The little details

I know that I just put a new blog up two days ago...but when things come to me I just need to write.

I sat today during the college's Baccalaureate service and started to think about the Bible, the old testament to be exact. I am reading through the Bible in a year and my year long Bible has just finished the story of Gideon. Something in my head asked me what it is really about. What does it mean to me? I sat thinking about this pondering all that I have learned and all that I know. But to me the answer was simple. The Bible is what God does in imperfect people.

We always wonder and speculate about the little details of a person's life. We get a glimpse, one or two snap shots of this person or people. We see their lack of faith, their willingness or lack of willingness to follow God, and how God uses them were they are. I started thinking about how my life would be described by the Bible.

The little details of my life would be omitted. No one would know that I fell down the stairs at a young age and chipped my front two baby teeth. No one would know that I use to make up stories and songs to my little hearts content as a little girl. No one would know about the pets I loved, the books I read, or the music I have played.

This communicates what God has been whispering in my soul this year. It is not about me, but about HIM. It is HIS plan for my life. It is all for HIS glory, not mine. I am the imperfect vessel of which HIS hand has made. HIS breath has made living, and HIS son has redeemed. I am part of HIS bigger plan. God cares about the details of my life but is not consumed with them.

My story in Biblical form would be about a girl who didn't trust God. A girl who doubted God. A girl who was scared of God. A girl who was redeemed and restored. A girl who loves God.

That time

Summer is such a magical time of year. Something takes over for those precious three to four months of the year. Freedom seems to be whispered in the trees. Life seems right for no reason at all. We laugh and play as children running barefoot through the cool grass. The trees beckon us with their branches longing for us to climb. The summer sun invites a day at the beach building sand castles and acquiring sand in interesting places.

When I think of summer I think about the movie "The Sandlot" and the freedom of being a child and living free caring only about getting a baseball back and trying to beat the rival team. I think of camping with my family, time at the beach, running barefoot and playing volleyball in our yard till my arms hurt. I think of the fireflies that dance through the trees. I think of a breath of fresh air from the cold hand of winter. That's summer to me.

unwelcomed friend

When one goes into the bathroom, one does not anticipate finding little visitors. This little guy is called a Silver Fish, though he is neither silver or a fish. Apparently he came out of my pipes...

Crash

With my media fast the only movies I watch have to be for class and serve a function in that way. On Tuesday when I walked into my Multicultural Counseling class our professor informed us we were going to watch "Crash". If you have not seen this movie...Watch it. But don't watch it just to have an entertaining evening. This movie will blow you away.

It deals with racism, prejudice, and the ignorance of our society; and with in us. The movie was well crafted, brilliant, and full of irony. I laughed, I almost cried, I was touched, I was angry, and I could understand.

For all the College students with whom I work...Don't break the movie policy. But when you can, watch this movie.

Movies like this have the power to change us, challenge us, and help us see ourselves differently. Watch this movie with open eyes and an open heart. If you have seen this movie I would love to hear how you felt about it.

Spring Break

Ok...here are some highlights from Spring Break. Order is based on nothing

1. One of my contacts got washed down the drain by an unnamed individual we stayed with. So I had to have a new one made and over nighted down to me.

2. Fifa wake up call

3. Jazzy...you would have to see her understand

4. Eucher with the girls...anything is allowed after 11:30 ;)

5. Andrew and firecrackers

6. An afternoon of crochet

7. Matt sneaking out of the house...because he could.

8. Justin's sweet tea.

9. Outback...Katie finally got to go!

10. The day we hiked.

On top of a rock

I find myself speechless at key moments in my life. Times when I want to say something perfect. I want words that describe my inner thoughts and feelings and be able to beautifully articulate them to the world around me. I sometimes focus too much on this and miss the beauty of silence.

I sat in North Carolina on top of a rock and found myself speechless. Words would have seemed empty to describe the peace and joy my soul felt surveying God's beauty. The grace of the eagles flight, the ripples of the earth perfectly formed to peak and ebb away. My companions also felt the spell of beauty and we found contentment in sitting on top of the rock in the afternoon sun soaking in the view with out talking. I found my soul sang a song I did not know it knew.

The Crazy life

Sometimes it is hard to know what to write here, on this single space which I can call mine. Because somethings in my life are hard to articulate in ways that make sense. How do you explain the joy of learning about someone you never knew. Yet I will never forget the borrowed memories I now have. I play my relatives words over and over in my mind willing myself to capture it forever in my brain...Longing for a connection to someone I should have known and loved.

How do you write about the heart ache of loving someone you never knew? How do you explain to people that you feel a hole in your life knowing that person was never a part of your world and yet everyone else you love had that privilege?

How do you write about carrying other's burdens? Watching tears of pain trickle down their face? Words come to my lips to reply only to look in their face and know my support should be through silence, allowing them to live in their pain.

All of these things I lay at God's feet. I wrestle with them for a bit, grow weary and tired and then surrender them. I willingly give them to God knowing only He can heal my heart of sorrow, only He can carry my loved one's pain.

I think of the song lyrics that say, " Laugh so you don't cry". Laugh...But what is wrong with crying? Maybe we need a time of grief...A time to accept the pain and not deny it.

Today one of my RA's asked me if I was living the crazy life. I laughed and said no but I was working on it. Maybe my answer should have been yes.

The open wound

We always strive to have control. And what a mess of our lives we have made. We have believed the lies of this world that we need to be strong, stand on our own, and guard our selves. Yet in doing this we isolate the very Love that can heal us. We guard our wounds so close turning away every hand that tries to help, missing the nail piercing.

Wrapped up in our selves we grieve our life, we live in fear of rejection and live in our pain and sorrows from the past. We are unwilling to allow people to forgive us or give people the chance to prove us wrong. We don't trust people with our deepest parts because we do not even trust ourselves. The worst part is in not being able to let go and actually forgive ourselves.

We cry out to God for healing or forgiveness but have missed His gift of Grace because we still listen to Satan's lies. We chase after God but do not hide his words of truth in our hearts. We prostitute ourselves out to the world wonder where God is.

Run to God. Believe God. Trust God. Live for God. Find his still small voice and never let go. There are always times of hardship and hurt, times of silence and doubt, but if God is your firm foundation then you will drink from the fountain of peace. You will open up your life and see that the wound you have been trying to fix can only be healed when it is revealed...When it is shared. When you can cry with someone who loves you and grieve the lost together, and allow God to use it for good in your life.

Domestic Goddess

I think I have finally arrived. I use to loath kitchen duties, washing clothes? Yuck. Doing my hair or make-up...Now you are just asking too much! Wait...Who was that? She is now a simply memory of me, the girl who thought she couldn't express her feminine side. The side was always there...She simply despised it. She thought it hindered her from living, from competing, from winning. Funny how sometimes the things we run from end up being the key to what we need.

I look back on my life and am awed by the road that God has brought me down. The blessings He has given me, the relationships I am blessed to have, and the desires of my heart that God has granted me. People sometimes ask the question, "If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?" I answer... "Nothing" I can't live looking back with regret but simply see the ways God was forming my life. Now is the time that I am discovering the girl God wants me to be and I am embracing it.

So yes...I do enjoy cooking, cleaning, and dressing up. I do my make-up and hair. I also will be one of the strongest competitors you might play up against given the right sport and I might even leave dead animals on your car :)

Wrestling with God

...MediaFast Journal excerpt...

Friday January 20, 2006:
...I sit on a Friday night in my apartment…alone, studying, and enjoying silence. Part of me longs to pop in a good movie, pop some popcorn and relax with something distracting… yet what does this achieve? It is still a Friday night alone but instead of doing something constructive I am only distracting myself. ...

It would be nice to have a movie “reward” after studying some nights. It would be nice to turn my mind off and allow the media to dictate what I will hope for and believe. That’s an easy choice. But I look back at the last 5 months of my life and see the way that God has shown up in my life in a real way. I talk to Him all the time. I run to Him first instead of picking up the phone to call and friend and then spend time lamenting that they are not answering. I have learned that to seek to live a certain way is fine but there comes the day when you choose to live like that instead of hoping it will happen. ...

Do I worship what I watch? Have I let in an unseen enemy in my back door, while waiting for someone to break down the front door? I have successfully given up something I thought I could not live with out. ... The things we cling to and see as important are the things God has to wrestle from us for us to see that they mean nothing. Only being broken, living in freedom, and chasing after God is what matters in life.

Being an RD

Life can be rough as an RD...
1. Part of your job includes going out to dinner with people
2. Hanging out with College students who make you laugh
3. Free housing
4. Meeting with people to talk about life in meaningful ways
The list could go on....but you all know I LOVE my job!! :)

Here are some pictures....

My ARD and I...That's her, "we spent too much money at Bravo's" look


Me and Shawna :)

Indulge yourself

One fact about the American Culture has become very clear, we like to indulge ourselves. Taking only what we need it not good enough, we always need more. This is true of the food we eat, the clothes we buy, and the movies we watch. The thirst for adorning ourselves with our hearts desires fills and consumes our lives. If something tastes good but we aren't really hungry for anymore why not enjoy a second helping even if we will feel sick afterwards? If we are shopping and see a cute pair of jeans we buy them even though we have 5 more at home. Movies need to show more nakedness, more violence, and have sly plots with twists and turns because the movie has to be better then the last one we watched.

Our thirst for more will never be quenched. Partly because we are serving ourselves and because we have allowed our culture to blindly feed us this poison with open mouths and eager lips. We are like Edmund from the Lion and The Witch and the Wardrobe. Oh how the Turkish delights fill us with joy and like dogs keeps us wanted more even if that means returning to our own vomit. Let not Satan keep us bound and tied, do not allow him to pacify the Lord's will for our lives. Live with less and discover how that is more.

Peace

The hustle and bustle of the Holiday season sometimes can feel overwhelming. A rush of emotions at seeing loved ones, cherished friends, and constatntly be around people. Yet do we still take time to really rest in HIM during this season? Do we take a deep breath of air and allow God a moment?

Get away...take a walk...seek God and you will find Him. Take a nap, study a favorite scripture, play the guitar. Seek God in a way that allows you to connect with Him and discover the Peace that only He can fill you with.

Why

Questioning God always comes during life's tragedies. The church prays, someone dies anyway, and people are left with a choice. Lean on God or push Him away. People get upset and don't understand why God allows bad things to happen to Christians. We miss the point.

Becoming a Christian is not the golden ticket to a life of no problems. As my mentor told me, it is our opportunity to respond differently then people who do not have the hope of Christ. God tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us, we have poems written about God carrying us during the hard times in our life, and still people reject God.

If we can not model Christ even through our times of sorrow how then are we truly different then people with out Him? We live in a fallen world, life happens, God is big enough. God is capable to do exceedingly more then we could ever imagine. But sometimes life is like this third day song...

" I can't stop the rain from fallen down on you again, but I will hold you till it goes away."

God allows us to go through hard times, but He is always with us.

Elizabeth Elliot said it like this...
Â… Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. ... The love of God did not protect His own Son. ... He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.

Snowed in

Saturday morning I arose, took a shower, got ready, and was patting myself on my back for being ready early. I had just enough time to brush off and warm my car up, drop a book off at the office, and go pick up my sister by 9:30. I opened my door to find this....

I stood in shock for a second and then started laughing, went to my second door and found the same thing. I sheepishly called one of my fellow RD's asking if they had a shovel and if they could come get me out.

Yeah...not going to jump over this one :)

Jones house lives :)

Jones house...Where the men flock like the fish of Capastromie (sp?...dumb and dumber quote modified)



Well the Jones house girls got together this weekend. I know you are all jealous, because a fun time is ALWAYS had by all when we get together!

The Christmas Season

At the center of our home, this time of year, is our Christmas tree. Each ornament has a story and a Christmas when it became part of the family. I smiled as I unwrapped the newer ornaments, they are the easiest ones to forget about. I lovingly unwrap each box. I look at the tree and decide what branch will be the perfect spot for this year. I smile at the memory of each Christmas the ornaments remind me of. A warmth filled my heart as the Christmas music continually played from the dining room. I watched the lights dance on the ornaments making them sparkle and dazzle. The soft glow of the lights made me wish for a fire place with some warm tea, a blanket, and good book.

Home

Sometimes you just miss the ones you love, the ones you lost, and the ones still to come.

I sit in my apartment working on last minute projects. The washing machine humming, my itunes singing, and my heart aching for home. Four months, this is definatly the longest time away for me. I miss my family "in the state up North" as some Ohio State fans might refer to it.
I can't wait to drive back home tomorrow, inhale deeply of my house, and play with my pets. My parents and I will have game nights everynight,I will get to spend time with the fun Wallinga Clan on Turkey day, I will go shopping on Friday morning :), and on Sunday I will return South.
I am thankful for the opportunities God has blessed me with this year. I am thankful for my family here in Indiana helping me feel at home. I am thankful for the amazing women I meet with every Thursday. I am thankful God is patient and loving. I am thankful God loves me so much He won't let me stay where I am but continues to call me to a place of obediance and trust.

The societal question of why and the fragile heart

Why do good girls go after bad boys? This question has long been debated. After some very good discussions and allowing things to percolate (that's for you George!) in my brain for a while I have come to some conclusion. Disclaimer: I am not bitter, I just find this interesting...

Good girls like bad boys perhaps because of the thrill or because they do not see them selves as being worth much. It is easier to like someone who might like you and then leave you allowing yourself to continually feel like crap. If a girl does not like herself why would she pursue relationships with amazing guys...she does not feel as though she measures up. Then you have a girl who takes a risk only to be told "you are a beautiful person" (guys don't ever say that...in girl world it means, "your fat and or ugly")

On the same hand why do guys typically go after the girls who are size 3 or smaller, have blond hair, and seems sort of ditzy? (Yes I'm making a stereotype!) perhaps good girls also run to the bad boys because they might not care as much if she is not supper skinny and ditzy. I am not totally sure why guys generally go for the skinny girls other then the mass media messages.

Are we all just scared of taking risks? Of loving someone and then having them walk away from us? Why do guys not pursue with abandon and girls not allow themselves to be loved?

So where do you fall in this? Do you agree with me? If not I would love to hear what you think!

Chicago, Willow, and Me

Well...I use to think I would like to live in a city for a little while, and perhaps some day that might still happen. But I would like to emphasize that I said I USE to think about living in a city. I went on my staff retreat this weekend to Chicago. There I realized some things about myself.
1. I am a hick! I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but
it is true!
2. I love nature! Not sure I would enjoy running on the streets of
Chicago having grown up running in the country.
3. I am an introvert. This one might shock some of you as well, but I
was pretty overwhelmed the entire time and just wanted to go sit out by
the lake or meander through a museum.
4. I don't jump on banwagons. We went to Willow Creek for church (if
you want more details ask me) but I was not completely sold on becoming
a full time attender if I lived there.

So I guess some day you might find me still living in the country running on open roads, being able to go horse back riding, and growing a nice vegetable garden...but God willing you won't find me living in a big city!

p.s. Chicago is a very nice city, so it is nothing personal against Chicago...which I will be visiting again in a couple weeks :)