God supplies

I have had an interesting week. I have felt overwhelmed at times followed by a deep joy and peace. I have had great conversations with people and good times, followed by mini break downs from stress. I am continually amazed at how well God takes care of us. He knows my needs and supplies for me in ways I could never have imagined. I feel blessed and loved so deeply by my God and Father.

That's all I wanted to share. Look into your own life and see the ways that God daily loves you and provides for you.

Songs

This is dedicated to CJ and Dan who were astounded that I did not have a list of top 5 songs....well brace yourself.

I was listening to the radio and thought of a couple... these are in no particular order because I have not gotten that far in my song selection of my "top 5"

1. Redeemer- Nicole C. Mullins

2. I can only imagine- Mercy Me

3. God bless the Broken road- ?

The price of perfection

Sometimes it is very hard to let things go. I work, I struggle, and I toil and some how I still mess up. I set the bar high and watch myself fall, reaching out trying to at lest touch the bar. I need to allow myself the freedom to mess up. I always think of the DC Talk song "What if I stumble".

"What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I loose my step and make fools of us all? Will the walk continue, will the walk become a crawl? What if I stumble and what if I fall?

In my media fast, of this past 11 months, I have found some grey area's that I did not anticipate. I am not talking about the movie I had to watch in class or the movie I had to write a paper on for my midterm. One of the grey area's was Internet movie clips. I have watched some of them. In those moments I look back and don't remember how I justified watching them. I think sometimes I felt caught if someone was trying to show one and felt stuck, not even really thinking about leaving the room.

So I apologize for that. I tripped up in this area of my media fast. Through it God has been teaching me about myself and helping me explore why I justified seeing them at that moment. I feel as though I have let people down because I was suppose to be fasting from these things. I wanted to be able to say that I did my fast perfectly. But perhaps that is pridefull and not the real meaning of a fast. I am human and will and do make mistakes, sometimes I have a hard time accepting that.

Return of the Nerd

Sandra and I have officially joined the Community Band here in town. It was funny to me how nothing in a band room changes no matter where you are. They all smell the same and look the same. I had a great time and look forward to continuing at lest the rest of the summer. I don't know yet if my fall classes will conflict with rehearsal times :) We have concerts various times through out the rest of the summer and I will soon be acquiring the polo shirt that will proudly proclaim that I am in fact a member of the community band :) (I know you are all jealous)

Boxes...

I discovered today that cat's are not the only creatures that like to play in boxes...





And it is obviously very tiring to play in boxes as well. (I love being an Aunt!!)

Media Fast Journal entry number two

This is a little bit from my media fast journal. A reminder God gave me today when life just seems to happen...

I have found that in all of this I have seen God break down my expectations and generalities. Things I believe or thought I hold strong to, I see God challenging and nudging me to look deeper, search longer, and to look at things from a different perspective. I have felt God close and I have felt God near. I sit during my times of frustration and battle things out with God instead of calling someone and find peace in this. I watch my life moving around me and notice the differences in how I handle things now then what I have in the past. I see growth and that encourages me.
I still see myself laying things down at God’s feet, walking away a bit and then look down to see I am still caring it. I wrestle with it a little more and then put it back at God’s feet only to walk away and see I am still carrying part of it. I struggle with wanting control but realizing that in turning control over to God I allow myself to be a part of His bigger plan. I have to accept that life will not turn out exactly how I want it and I have to be ok with that. God has to be my constant source of power and of strength. He has to be my everything or I am nothing. The little adage I have been saying to myself a lot lately is “Lord I am willing, and You are able.” I cling to my faith and allow God to direct my path. I admit to Him when I am scared and terrified. I talk myself to death and then wait for Him to whispers in my ear. It is always just the right words at just the right time. They are never the words I was expecting but the words I needed to hear.

Life

Life is good. I find that even in a non-scheduled time like right now I have found a rhythm to life and find myself keeping up quite fine. It has been hard seeing my staff leave. I enjoy being in the middle, knowing people and having built the relationships.

May term around here is different but has been very good. I have been busy with Ultimate Frisbee, Volleyball, Running, Biking, hanging out, reading, sun bathing :), and seeing clients. I even have picked up a new sport...Tennis. Melody was nice enough to take me out and teach me a little bit. Let's just say my reflexes are much more geared for Raquetball or volleyball :). In a sport where you don't snap your wrist or try to pelt the ball as hard as you can I was finding it hard to restrain myself.



I also have a officially crossed over in the game Axis and Allies...I woke up this morning, after playing 6-7 hours last night, thinking about what I was going to do tonight when we get together to play! I laughed with the guys about this because when I first learned how to play I didn't even think I was going to like the game.

This summer I will be staying busy with Clients, classes, a summer staff, and some time with friends. This is my life right now...And I love it! I plan on trying to suck the marrow out of life right were I am. I want to drink deep during this season of my life as God is preparing me for the next one :)

Cleaning

It is funny to me to be sitting here blogging and feeling content because I have spent the earlier part of this afternoon cleaning and washing and sorting. A feeling I have been waiting for all week. I have been eyeing my spare bedroom and spying the piles I want to divide and conquer. I love being organized! :) But in typing an e-mail to a friend I said something that I thought I would share.

Cleaning and laundry are not the typical things that most 20 somethings see as fun or worth taking time for. I know some of this falls under my personality but I look forward to time to keep my apartment clean. But maybe part of the reason this appeals to me is because it is normal. It is something I have done for almost as long as I can remember.

Is that why cleaning has such an appeal to me? It reminds me that life happens. I see cleaning as something to check off my list but it is also a task I don't need to think about. It requires nothing of me. I tackle it, I conquer it, and next week I will do it again.

Maybe I am just thinking too much....

The little details

I know that I just put a new blog up two days ago...but when things come to me I just need to write.

I sat today during the college's Baccalaureate service and started to think about the Bible, the old testament to be exact. I am reading through the Bible in a year and my year long Bible has just finished the story of Gideon. Something in my head asked me what it is really about. What does it mean to me? I sat thinking about this pondering all that I have learned and all that I know. But to me the answer was simple. The Bible is what God does in imperfect people.

We always wonder and speculate about the little details of a person's life. We get a glimpse, one or two snap shots of this person or people. We see their lack of faith, their willingness or lack of willingness to follow God, and how God uses them were they are. I started thinking about how my life would be described by the Bible.

The little details of my life would be omitted. No one would know that I fell down the stairs at a young age and chipped my front two baby teeth. No one would know that I use to make up stories and songs to my little hearts content as a little girl. No one would know about the pets I loved, the books I read, or the music I have played.

This communicates what God has been whispering in my soul this year. It is not about me, but about HIM. It is HIS plan for my life. It is all for HIS glory, not mine. I am the imperfect vessel of which HIS hand has made. HIS breath has made living, and HIS son has redeemed. I am part of HIS bigger plan. God cares about the details of my life but is not consumed with them.

My story in Biblical form would be about a girl who didn't trust God. A girl who doubted God. A girl who was scared of God. A girl who was redeemed and restored. A girl who loves God.

That time

Summer is such a magical time of year. Something takes over for those precious three to four months of the year. Freedom seems to be whispered in the trees. Life seems right for no reason at all. We laugh and play as children running barefoot through the cool grass. The trees beckon us with their branches longing for us to climb. The summer sun invites a day at the beach building sand castles and acquiring sand in interesting places.

When I think of summer I think about the movie "The Sandlot" and the freedom of being a child and living free caring only about getting a baseball back and trying to beat the rival team. I think of camping with my family, time at the beach, running barefoot and playing volleyball in our yard till my arms hurt. I think of the fireflies that dance through the trees. I think of a breath of fresh air from the cold hand of winter. That's summer to me.

unwelcomed friend

When one goes into the bathroom, one does not anticipate finding little visitors. This little guy is called a Silver Fish, though he is neither silver or a fish. Apparently he came out of my pipes...

Crash

With my media fast the only movies I watch have to be for class and serve a function in that way. On Tuesday when I walked into my Multicultural Counseling class our professor informed us we were going to watch "Crash". If you have not seen this movie...Watch it. But don't watch it just to have an entertaining evening. This movie will blow you away.

It deals with racism, prejudice, and the ignorance of our society; and with in us. The movie was well crafted, brilliant, and full of irony. I laughed, I almost cried, I was touched, I was angry, and I could understand.

For all the College students with whom I work...Don't break the movie policy. But when you can, watch this movie.

Movies like this have the power to change us, challenge us, and help us see ourselves differently. Watch this movie with open eyes and an open heart. If you have seen this movie I would love to hear how you felt about it.

Spring Break

Ok...here are some highlights from Spring Break. Order is based on nothing

1. One of my contacts got washed down the drain by an unnamed individual we stayed with. So I had to have a new one made and over nighted down to me.

2. Fifa wake up call

3. Jazzy...you would have to see her understand

4. Eucher with the girls...anything is allowed after 11:30 ;)

5. Andrew and firecrackers

6. An afternoon of crochet

7. Matt sneaking out of the house...because he could.

8. Justin's sweet tea.

9. Outback...Katie finally got to go!

10. The day we hiked.

On top of a rock

I find myself speechless at key moments in my life. Times when I want to say something perfect. I want words that describe my inner thoughts and feelings and be able to beautifully articulate them to the world around me. I sometimes focus too much on this and miss the beauty of silence.

I sat in North Carolina on top of a rock and found myself speechless. Words would have seemed empty to describe the peace and joy my soul felt surveying God's beauty. The grace of the eagles flight, the ripples of the earth perfectly formed to peak and ebb away. My companions also felt the spell of beauty and we found contentment in sitting on top of the rock in the afternoon sun soaking in the view with out talking. I found my soul sang a song I did not know it knew.

The Crazy life

Sometimes it is hard to know what to write here, on this single space which I can call mine. Because somethings in my life are hard to articulate in ways that make sense. How do you explain the joy of learning about someone you never knew. Yet I will never forget the borrowed memories I now have. I play my relatives words over and over in my mind willing myself to capture it forever in my brain...Longing for a connection to someone I should have known and loved.

How do you write about the heart ache of loving someone you never knew? How do you explain to people that you feel a hole in your life knowing that person was never a part of your world and yet everyone else you love had that privilege?

How do you write about carrying other's burdens? Watching tears of pain trickle down their face? Words come to my lips to reply only to look in their face and know my support should be through silence, allowing them to live in their pain.

All of these things I lay at God's feet. I wrestle with them for a bit, grow weary and tired and then surrender them. I willingly give them to God knowing only He can heal my heart of sorrow, only He can carry my loved one's pain.

I think of the song lyrics that say, " Laugh so you don't cry". Laugh...But what is wrong with crying? Maybe we need a time of grief...A time to accept the pain and not deny it.

Today one of my RA's asked me if I was living the crazy life. I laughed and said no but I was working on it. Maybe my answer should have been yes.

The open wound

We always strive to have control. And what a mess of our lives we have made. We have believed the lies of this world that we need to be strong, stand on our own, and guard our selves. Yet in doing this we isolate the very Love that can heal us. We guard our wounds so close turning away every hand that tries to help, missing the nail piercing.

Wrapped up in our selves we grieve our life, we live in fear of rejection and live in our pain and sorrows from the past. We are unwilling to allow people to forgive us or give people the chance to prove us wrong. We don't trust people with our deepest parts because we do not even trust ourselves. The worst part is in not being able to let go and actually forgive ourselves.

We cry out to God for healing or forgiveness but have missed His gift of Grace because we still listen to Satan's lies. We chase after God but do not hide his words of truth in our hearts. We prostitute ourselves out to the world wonder where God is.

Run to God. Believe God. Trust God. Live for God. Find his still small voice and never let go. There are always times of hardship and hurt, times of silence and doubt, but if God is your firm foundation then you will drink from the fountain of peace. You will open up your life and see that the wound you have been trying to fix can only be healed when it is revealed...When it is shared. When you can cry with someone who loves you and grieve the lost together, and allow God to use it for good in your life.

Domestic Goddess

I think I have finally arrived. I use to loath kitchen duties, washing clothes? Yuck. Doing my hair or make-up...Now you are just asking too much! Wait...Who was that? She is now a simply memory of me, the girl who thought she couldn't express her feminine side. The side was always there...She simply despised it. She thought it hindered her from living, from competing, from winning. Funny how sometimes the things we run from end up being the key to what we need.

I look back on my life and am awed by the road that God has brought me down. The blessings He has given me, the relationships I am blessed to have, and the desires of my heart that God has granted me. People sometimes ask the question, "If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?" I answer... "Nothing" I can't live looking back with regret but simply see the ways God was forming my life. Now is the time that I am discovering the girl God wants me to be and I am embracing it.

So yes...I do enjoy cooking, cleaning, and dressing up. I do my make-up and hair. I also will be one of the strongest competitors you might play up against given the right sport and I might even leave dead animals on your car :)

Wrestling with God

...MediaFast Journal excerpt...

Friday January 20, 2006:
...I sit on a Friday night in my apartment…alone, studying, and enjoying silence. Part of me longs to pop in a good movie, pop some popcorn and relax with something distracting… yet what does this achieve? It is still a Friday night alone but instead of doing something constructive I am only distracting myself. ...

It would be nice to have a movie “reward” after studying some nights. It would be nice to turn my mind off and allow the media to dictate what I will hope for and believe. That’s an easy choice. But I look back at the last 5 months of my life and see the way that God has shown up in my life in a real way. I talk to Him all the time. I run to Him first instead of picking up the phone to call and friend and then spend time lamenting that they are not answering. I have learned that to seek to live a certain way is fine but there comes the day when you choose to live like that instead of hoping it will happen. ...

Do I worship what I watch? Have I let in an unseen enemy in my back door, while waiting for someone to break down the front door? I have successfully given up something I thought I could not live with out. ... The things we cling to and see as important are the things God has to wrestle from us for us to see that they mean nothing. Only being broken, living in freedom, and chasing after God is what matters in life.

Being an RD

Life can be rough as an RD...
1. Part of your job includes going out to dinner with people
2. Hanging out with College students who make you laugh
3. Free housing
4. Meeting with people to talk about life in meaningful ways
The list could go on....but you all know I LOVE my job!! :)

Here are some pictures....

My ARD and I...That's her, "we spent too much money at Bravo's" look


Me and Shawna :)

Indulge yourself

One fact about the American Culture has become very clear, we like to indulge ourselves. Taking only what we need it not good enough, we always need more. This is true of the food we eat, the clothes we buy, and the movies we watch. The thirst for adorning ourselves with our hearts desires fills and consumes our lives. If something tastes good but we aren't really hungry for anymore why not enjoy a second helping even if we will feel sick afterwards? If we are shopping and see a cute pair of jeans we buy them even though we have 5 more at home. Movies need to show more nakedness, more violence, and have sly plots with twists and turns because the movie has to be better then the last one we watched.

Our thirst for more will never be quenched. Partly because we are serving ourselves and because we have allowed our culture to blindly feed us this poison with open mouths and eager lips. We are like Edmund from the Lion and The Witch and the Wardrobe. Oh how the Turkish delights fill us with joy and like dogs keeps us wanted more even if that means returning to our own vomit. Let not Satan keep us bound and tied, do not allow him to pacify the Lord's will for our lives. Live with less and discover how that is more.