printer as I await its finish. No cars are driving by with loud music, no students outside laughing, talking, or coming in. No TV is on is on or someone working the desk. Just me, my printer, and the silence. It does seem kind of creepy knowing that no one is here, campus will return to life tomorrow...but for tonight it sits awaiting the students return.

The silence reminds me of this summer and the simple way life seemed. The empty parking lots, the stillness that greats the ears, and the way life feels slower. No anxious people darting here or there. But I miss it. I miss the activity and the feel of life. I miss my staff. I have enjoyed the break and got some much needed rest, but I find that I have crossed over. I need people. I have been an introvert for most of my life and yet I dreaded saying good bye to people for Thanksgiving. I had a guy last year describe missing people and I had no idea what he was talking about then...now I do.

So I sit here in my office working on a project. Maybe I enjoy the silence because a part of me knows that it will not last because it never does.

The long road

It is that point in the semester, the time when it seems as though the light at the end of the tunnel is really there and we are getting closer. I look back on this semester and can't believe how fast it has gone. I am still not sure how I survived exactly other than the prayers of people and some late night talks with friends. I have had frantic conversations about my life or lack there of. I have been angry and hurt, I have cried many tears driving home from my internship, and I have spent time laughing with my staff.

Through it all I see God. I have felt in the last week a weight lifted from my shoulders. A weight that I did not know was heavy on me. It was during one of those night talks with a friend that she spoke truth into my life and I awoke the next day free. God was with me through out that time I just couldn't see Him working. I know He has carried me this semester through one of the craziest 3 months of my life.

I have learned that no matter what each day brings I must rest IN God. It is not always about a state of actually resting but resting in WHO God is and What He is able to do. I have a quote that I have been reading almost everyday this past week...

"Every day of our Christian experience should be a day of relating to God on the
basis of His grace alone, your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond
the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are
beyond the need of God's grace."
~Jerry Bridges

No matter my physical, emotional, or mental state...God is there with me.

ice cream conversation

I went up to get some ice cream to go with my slightly dry Baldwin Chocolate Cake, as I was handed an ice cream scoop me and this random guy were looking at the different kinds of ice cream... ( I have never seen this guy before in my life)


guy: what kind of ice cream are you going to get?
me: I don't know, (looking in the case) is that cookies and cream?
guy: yeah
me: That's what I'm getting
guy: what's this? PB cup?
me: (intently looking) I think it's cookie dough, yeah...it is
guy: thanks for helping me
me: Well, I'm here to serve
guy:I have been standing here for 20 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted.
me: choosing ice cream is a very important decision
guy: you should be a therapist, is that your major?
me: actually I'm getting my master in marriage and family therapy, so I am a therapist
guy: well I guess I'll have a good marriage and family now
me: ( chuckling under my breath) enjoy your ice cream

Fork in the road

There comes a time in life when there is a fork in the road. Lately I feel myself standing at this junction and wonder which way I should go. Both have the potential to be good, both could easily be argued to be part of God's will. Yet I know there reaches a point where sometimes God will lay before us these two roads and either one we pick is fine.

I sometimes get this thought in my head that I have to do it right the first time. Me picking a path is not going to disrupt God's plan, that is thinking too highly of myself. If God does not want me going down a path, He will stop me. His will is going to be accomplished no matter what. I realize that as long as I'm chasing after God with all my heart, it is foolish to think that I could run away from Him and run down the wrong path in life.

With this new choice in front of me I will pray, I will take time to consider all the side...but I have peace knowing I can rest in God no matter what happens.

The perfect night

The horses plodded along as we crossed the empty field of corn, they urged each other on. The evening sky was starting to peak from behind the parting clouds, the stillness that engulfed us silenced our lips. It seemed only enough to be. Being a part of this perfect fall evening seemed like such a gift. The golden fields of un-harvested corn and soybeans danced in the evening twilight. The only sound came from us, our conversation at times, and the rhythm of the hoofs beating the earth. Every step sure and firm on the uneven ground. The urging of my heals brought the horse to a canter and then to the fluid movement of a gallup.

We laughed as we worked to remind the horses who was boss. We marveled at their strength and how easily they could have control. But I reminded Jess, that was why we were riding them and they weren't riding us. We joked of pitching a tent on the edge of field and camping out for the night, we could have. It was the perfect fall night.

Facebook

I finally broke down and got on facebook. This was not really my choice having found out that they want me to have it for my job. So I plunged in last night. I find it very fun and interesting a mixture of getting to be creative, looking at people's pictures, and asking to be friends with people....

Ok, so it reminds me of elementary school. Passing notes with a circle yes or no to be my friend. I eagerly open my e-mail hoping someone will ask me to be there friends, opening my facebook to see who has agreed to be my friend. But my dilemma is...what if I don't want to be someone's friend? That seems a little awkward, turn them down on face book and then run into them. Is there such a thing as Facebook rage? People who can't handle not being excepted as a friend on Facebook?

I guess that is part of the risk for being involved in facebook...maybe I should start a "rejected friend request" group to help them find each other :)

Oh yeah....that

So you and God are having a conversation and you throw out a prayer in all sincerity asking that God do something. Then it happens...but you forgot you prayed your prayer (again sincerely)and God has to gently remind you of that prayer? I can't be the only one out there that has had this happen. I will give an example...

I liked this guy my sophomore year. We had hit it off and he seemed interested, but I was a unit Chaplin that year so one day looking out my Evans window watching him play basketball (no I was not stalking him, I happened to look out and noticed he was playing). I told God that I wanted a boyfriend, but that if dating this guy would hinder my ministry with the girls on my floor...well then I didn't want it. Let's just say less then a week later he was definitely no longer showing signs of being interested and today he is married. Yet in the middle of not understanding why he no longer was interested and trying to figure out what I had done wrong...well it finally occurred to me what I had prayed.

I obviously was not the girl for him...even though we had clicked and had some great conversations. I guess all to say that I'm finding myself in a similar situation. I am amazed at how even in the middle of sincere prayer I still seem to have this idea in the back of my head of how I want it to go. I don't pray and let it go. I pray and then walk away still holding it. This does not hinder God in answering my prayer but simply makes it harder on me in the end. I'm just thankful God is patient and helps me slowly pry my fingers off to let go. Right now it just seems like a slow and painful process...maybe someday I can fully lay something down and walk away, remembering what I prayed and why.

How they make me smile...

They are trying to fish, Kat I think almost caught one with her bare hands.



They like Ice cream as much as I do :)

Just a quick post to show you what I have been up to.

late night thoughts

I have been feeling a shifting in my soul. I think it started in the last couple weeks. I have been learning more about myself lately and I wish for a little time to sort it all out. So I sit here late tonight telling myself I should get into bed because I have to get up and run by 6:30 tomorrow morning, yet here I sit. I talk to God and ask Him what some of this is suppose to mean, I don't really expect an answer. The following is some of my contemplation...

My media fast has been over for a week now. I have lost it from my life. This might seem funny but it is true. A year is a long time to have a discipline in your life. I am enjoying the time with people through movie watching, but I am not moving a TV back into my apartment. The haunting feeling of emptiness that follows after turning it off keeps me from moving it back in.

Relationships in my life are very important to me. I have been feeling blessed by the amazing women in my life and the joy I feel through them. I think of my guy friends and how some of them are such unexpected friends and how I see God in them amazes me.

Being in the college setting feels much harder right now then ever before. Everyone else in my life has moved on to a different surrounding and yet here I still am being a 20 something and getting paid to chill with amazing people. Yet I feel the difference this year. The balance of being a friend, boss, mentor, and still trying to maintain me. Sometimes I think people think I took the easy job in staying at school, it is nights like this that I realize that is not true and wonder if I would have stayed had I known the road. That answer is yes.

Guys...I am at an interesting place with this subject. I guess if only girls were reading this I might elaborate a little more, but in not knowing who will read this I just can't be that open on this subject. Not to mention that the meaning of my words seem lost at times through this venue. I guess if you really want to know, call me.

The schedule

This is the beginning of the end of my blog for a while. I have training with my staff this week and then the students arrive for RA training. Everything from here on out in my life is planned for me. This is nice...but my entire summer has been like this. I am feeling burnt out and tired, not to mention that I have gotten sick this past weekend. I am not trying to complain but simply ask that you would pray for me. I hopefully will find time to blog a little, because I'm sure I'll have some great stories once my staff gets back. They are a fun time waiting to happen in my life. The little taste I have had of them makes me smile and reminds me why I love my job so much. So please don't get offended if you don't hear from me for a while...it's not that I don't care, you're just not on the schedule :)

The eyes that see

I had to go to the eye doctor this week. I thought I had a scratch on my eye and wanted to get it taken care of before the craziness of training starts in August. Upon leaving my visit I have been restricted to my glasses for two weeks. My contacts apparently are not fitting my eyes correctly causing them to suffocate my cornia's and not allow them to breath. My cornia's were so inflamed the doctor had to put dye into my eye to see them. So I get to go back to the eye doctor in two weeks to get re-fitted for new contacts. I know some of you will understand more then others about these "joys" of having eye problems. I know things could be a lot worse....but if you have 20/20 vision you should thank God tonight before you go to sleep. Needless to say I am not overjoyed about wearing my glasses but am thankful I went in and it can be corrected with out me hurting my eyes any longer.

The image

I was checking my e-mail the other day and say an advertisement of Victoria's Secret. This is not something new for me but I did have a thought pop into my head. I could never be that model. She was selling their product but also the image of being perfect and seductive. Is that all women are suppose to be? Isn't that what our culture tries to tell us? Show a little more leg or cleavage....then you'll get the attention you want. Then you will go places. Then you will catch the guy of your dreams.

How long will we believe this, how long have we believed this? I have a brain and like using it, thank you very much. I would hope that men see me for more then my body. Yet in a image driven world I am made to feel that me being me is not enough. I know guys might not fully understand this but there is a lot of pressure on girls in this area of their life.

Sometimes I wonder if we have become too image focused and loose the perspective on what God wants us to look like. I would not allow myself to work out for a while in college because I knew that my motives were to improve my body in hopes of catching a guy. God had to strip me of this thinking before I ever started to work out consistently. Not all girls allow God into this area of their life and end up trapped in the cultural mind set of becoming this perfect "image".

May I never care so much about my outward appearance that my inner appearance is lacking.