International Women's Day

March 8th is International Women's Day...for those who don't know. This being the first time I have celebrated this holiday I wasn't sure what to expect or plan. One of the ladies I worked with invited 8 of us over to her house this morning and her husband made us breakfast. It was a lovely time of good food, fellowship, and delightful conversation. It felt good to laugh with other women and be a part of good fellowship. The other ladies were from India, Scotland, South Africa, UK, USA, and another South Asian country (I didn't have a chance to find out). I learned a few things this morning too. One of them being that I have been spending too much time with Australians and New Zealanders...someone asked me about one of the pastries and I said it was very nice (not that it was good or delicious...nice). Second I learned that some people think Americans ask too many questions. We are on a hunt for information, which I realized is true.

When asked about this (to the person who said it) they said they didn't want to feel as though they were being grilled for information...and they don't want to be asked personal questions right away, save those for the second or third time you spend time together. I also learned Brit's don't like having conversations early in the morning or to be asked questions early. I feel that this explains why I don't mind a lack of conversation in the morning...my British roots are coming out! Before we left we each were given an Orchid ( I was quite delighted). They only cost about 1.50-2.00 here which is crazy! So now I have to learn how to take care of my plant!! I have included a couple pictures...


The rest of the day was spent looking at plants with Kristin (my boss) who wanted some for her house. I enjoyed every moment being surrounded by life! I also had to laugh because there are no Greenhouses here...it is a natural Greenhouse here! I then went and picked up the pants I was having made in the market, bought a movie ( Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief), bought some fresh Mango Cheese cake and headed home. I sat and ate my wonderful Cheesecake while I watched my movie. I don't think holiday's can get much better then this. I found myself enjoying my time here and was glad I could be with the ladies this morning and even in my house later today.

Speaking and Friends

Learning a language is like eating something new. I find these strange words in my mouth and I am not sure how they taste. Some of it is smooth and sweet on my lips, others are harder to swallow. My mind isn’t sure what to do with some of the rough edges as I try to chew on it…thinking through every bite. Yet when I do eat some of this new cuisine I find that it fills me with confidence and independence. True some of the things others try to feed me fall out of their mouth and never reach me; like watching food fall out of someone’s mouth. Sorry, I don’t have any idea what you are talking about…at all, but if you would like to keep repeating it to me that is up to you. (knowing they might not understand my English if I said this to them).

In the complexities of learning a language and not being able to communicate I have found that we do find a way to be heard with each other. If it is pulling out money so I know how much they are asking, waving your hand or arms to indicate going forward (it is rude to point with one finger)…thank the good Lord for non-verbal. Well I am off to eat more alphabet soup so I can try using these strange new words when I meet with people. Part of what keeps me going in all of this is the hope of knowing that I do know sentences, can ask simple questions, and express myself…just slowly :)

Also last week I had a friend here! She was passing through on her way to a conference and we were able to meet up for lunch! It was very random but so great to see her. I was worried it might make me more homesick but I found it very encouraging and great to be able to see her and spend a few short hours together. Here is a picture of us at the restaurant.

Walking down the stairs...

Let me share a little bit about living in my house. My room is nice, though when I come in from outside I feel that I am entering a cave due to lack of sufficient light. It is nice for when I sleep because it is nice and dark :)plus if I keep my door closed my room stays nice and cool after I turn my Air Con off. Air Con is what they say here for Air Conditioner and I like the shortened version better.

To get to my room I have to go up stairs, which isn’t something new. I grew up in a house with more stairs but there is one small difference…no carpet and the steps are taller/steeper. Thus as I start to bound up the stairs, as I would at my parents, I have visions of my foot slipping and face planting into the concrete. I imagine trying to put my hands out to stop my face, my knee coming down hard and having to limp around for a couple days.

Now take all of that and let me share about the lights in the house. You turn on the switch, nothing, oh wait it flickers on and then back off. Nothing, oh…second time flickering, a bit more on and off like a strobe light…and then success!! The light is now on. Great process when you turn on the light to walk down the stairs...Never mind that I feel I am in a cheap horror film and close my eyes so I don’t feel ill from the strobe light effect. With each step I pray that I don't face plant and fall down the stairs. I think a video is appropriate for this post :)

Teams, Moto's, and T-shirts

I survived the Cholera outbreak of 2010. But maybe I should wait a few more days to say that. The team kept having people sick, start to dehydrate, go to the clinic for fluids and antibiotics, and then someone else would come down with it. Today as I was with the two members of the team who couldn’t fly out (one was sick and the other was taking care of her) we learned that their symptoms are those of Cholera. Don’t worry I have my fingers crossed that I won’t get it  Sadly with the team gone this means no more Banana Grams, begging Erica to do her Hip Hop moves, or calling Nia Nina. I had so much fun with these women and am sad they have to leave. I told them that they have set the bar high for the next team that will come.

On a lighter note I found a T-shirt and helmet I should buy (note my sarcasm). These things made me laugh…The T-shirt said “I’m the single Friend” and the helmet had a picture of a person and it says “Don’t kiss me.” Also I got in a small fender bender but thankfully the fender was not bend and no one was hurt. My Moto driver re-ended someone else, which seemed a common occurrence as we did not stop and the girl he hit did not seem too concerned. Mind you he did ask me if I was ok a couple minutes later…I should have asked if the ride was free.

No pictures this time around...not sure what else to post. Any suggestions?

Joy

Things that have brought me joy in the last week...
1. Woman sitting on four bags of rice on a Moto...she was the passenger
2. Hearing words in Kymer and understanding them!
3. Sitting and watching The Office with one of my new friends
4. Getting on a Moto and telling him where I needed to go, thinking to myself...I am getting on a Moto with a guy I don't know, this goes against everything my mother taught me!
5. Playing basketball with woman from different countries, laughing while playing and enjoying the fact that these women are serious about this game even if they aren’t that good. (I'm a bit rusty but only one of 3 Americans that are currently playing...but my 3 point shot is still money!)
6. Learning that in every moment that I choose to trust God and let go He is waiting for me to find rest.
7. Learning that all children collect bugs and are fascinated by fireflies.
8. Praise and worship at Bible Study
9. Finding that in the moments I need God the most He is here.
10. Realizing that I feel confident in this new city.

Here are pictures of the market near my house, a view of my street from our balcony, and people setting up for a wedding...tis the season here.





I don't know if I already talked about weddings but here is some information. Weddings here usually last for a couple days and they will set the tent up in the middle of the street, no permit needed. They also do this for funerals. You can tell the difference by the colors on the tent. They also hang silver spray painted banana's at the entrance to the tent. People here also get very dressed up and look so pretty for these parties. They have singing and dancing which sometimes can last for days. Thankfully they tone it down in the city and stop the music at night...even though it starts up again at 6am.

Night Market

Sunday night (Sunday Morning for you)I went to the Night Market here in Phnom Penh. The night market is down by the river front and is exactly what it sounds like, a market at night :) There is a city square which people set up their booths all around the inside. The booths run mostly along the edge of the square and a few rows in. At the center of the square is a stage set up with singing and some comedy/acting which Kunthea (pronounced koon te-a...who is a Cambodian, said was not funny). At the front or start of the market is a big area where food is set up. These booths also run along the outer rim of the square and make up the food court for the market (or P'za in Khmer for market). Here is the parking area and a picture of some of the booths. You go to the different food booths and pick which one you want to eat from one of them (they all have about the same food). After selecting what you want ayou go to the eating area for that booth. The eating area is all woven mats on the ground and you take your shoes off to sit on the ground. They bring your food out and a drink lady comes over to see what you want. They have different kinds of juice such as soy and sugar cane. The Sugar cane juice is pretty good and fun to watch them make. They take and crush the whole stalk through a machine a couple of times and as it goes through the juice gets pressed out. I was quite fascinated as I watched :)Here is some of the food and where we sat to eat. The food was very good! I am eating some deep fried shrimp. Once we finished eating we walked through the market, listened to the music (which the people were lip syncing to) and then headed to an ice cream (ca-reme) place for desert. It was a lot of fun being out in the city and just being with the Cambodia's. Ra and Kunthea explained things to me and Cath (who is from New Zealand)as we had questions. It was a very cool experience. Tons of people were out and as I was told most people are out on the weekend nights down by the river walking around or sitting in small groups chatting. There were even guys going around selling light up toys and other paraphernalia that you would see at a fair in the evenings. Here is a video of some of the singing...

Learning a new language

What should I be doing right now? I should be writing down my sentences for Ra in Khmer, but I am not. I am pretty sure my brain is going to explode. It seems to be a steady increase in cranial pressure as I sit and feel like the dumbest person. I don’t understand what they are saying…they speak to me only in Khmer. Sure I recognize the words (well some of them). But then after hearing them I need to translate them into English and I have a list of over 50 words and phrases at this point. Then I look at my teacher and see they are waiting for me to respond but I have forgotten everything…there seems to be a small leak in my brain. Which might mean my head won’t explode but I should maybe get the leak checked out.

To make matters worse I feel like all my Spanish keeps sneaking up on me…and I don’t know that much! I want to pronounce things using Spanish inflections and Khmer is not even close! I know that over time it will get better and I remember the phrases I have to use…but at 4 in the afternoon I just can’t seem to wrap my head around this stuff. Two more days at this time and then I think I am going to switch to an earlier time. I am hoping to post more tomorrow about my Night Market experience and other things I have done this week.

weekend adventures

The good news is that even though I am missing home I still have been making myself go out and do things. I really want to enjoy my time here. Even with going out I am still taking time to be by myself and last night I even wrote, colored, and typed out my thoughts :)I felt much better getting my thoughts and emotions out! Part of the fun of living in a house with people is having a whole house full of people to do things with. In the morning Ra took me to get my new helmet so I don't have to worry about my head should I fall off a moto. Though with the way people drive around here I might want to wear it when I walk ;)

We decided to go out for pizza last night, all 6 of us. So 3 people offered to drive their moto's and we were off. I should say that as much as I enjoy riding on a Moto, riding at night is a whole different animal. I feared for my life most of the ride, not because of my driver but because of everyone else. I thought maybe if I didn't look it would be better. If I don't see someone coming to hit my legs or arms it will hurt less right? Yet the longer I rode I did have a chance to relax a bit (and when we were at stop lights, which count down how long you have to wait). At the stop lights I felt a rush of excitement as more Moto's would join the group of us (after weaving through the cars and other transportation). To hear the hum of the engine waiting, rumbling, gearing up as the number count down, and the rush of pulling forward with the wave of noise. To be part of a pack of crazy drivers but knowing that in that moment we are all going to move in the same direction and we are going to make it. I decided that is what it feels like to be part of a Motorcycle ride and can see why people enjoy doing it.



Pizza here was good, not like in the states, but good. We had Canadian Bacon and Barbecue Chicken with cheese crust. It is a thinner crust and tastes almost like a croissant in some ways but isn't flaky. No tomato sauce for these pizza's but still very tasty. Today I had breakfast (Banana Pancakes, which made me think of Jack Johnson and they were soooo good) with my supervisor Kristin. After breakfast she was sweet enough to take me to a few stores for things I needed, which ended in the Market where I am having sheets made for my bed. It is crazy to me and also very cool. You go and pick out your fabric and then go to a Taylor and explain what you want. We took a fitted sheet with us so they know how we wanted it made and what size it needed to be. I also got a DVD for 1.50, which is also crazy to me. It is a pirated copy but that is the only kind I can get here. They even sell entire seasons for shows and you still only pay 1.50 per DVD and can sometimes bargain with them on that(Lost, House, Band of Brothers, 30 Rock, you name it they have it). What DVD did I get? Bride Wars :) I was watching my copy of The Princess Diaries 2 yesterday ( you can judge me all you want, the movie is funny and very good. It makes me think of Marion and living with Aletheia) and realized I really like Anne Hathaway and thought it might be a fun movie to watch as I am thinking about home.

After eating some lunch...fresh papaya and mango as a side :) I went to another work out place and think that if I can I would like to get a membership. I ran for 30 mins and then took a dip in the pool before sitting out and reading a book, it was such good medicine for my heart and soul. I felt that I could relax and find comfort even in this new city. The adventure was riding a Tuk-tuk home! I was excited about this because it was my first time and I even used my Khmer words to give directions on how to find my house! I know you are all so proud :) Tonight is dinner at the house and playing games, it really does help to have things to do. Tomorrow I will check out another church and be picking up my new sheets at the market.

Home

Well I was going to give myself a couple weeks but it hit me pretty hard this morning. I miss home...home being the people I love, the places I am use to going, and the things I could count on. Thankfully I am not seeing this as Cambodia's fault or am upset with anything here. I am just sad. I have cried many tears, some which my parents saw on Skype this morning, and I'm sure more to come. I just keep hoping no one asks how I am doing because that seems to be when the flood gates open. It doesn't help that I have not been getting good sleep as I am still adjusting or that my body has decided to feel sick the last few days (crazy body, all my past traveling and yet it NOW decides to act up). It really does help to know people are praying for me but I just want someone I know to show up and give me a big hug. But I don't think that will be happening today.

So I accept that I am sad. Nothing more and nothing less. If I cry more today I will cry more. I know it will pass but in the mean time I am trying to occupy my time as I am still being shown the ropes and do not yet have any type of responsibilities or much to do. I am doing my language study but that is only about an hour a day plus the time I spend going over it. I am at my office now to start getting in the habit of coming here but who knows...maybe that won't even be everyday :) Which is fine, I just wish I had a bit more of the details at the moment...but maybe that is what I am suppose to be looking at in my life. How comfortable am I with just "being"? Why does my comfort level have to be based on what I am accomplishing or doing? Why is purpose defined by actions? or lack of actions? Well I have plenty of time to think about them...but I should be looking over my language study:)I have a whole new level of respect for people who learn languages...so many high hopes and yet so much vocabulary and grammar to learn!!

My new house

I thought I would take some time to describe my new home. The set up of the house is similar to a townhouse, tall and skinny (three to one building)but deep. All the houses have a fence gate.

Once inside the gate there is a small court yard type place where people park their moto's, bikes, or cars. You take your shoes off as you enter the doors and all the doors and windows have metal bars covering them (which you will see from the pictures). I am trying not to think I am in prison but at times I wish they didn't cover everything. On the first floor is a living room, kitchen table with chairs, a bedroom and the kitchen.





Before the Kitchen are the stairs, narrow and very unforgiving if you miss a step (not that I have but I really hope I never do) Everything is cement, tile, metal, and glass. The furniture is mostly wicker (which I can't say I really enjoy sitting in for long periods of time) but I know I will adjust. This seems to be the land of the Papasan. Here are some pictures of my Bedroom. My room has a large window but it overlooks the first living room and the side window has a nice view of the house next door. I am hoping to get some better lighting to help brighten the place up.



The floor my room is on is called the mezzanine floor and another woman has a room across the stairs from me. On the second floor is the next living room, another bedroom, and an office type area. This is also where we go to hang out laundry outside to dry, and were we sit to use the Internet. In the picture of the living room look at the back right corner...that is where I sit when I am on-line.


The third floor is a copy of my floor with just two bedrooms and then the stairs lead to the roof. Ra showed me how to get up there and he has a chair up there to sit in sometimes. It gives a lovely view of the area and a wonderful breeze :)Our street is kind of noisy because it goes through to a main road and has become much busier, I have been told, in the last few months. I am only 7 blocks from my Office, 2 blocks from the market, and about 5 blocks from my language school. So I walk everywhere (yes alone :) it is safe during the day). But here the size of your mode of transportation is what matters so I have to watch all the time as I walk around. The Cambodians also keep coming up and saying, "tuk tuk?" or "Moto?" They don't walk anywhere and can't imagine that I would want to walk either :) This makes me smile as I walk knowing I seem like an odd duck to them.

Markets and Stores

Today has been quite the day. I was feeling kind of down today, it seems overwhelming to have to start all over with building relationships here. I am optimistic but my little Introvert needed some time to process this. I also realized I want to get started and jump into things and right now I have to wait. So I did my own thing most of the morning and had a chance to chat with one of the people living in my house. His name is Ra and he teaches English and is going to school. It was nice to have a chance to chat a little bit. After lunch Judith was around and she took me to a mall where they have a grocery store.

The choice to go to the store was made after Judith listened to my list and told me what things are cheaper at the market and they usually just go and buy it the same day when they need it (the market is 2 blocks from my house, very easy to walk to). Now, how does one get around in Cambodia? Good question! They have bikes called Moto's, cars, and regular bikes. Judith had a Moto so after donning our helmets we were off. Thanks to my brother-in-law I have ridden a motorcycle so I was familiar with sitting on the back of a bike and not having to hold on. Granted some of the streets were missing sections or had big pot holes, but I'm proud to say I didn't scream and grab onto Judith but simple put my hand up on her shoulder for a moment of security. The street laws are a little bit different here. With the "street rules" as I will call them it is very simple: you go until you can't go anymore...meaning if you are turning left and that means crossing traffic you turn and drive in the wrong lane facing oncoming traffic until you get over. This also means "Michigan Stops" at most every corner, pulling out in front of people to cross a street, etc. This might seem unsafe, and I won't want to drive anything motorized here, but no one is really driving over 30 I would guess. Judith also said you are good to pull out etc. as long as you make eye contact. It is when the person coming at you isn't looking that you need to watch out :)

After the store we had some ice cream, a waffle cone with 2 scoops for .90 cents. We arrived home, which meant me holding onto my two bags of food in front of me, and then headed to our market. I was able to buy fresh Gala Apples!! (kind of expensive but I love them), carrots, potatoes, zucchini, oranges, and some of their native fruit. Oh...and for my brother...the fruit you asked about Dariun I think, yeah I had it last time. You can't even open in the house it smells so bad because it smells like rotten eggs. I tried some and it was the consistency of custard, and not very good.

In the market I was looking for skirts that I can wear here. I didn't think my wool lined skirt or thick denim would make the cut in this heat. I found a dress ($5) two skirts ($10) and a little thin jacket to go over my dress to cover my shoulders ($2.50). The tag on one of my skirts shows retail price of $40. The one skirt had to be shortened (it went past my feet) and the thin jacket was long sleeve and I wanted short sleeves. So for $1.50 I had my skirt and jacket done...and in less then 10 Min's mind you. As we were leaving I heard a Michael Buble song playing and smiled to myself. That guy does get around :)

Tonight will be dinner at another girls place who I met today. Tomorrow is the first day of checking out some of the different churches. But it was good to get out of the house and start getting around to get the things I needed. Oh...at the grocery story it was over $7 for a box of Special K fruit and yogurt cereal, yeah I passed on that one. But I did buy fabric softener in a bag...which also made me smile :)

New Year

2010 has begun...nothing about this really jumped out at me. And then I heard people talking about the beginning of a new decade. How strange to think about ten years ago...I was 17 and entering my second semester of being a Junior in High School. That is weird to me. If you had told me that ten years later I would have two degree(neither of which were on my radar at the time), traveled Europe, Africa, and Asia. Taken a trip to Hawaii with college friends, and lived in a slightly larger city with a roommate...I'm not sure I would have believed you.

I think back to that time in my life and I imagined going to college and getting married, with a possible chance of living on my own for a while. So I guess part of what I have done I would have foreseen. But I never would have guessed the rest. How small my view of life was ten years ago. How much importance I put on silly things. Yet at the time they did not seem so silly. Ten years ago I was planning for Prom...Ten years later I am planning for Cambodia.

I love seeing God's plan unfold for my life. To know that in the middle of what I thought was important God was at working doing bigger things. Things not really about me but things for me to do for His plan. Events, people, and places have all come together to teach me, help me, and grow with in me the person He has called me to be. I love sitting and reading my journals from High School and even College. I laugh at my concern over boys and the things that crowded my heart. I feel triumph in seeing concerns and prayers that God has answered. Ten years...that is a lot of time and yet it doesn't feel like enough. I am excited to see what God has in story for me ten years from now.

Boxes

On Thursday I packed up my belongings. I packed them in boxes, put them in suitcases, and crammed as much as I could into my car. My life is reduced to boxes. I drove to my parents house in Michigan and began unpacking my carefully packed car. As I walked up the stairs in their house and opened my bedroom door I was greeted by more boxes. I keep thinking, "what are in these boxes?" I haven't really missed much in the last few months. Can I really have this much stuff?

I feel a little better realizing my room here is pretty small which creates the feeling of being packed with my belongings. How did I get so much stuff? I have a strong urge to just take boxes and get rid of it all, but I know there are treasured things in my boxes. Yet I won't use any of my things for a year if not longer.

These boxes also mean it is final. I have moved back in with my parents (which wasn't really part of my long term plan), I am unemployed, and I am right where I am suppose to be. I feel that sometimes God hands me a box of my life. It is full of things for me to go through and process, to laugh about, to feel my heart break with, and to be able to use. Boxes, so many boxes..I'm just glad I don't always have to move the boxes God gives me.

December already?

Time seems to be slipping by. This is sad and encouraging to my heart. It is sad because I will be leaving my life here in Marion soon, which I will miss. It is encouraging because it means a new chapter in my life is going to start. It is also sad because during moments with my friends I don't want the time to end. I want to freeze the moment and remember the conversations we had and the knowledge of knowing we are together in this moment.

I freeze moments in my mind that I love returning to and want to keep up my recollections. I know there will be days in Cambodia when I need to remember my ARD who put a orange cone in his parking spot to save it and my other ARD who moved it to take the spot. I want to remember the night I stayed up with 3 other friends playing Speed Scrabble till 3 in the morning. I never want to forget singing "Your too good to be true" at the top of my lungs with my roommate in Evans as we sang our hearts out to the empty hall way.

The encouragement I have in the middle of feeling sad is know that I have time stretching out in front of me next year. I get to be stretched and challenged in ways I can't even imagine; this is building excitement in my little adventurous heart. I want to embrace this next year because I know that time will keep moving and it will be over sooner then I can even know, which feels sad.

Fall

Fall is the best time of the year...I enjoy summer, but fall seems to steal my heart. I love the leaves and colors that are everywhere! I keep taking mental pictures for myself because for the first time in my life, I will miss fall. I won't get to see the leaves change or smell them being burned. No crisp fall air as I run, or smile as the sun come out from behind the big fall clouds.

I can't say I will miss winter here in the states...but fall I will. Time seems to be going so very fast. I find myself unable to believe that October is half over. I keep seeing God work in and around me and I love living with my roommate...it is like college, but even better. All these things I have to trust to God, He knows what my life will look like when I come back. I am excited about leaving and reaching out for what God is putting before me, but right now I'm kind of sad to be leaving.

Adventures in Renting

I have moved into my new apartment and have already had some adventures in my new apartment...

1. Setting up furniture...I had to move my pie safe to a different location because the floor is slanted and the doors to the pie safe wouldn't stay closed.

2. No air conditioning...trying to keep a good balance of air flow even when it is raining and forgot to close one of the windows and got the floor all wet.

3. Parking on the street...having to take my heels off to cross the small river that had formed between me and the sidewalk to my door.

4. No hot water...I had to heat water to take a shower yesterday. Can't say I ever thought I would have to do that.

....I'm sure there will be more to come later.

What has been going on...

Time seems to have slipped past me. The last few months have been crazy. The end of April was filled with saying good bye and transition from Spring to May term housing. During May I had almost a full area of students as well as finishing up reports, saying good bye to the life I have lived the last 4 years, saying good bye to people I have lived and worked with, packing up my apartment, and preparing for Cambodia. Now it is the beginning of June. I leave in 5 days to fly around the world, I will be starting a new part time job when I get back, and I will be moving completely out of my current apartment to some place new.

It all seems to roll on top of each other. It all feel lined up ready to go. This happens first, and then that next, followed by that, and lastly this. Where is there time to breath and think? I just want a few moments of stability and normalcy but I don't think I will have them until I find a place to live and am settled into it. When I no longer walk into my house and see nothing hanging on my walls and when I can't find something I wonder what box I put it in. (then I think about how I have too much stuff and should throw it all away).

That is what my life has been these last few months and the journey keeps going. Who knows what I will have to write about after Cambodia and a summer full of weddings, moving, and starting a new job...we will have to wait and see.

The journey

I am going to Cambodia. I have been accepted to go on the trip in June and I am very excited. I am looking forward to diving into this culture and for the first time with different eyes. I will be looking to see if this is where God wants me to come back. Will this be the place I call home for while? Are these the people I will fall in love with and be broken over?

There is a feeling of adventure and also truth swirled together. It is something new and something that will change everything in my life. Even if God directs me not to go back to Cambodia it doesn't matter. What ever path he has laid before me I will walk, I will run, and I will dance on until He tells me differently. So I have joy, fear, and anticipation. And I am going.

chaos

I'm pretty sure that there is a lesson to be learned in my life right now. I am the type of person who likes structure and order. I have a calendar with reminders about my meetings and I write things down so I don't forget where I have to be and what is going on. Yet in the last month my life each week seems to give me a new surprise. Not just in my job but also personally.

On the job front I think I am getting a taste of anything I have not yet experienced in my job. It started with the fire and earlier this week I had to deal with a huge mental health issue. Someone asked me what all was on the list of things I have not yet dealt with. What? Are you crazy? That's just asking for more stuff to keep getting piled on. I didn't say that to them...I laughed and said I was not making a list. I just know the things I have been dealing with I have not had to deal with yet and other people have.

Personally I am looking at taking a trip overseas to see if that is where God wants me and yet knowing I will have to be moving out of my apartment and needing a job and have no idea what that is going to look like. Yet here I am walking in it...sitting in it...waiting in it. But I know that God is in it. That is where my peace comes in the chaos. I feel like laughing about the situation I am in. Because in the end if God is asking me to leave it is because he knows where I need to go...and that gives me a great amount of peace and joy.

Change

Beginning August 1st I will no longer have a job (currently speaking). In the last few weeks God has begun to help me see that it is time I leave. This is something that is hard and yet exciting all wrapped into one. There are many things I will miss about being where I am and working with the students I love. But on the other side I get to learn who I am apart from this place. It has become home and for that I feel blessed, but I can't stay here forever.

I have passions and gifts that God has given me that I can't use here and feel frustrated at times because I'm not sure how to use them here. But the problem is they are so much a part of me that in not using them I start to forget the dream of why I have them. I don't want to reach a place in my life when I can't dream any more. I want dreams that might come true and ones that probably never will.

God has been so faithful in helping me walk through this process of letting go. I sat with a friend and as we talked she was able to speak such truth into my heart and remind me of the things about myself I had lost sight of. She helped me talk through all the pieces and ways that God has been preparing me for this moment in my life. And she challenged me to live more boldly, to call the people I want to work for and ask them for a job. To embrace the adventure of leaving because that is a part of myself I don't always get to live out of.

So I begin the process of saying good-bye. Good-bye to the place that has given me tons of laughter and tears, cherished friends and hours of entertainment, a place that has challenged my mind, heart, and soul. A place where I learned who God is and how much He loves me. A place that has been preparing me for the next step as I waited for God's direction. Now it is time to take that step.

Depth

I love the depth of friendship. The only analogy that seems to fit is wine, somethings just get better with age. I am learning how that is true in friendship. There is something that happens in life during college when you live with people. True, they are the ones you choose to live with and you love getting back to your room to share that funny story or piece of news. But they are also the people who you get mad at and can't understand how they could forget again.

Yet beyond that there are shared memories of nights laughing, playing games, watching movies, crying together, weddings, and other life steps. Something happens and when you get together you have this amazing vault of memories that seem endless. Each one remembered a little differently by each person. Each memory needing the other pieces to truly be complete. I spend time with some of my friends and realize that what makes our friendship easy is knowing they are a part of my past and my future. No matter who I have been or where I am going they are there.

They have helped me become the person I am which influences who I will be. I feel so blessed to be given such a treasure in my life. I love laughing with them, roasting marshmallows with them, singing loudly with the radio with them, and anything else you can think of. The time we have never feels like enough but always just right.

Fall

Fall is finally here. It thought about coming but then jumped back to summer. (This being seen in days of 80 degree's). But last night someone stopped in to borrow blankets for the soccer game...yes, fall is finally here. As I walked on the track this morning I loved watching the sun chase away the darkness. If you have never watched a sunrise I would highly suggest it. It is amazing to watch how quickly the light dissolves the darkness and the colors that fill the sky.

If you don't know Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I like it getting warm during the day but cooling off at night. I love the trees turning colors and the smells that come; pumpkin, cinnamon, and spices. But maybe what I enjoy the most is the anticipation of the seasons. Not the weather pattern seasons but Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is a time of reflection and rest. A time to gather with family and friends and be reminded not only of what we are Thankful for but taking time to think about the Gift God gave us.

The little things in life

There are little things in life that bring me much joy in my job. Let me share of few of them...

1. A student not wanting to loose their parking spot so they put a cone up when they leave (this was not successful, his friend took his parking spot)
2. Going on-line to look up free things you can get and signing up a friend with out them knowing. (the guy who told me this said he got women's health magazine's, etc. for his friend...who is a guy)
3. Having a guy make a complete fool of himself for no apparent reason other then completely not caring what other's think of him.
4. I taught a guy how to play MASH (not the TV show) and he loved it.

Somethings you just can't put a price tag on :)

process

Embrace the journey...ok, I can do that. But wait...why am I coming back in my journey to things I have already processed and walked through? I'm sorry, excuse me...there must be a mistake! Oh wait...life is one giant process of learning to die to me and live in freedom through Christ.

I am learning that this means sometimes we have to go through things we think is taken care of because there is a deeper level of healing that God wants us to walk through. I know it doesn't make sense to me, but that is what I love about it. I don't want it to make sense because that's not the God I love and serve. He asks radical things of us and things that don't make sense because He knows the bigger picture of life.

Be encouraged and know that embracing the journey and asking what God is trying to teach you will be much more rewarding then simply trying to fight it off. It is happening, go along and be changed.

Last days of summer

Well I have seen the world and am now back home. (And yes...Indiana has become home) I am trying to hold on to and squeeze what I can out of my last days of summer. I love sleeping in and doing what I need to each day...which sometimes involves me sitting outside soaking up sunshine and reading a book. Summer always seems so simple to me...a time to step back and get outside. People are more relaxed and less on edge, we smile more and seem to laugh easier.

I enjoyed stepping out of my world this summer and seeing people in other countries. Watching them live their lives not knowing it is so different then mine. One of my favorite places was in Belgium. They ride their bikes everywhere and I loved it. When we were in the Netherlands I took one of my favorite pictures of the trip. (shown above) To me it is what I want my life to be simple and uncomplicated. Getting back to not just a simpler life but also a simpler faith and walk with God.

He calls us to come to Him as children. Not holding back or shrinking with fear but learning to jump into our Father's arms with no fear of being dropped but just knowing the sheer joy of being lifted high up and celebrated in the arms of the One who loves us more then any other ever could. Be encouraged by children in your life. The blessing they brings is in the way they help us rediscover the world with new eyes as ours have grown accustom to the surroundings. May we never loose the simple joy of seeing God as He is all around us.

Home again

I had an amazing time on my trip. I had fun people I traveled with and a family that treated me like a daughter. By far the most amazing part of my trip had to do with God :) He showed up in big ways in my life. He taught me more about who He is and revealed how He is in the business of healing us and how He so longs for and desires this for us in our lives.

I have struggled with God in trusting His process of healing at times. I can become frustrated and want to go about it a different way. What makes me the authority on healing? This time around I willingly laid my heart down and told God that what ever He wanted for me I would obey. God is so good. My favorite moments with God included one night as I lay in bed trying to sleep even though the room was not air conditioned and my body felt on fire. I kept thinking about how my body wasn't cooling down and how I couldn't fall asleep. I decided to start to pray to pass time. In those moments God shared with my heart a verse from Isaiah that talks about us walking through fire and not being burned, the flames will not consume us.

This was a very relevant verse because I felt like I was on fire and also that reminder that when God is walking with us through hard times He will heal us and take care of us in ways we can't even imagine. For one of the first times in my life I am walking away from a 6 week time frame and can see how in that time God healed my heart and helped me learn how to let go of control and wanting to control things in my life.

Germany

I have arrived in Germany. I have been here almost a week and I love it. The people I'm staying with have made me feel right at home. The country side is beautiful as well. I sit on the back patio in the morning doing my devotions breathing in the clean air and sounds of nature that surround me. It feels great to be here.

This past weekend me and two of my friends went to Munich and a couple other small towns. The history and beauty of these towns is breath taking. It was fun going into the city, hard when we went to the concentration camp, and up-lifting as we hiked in the Alps this morning. God is every where. I love seeing Him here in so many things.

Summer

Well this maybe my last post for a good long while :) I leave on Sunday to see the "old country" if you will. I am going to Europe! I am very excited about this. It is going to be awesome to see history and another part of God's creation as well as spend time out of this state. I am looking forward to not having my cell phone and not being able to check my e-mail everyday.

I am ready for a break from my life...basically :) Today is my last day of work for the year and as I sit here finishing things up in my office I am ready to walk out my door and not come back for a couple months. I need this time away. I need time to remember who I am away from my job and enjoy being around people who are not college students. I love my job but I know I will enjoy it more after this summer.

I hope everyone who reads this will also have a great summer and find time to discover what God is trying to teach you in the next couple of months.

Counting down the days

Time is slowly and yet quickly slipping away. I said good bye to the last of my residents...which is a nice feeling because this is the first time in 2.5 years that I am not responsible for anyone else! (kudos to parents) It feels good to know that I am finishing up what I need to for work and then I am done. I even started packing today for my trip. I know this might sound like I am jumping the gun but I don't want to leave it all for the last minute.

Also with some of my packing I have to take stuff to my parents this weekend so I have it when I meet up with them later this summer...so I have the fun of figuring out what I need for 6 weeks, what I need for the last two weeks of the summer, and what I need to go camping this weekend :) And I have to admit there is a part of me that is really enjoying figuring this all out.

So from right now I have 10 days till I leave on my plane. I am excited for the adventure and time to just be myself!

Obey

Lesson to learn: If God asks you to do something and you say "nay...I already said I'm doing ____" God will get you where He wants you to be. Sometimes God has to use other means to get us to listen. Keep in mind that our Heavenly Father knows exactly how we will hear Him. Granted for me it was nothing serious other then some physical pain for a couple of days, but it is then a reminder to me of two things- 1. God chastises those He loves and 2. OBEY. No really, obey God!

I do think it is good for our pride to do our own things and for God to shake His head, smile (with Love), and then help us listen better. The reminder to us that God is in control and He loves us so much He doesn't want us to forget we really can't do this thing called LIFE with out Him. And personally I really don't want to try to get through LIFE with out Him.

May 13th

The day is finally on the horizon :) I'm getting Lasik surgery!! This means no more contacts or glasses! I am very excited about this but also a little scare...I don't really enjoy "going under the knife" if you will. I like to think it steams back to when I was 4/5 and had to get surgery on my tongue. That was back in the day before dissolving stitches so I had to go back to the Dr. and he pulled them out of my mouth...while I was awake.

The nice thing about this surgery is no stitches and it only takes about 15 seconds per eye...yes that is correct in less then 1 minute my eyes will be fixed! I got to watch a friend have this surgery which helped a lot and I am glad I won't have to pack contact solution or glasses in my luggage for this summer!

Graduation

Today I graduate! I have to admit I didn't know if I could post everyday but enjoyed doing it. These last 26 days have gone by very fast for me. This afternoon I will receive my hood, I will have a dedication service, and then will walk across the stage one more time and receive my diploma. I am excited but also slightly sad. I enjoy school...which may mean going on to get my doctorate :) but I'm not ready to think about that yet.

My family and friends are coming today and tomorrow to help me celebrate and I am so thankful for all the support in the last three years. Every person who has walked this journey with me has been a true blessing in my life.

1 Day

The craziness has begun. Yesterday was spent helping my staff with any issues that came up checking people out. I had to also set up and run our RA picnic. It is an end of the year thank you to all our staff members for the hard work and tough job they have to do all year. This year me and another RD made it themed :) It was Field Day...such as from Elementary school. That's right we went "old school". We had T-shirts and ribbons as well as tickets they could turn in for prizes. It was a lot of fun and went over really well. I will be honest in saying I was struggling a bit because large crowds do overwhelm me, but I was fine once we got into it.

Also yesterday I acquired a TV. I am not yet sure how I feel about this. I did go and buy a DVD/VCR last night and watched a Bug's life with one of my girls. I'm sure I'll have more to say about this later but right now I don't have time to really process it. (For those who don't know I did a media fast for 1 year, 2 years ago and have not had a TV in my apartment for the last 3 years.)

Today is promising to be busy as well. I will be checking out my entire staff from their apartments and walking through my whole area. I will be saying my good-bye's and hopefully get some down time tonight with my family.

3 Days

Today has been pretty crazy. I am doing all the last minute stuff to help my staff with check out's by answering questions and sending them reminders of what to make sure they are doing. It is hard for me because it is AMAZING outside right now!

Stress- is lifting, everyday is getting better and better. I am having good conversations to help peel off the different layers of my feelings and emotions that got caught up in everything. I am feel much more functional and stable over all :) I know that the last few weeks have been hard but I have been encouraged by them. I can see how I am handling things differently in my life which means growth and I have this sense that God is going to use this to produce something very good in my life. I'm not sure what that will look like but I know something good will come of all of it.

I am getting more excited about Saturday and have even been able to think more about traveling this summer and getting excited about that as well.

4 Days

Today has just begun but I have already decided it is going to be a good day. Here are the reasons why...
1. The sun was shinning and it was warm at 7:30 this morning
2. I am not wearing or have a coat with me
3. I have no homework...at all...ever again!
4. I get to spend time with the RD's today
5. It is warm outside
6. I have Bible study tonight and get to spend time with some amazing women
7. God's loves me and is taking care of me
8. The sun is shinning :)

I guess what other reasons do you really need? Though I have a feeling the whole "being done with school" feeling won't really hit until this fall when everyone else is going back to school. This is what I have heard from different people.

5 days

I am done :) Officially! I took my last final this afternoon and did well on it. (we graded it in class) Then I went and had a fully body deep tissue massage...let me just say, if you have never done this for yourself, you should. It felt wonderful and helped me relax. As I am sitting down to dinner tonight I realized I have not interacted with students all day. Now on the one hand I could feel guilty about this but on the other hand I have been under a lot of stress and it felt good to just take care of myself today.

Granted I still did my job...just over e-mail :) I am planning on having a relaxing evening to round out my day. The rest of the week is going to be pretty busy and I need my rest. I know this week is going to go by fast...and I can honestly say I am very excited about Saturday.

6 Days

Another afternoon of Ultimate Frisbee...what more could a girl ask for :) I take my last final tomorrow and then I'm done! I just want it over with. I have a lot going on this week and am focusing on each day the things that I need to do.

At this point in the semester I am struggling with feeling so weak. I can't make logical sense of my emotions and know that major changes always come with the end of the year. I know peace, quite, and rest is what my body needs but a little part of me is scared that even that won't refresh my soul.

One of my friends helped me sort through my thoughts yesterday and reminded me that somethings in my life can wait till after this week. That was a big release to me. I needed to hear that.

7 days

A week from today I will graduate. I am excited for this to come but am aware of everything I have to get through this week first. This week will be hard, saying good bye always is. I am ready for the slow pace and absence of homework and classes...but I will miss my staff. I am excited because some of them will be on my staff next year again.

Change can at times be very hard for me. Yet I can usually see God's grace in helping prepare me for it. This doesn't always mean it isn't hard just that I can see God working in it and know He is there with me.

The concert last night was AMAZING just so everyone who reads this knows :) A Friday night well spent :)

8 Days

Today I rejoice :) I feel as though God helped me release this friend situation in my life. I feel awakened and free from them. (which means it might not have been healthy to begin with). Regardless I will be speaking to this person about how they hurt me (I don't think they know).

I would say I woke up this morning happy...but I jumped out of bed at 5:45 because of an earthquake (yes I'm not making this up...it was on the news) thinking someone was on my roof. Then I feel back asleep and had a terrible dream of being held as a hostage with this couple who by all appearances was treating me very well, they just wouldn't let me leave. Not the best way to start the day :) Yet tonight I am going to a concert and spending time with friends I haven't seen for a while (I"m getting off campus!!!!! :) ) and I know this is what my weary soul needs.

Sometimes you need to remember who you are and what makes you feel alive. :) I am also now very very excited about graduating!!!!!

9 Days

The sun is shining, it is warm outside, and God is good. There is still hurt in my life, but I was reminded today the value of who I am, who God is creating me to be, and I believe it! This is exciting to me, even though the hurt in my life is big...God is bigger! I was also reminded that sometimes we have to be wounded to heal. God is so good, He is walking with me in this, and I find myself spending more and more time with HIM. I want to be in His presence.

I also like the Chris Rice song that has these lyrics:
Sometimes the way is lonely,
it's steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and in pours the rain
Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus and Live

Today has been hard and yet it is ok. It will be ok. There really is always Hope :)

10 Days

Today is my day off, which ended up being a good thing because today was not a good day. My heart hurts, not just in the emotional sense but physically last night and today my heart has felt squeezed in my chest. I had a good day yesterday followed by some disheartening news. I felt today spinning out of my control.

I have cried, been very angry, climbed back in bed after being up, going my church and praying, and then sitting with a friend who let me sit in my pain. I have been wounded by a friend. Someone I was told to trust and yet they have hurt me in a way I never thought they would. God has been reminding me of Grace and forgiveness. I am praying that God would save me from myself, I don't want to be angry and bitter. Those emotions simply cover the hurt...I need to sit in it. People make choices, sometimes not considering others. Granted I am not running out to spend time with this person...I need distance and time to sort through things.

The amazing part to all of this is God's perfect timing. He has been preparing me to hear this news for the last week and a half. He didn't let me find out on a day I couldn't handle it. And for the first time in my life I am ok with being sad...to sit in it and know that I will not be overwhelmed by it. To watch the body of Christ surround me and try to hold me in it.

God's truth is that there is always hope. It will hurt for a while but the sun always shines after the rain.

11 Days

Today I got excited about being done! And today was good, I had fun and even though I am feeling kind of wiped out right now I'm going to go home, rest, eat dinner, and get my final chapter read for my class.

God has been pouring out His blessings in my life and I feel so loved watching the body of Christ surround me and take care of me. Things I could never had seen if I had not been vulnerable with how I was feeling. The sun is shinning and even though my soul still feels weary, I have hope and know that I made it through today and I will make it through tomorrow as well.

12 Days

The finish line is in view. I can see it but can't quite look at it yet. Right now I am focusing on each day, what I need to do, who I need to meet with, and what can wait. I still feel really tired and am emotionally spent. God blessed me with sending some very intentional people for me to run into after lunch. They all listened and I know they love me and care about me a lot. I also got an amazing card from some of my friends that made me laugh.

On the front:

Women: Can give birth, Can organize kids' activities and transportation, Can effectively balance career and household, Can communicate, Can empathize with other, Can uplift, give support, comfort, advise, share, aid, cheer, connect, calm, care, nurture, and embrace.

Men: Can pee standing up

Inside of card: We Win!

No offence to the guys out there but I loved it...and the fact that my friends didn't write in the card or on the envelope...they used post it notes so I can re-use the card :) It makes me smile just thinking about it.

13 Days

My test is done, two more finals and all of my school stuff will be completed. I can't believe it is almost here. I remember having moments always wanting Graduation to come and would encourage myself with "one more year" "last internship" "one more semester" and now it is in a matter of days.

My test went fine, it took me a little over 2 hours to answer 200 questions. I hung out with friends last night to celebrate and by 9pm I was pretty spent. I know my body is still unwinding from Thursday and have been working to keep things very low stress the last couple of days. With today being the Sabbath it wouldn't be too hard, I never do homework on Sunday.

So as I sit in my kitchen this morning preparing to go to church I am glad my test is over and am trying to focus on each day as it is in front of me. I realize I feel weak in having to admit to people that I had such a bad day on Thursday but am reminded that being strong is not always the person who holds everything together.

15 Days

Well tomorrow is the big test day. My life is stressed out and I am completely calm about taking this test. I know I might have some test anxiety tomorrow but right now I am looking forward to crawling into my bed, possibly running in the morning, and then being done with it. I just want it to be over.

In my personal life...I tried to keep today stress free, which helps with keeping myself from feeling overwhelmed. I love watching God work in my life. Things are hard and pressure is high and then God steps in allows me to do what I feel I need to and then turns things around on me. I understand more of what happened and is happening in my life and it makes me smile. Oh, don't get me wrong it is going to be hard and I think that is what makes me sort of glad. So much freedom can come from working through struggles and knowing that it is through my weakness that God will be strong. To HIM be all the Glory and Honor and Praise.

Today I learned to not be ok and to allow others into my weakness...it was quite freeing. No pretence, no trying to stay strong. I am tired and that is ok. No one asked me to be strong I just have it in my head that is what I am suppose to be. Yet if we don't allow other's into our pain how do we make them feel safe to share their pain?

God is good and faithful to those who put their hope and trust in Him. As He reminded me today, there is always Hope.

16 Days

Stress...it is hitting me today. I flirt with the line of feeling burned out and feeling fine a lot. Today I am tipping the scale toward burn out. I hate feeling this way! This means I don't handle the stress well in my life, little things make me want to cry, and I feel very overwhelmed...not a fun way to spend your day. So today is a bad day in that area of my life.

I am working to review today and tomorrow for my exam, but I'm tired. I think I am reaching the point when I would go on autopilot...but I think I've been living on that for so long I have nothing left. I just want to be done and walk away. I have been looking forward to May term and today I can't even think about getting through that as well. I know that this will pass and feel free to pray for me. I don't usually share this with people...my bad days are typically between me and God.

I just make sure to spend time with God releasing everything in my life into His hands and resting in His arms. And then I remember that it is just today, I won't feel this way tomorrow and as I climb into bed tonight I will tell myself that I get to try again tomorrow, it will be ok.

17 Days

My brain is fried...officially :) I got up at 8 and studies till around 6 this evening. I did take breaks, but near the end I couldn't really concentrate that well. I think (in my estimation) I went through about 400 questions today. But I am done with all the questions and can spend the next two days just reviewing over things I need to cement into my brain.

It is amazing to me that there are things I learned at the beginning of my Graduate work that I still remember. Even though it has been a long day I did accomplish a lot...not just in studying. I picked up my apartment, did laundry, washed and put away my dishes, and even left my apartment for a whole 45 mins :) Those things of course were my study breaks.

I am excited about crawling into bed tonight, though tomorrow might be rough. I was playing intermural co-ed Volleyball on Tuesday night and not only took a ball to the face (direct hit) but also landed really hard on my right side and almost got the wind knocked out of me. My body had some aches today, but hopefully that is all the complaining it will do.

18 Days

Well it is crunch time...I have job stuff I have to do as well as trying to fit study time in any time I can. Then of course life happens and I have stuff going on in my personal life as well. God is teaching me a lot about different area's of my life and teaching me about truth and how to speak truth in love.

The past few days have been hard but so amazing! God is so faithful!

3 days till my exam!!!!

19 Days

I did not necessarily forget to blog yesterday I just had too much fun doing other things :) I sat outside for an hour and a half and then played Ultimate Frisbee for 2 hours, walked my friends dog with her for another hour and then had an RD meet and greet time (we are interviewing for positions on campus).

Today I am feeling the crunch time of trying to study every minute I can! But like anything stuff comes up that wants to take my time.

On top of studying God is giving me a lot to process and I have been blessed with friends who speak truth into my life and help me know what I should be doing in these area's of my life. I am excited because they are area's of my life I feel God wants to redeem in my life this year and I have been praying over these areas. So feel free to pray for me with my exam coming up and also courage in doing the things God is calling me to do.

21 Days

Today I decided I really really want a dog. Previous to this day I have kind of wanted a dog...but today tipped the scales. It was 57 degree's outside and I just wanted to take a walk. I use to walk my dog back home in Michigan and I miss walking and talking to my dog as well as praying as I walked. I just wanted to be outside today and I never have anyone to walk with.

My Junior year of college was great because one of the girls I lived with would go for walks with me all the time. It was a great time of exercising as well as fellowship. I miss that...and I really want a dog. So most of my day has been spend with friends, playing racquetball and talking. I have studies my book till the words and sentences no longer make any sense in my head. There is sooooo much information I just keep praying that God will help me remember what I need to remember.

Oh...and my friend I pranked called me a dirty pirate hooker (which made me laugh really hard) and tells me it is on and I am going to get it. I really enjoy causing mischief :) I hope what ever is coming my way is good...I have not had a good prank pulled on me in a while. Who said you have to become mature as an adult?

22 Days

Well I am planning on studying my little butt of this afternoon. For fun we are dressing up in prom dresses, bridesmaid dresses, and suits for our meeting this morning :) Which means study study study later. I hope to get pictures of this wonderful event and maybe post them tomorrow.

Let's be honest sometimes you need to act like you are younger then what you are to forget about the stress in your life. It also helps that I live and work with college students. I appreciate that nothing is really too extreme around here...though I have a hunch I will have a bit of a reality shock when I get out.

Only 7 days till my test!

23 days

To be completely honest I feel myself checking out on school. I have been pushing myself for so long and I know that I don't have to live this way much longer. I am focused on my NCE exam and nothing else seems important. Passing this exam is huge because if I do I will be a certified counselor (scary I know).

I am also just tired today. Last week, this week and next week are full long days. I just want to climb into bed right now and rest (even though it is 4:30 in the afternoon). I know that this will pass, I just am living under last minute, get it done now, type of stress. I'm excited for May!

25 days

Ok...so it has been suggested for me to have a post every day till graduation. I am not going to promise that I can do this; I can get busy and forget :) But for today...

I am done with projects and only have reading to do while I wait for my Study Guide. I take my NCE exam on the 12th...kind of scary to think about. That is the next hurtle I need to jump through before I can breath easy. After April 12th my life will be great or should be :) I had an interesting converstation with a college girl today. She if graduating also from the undergraduate program and wanted to hear about how the transition from college into life was for me. It was great getting to share my heart with her about the path God has brought me on in the last three years.

God has provided so much for me and I feel as though I finally have a glimps and know who I am in Him then I ever have before. I was able to be real with her about the highs and lows of graduating single and living alone right out of college. Through it all it just is always amazing to me to be able to share with people what God is doing in my life and how He will do the same things in their lives if they allow Him to.

26 days

I knew this day would come...when you begin something there is always a finish. Yet in the midst of my crazy job and school work sometimes I lost sight of it. And to be honest forgot about it. But now it is coming. In 26 days I will graduate. I am beyond excited. I am looking forward to coming home and not thinking about homework. I can hang out with friends not trying to plan it around when I can work on my homework.

No more class assignments, projects, tests, quizzes...simply Freedom! Granted there is a part of me that will miss this...I admit to being "one of those" people who like school. I enjoy learning...yet I think it is safe to say my time has come. My time to enjoy other things in my life, time to enjoy my job, and time to just be me :)

What's great

Let me tell you what is great...good friends :) I am reminded of this today because I am sitting in Georgia with good friends. Good friends are the people who know you well, common experiences and memories, and people who get you. They accept you for who you are and what you are becoming. They ask you crazy questions and no matter what your answer is there is no fear of them rejecting you or watching what you say.

I am so thankful for the friends God has blessed me with. I may not get to spend tons of time with all my friends but they each hold a special place in my heart from the time we did spend together and cherish the time we do get to spend together.

Transition

Well Christmas has come and gone. The students departed and I enjoyed the silence I only get in the summer time :) Don't get me wrong I love my job but there comes a time when you just need a break from people!

Now everyone is back and I just can't seem to get into the swing of things. I just want a couple more days off. Yet I know it will just take some time to get use to the new routine. I am about to begin my last two classes for my Master's program. I am beyond ready to be done with school! I had a dose of Senioritous the beginning of last semester and hopefully I will be motivated to work ahead instead of allowing things to fall behind this time.

I just keep telling myself 4 more months till graduation and 5 months till I'm in Europe!
(in case you didn't know I'm going to Europe this summer for 6 weeks and bought my ticket yesterday... it's a Happy Graduation gift to myself)

What I'm Thankful for

I think the picture speaks for it self...but Hawaii was amazing! I would recommend it to anyone. This was on the island Kauai where they filmed Jarassic Park and South Pacific (this is acctually the beach they filmed South Pacific on).

I had an amazing 10 days with two awsome friends. I finally got a vacation after 2.5 years of working. I enjoyed every minute of my time. I will say after 80+ degrees for a week I really didn't want to come home to rainy, wind, and coldness.

This picture is from the North Shore on Oahu.

Joy

I am amazed at the ways in the last few weeks I have felt such Joy in my life. Not, "oh I'm happy this moment" type of Joy but true feel it in every cell of my body joy. I am finding that in letting go of trying to control my life I gain the freedom to enjoy it. Who knew? :)

Somethings are worth waiting for, even if I forget at times. I'm learning to enjoy where I am right now. No looking ahead too far but being present with the people who are in my life right now. God will take care of the rest, He always has and always will.

The little things.

Sometimes I think we forget to ask. Sometimes we think it is too small, too large, or not important enough for God to care about. I stood in my kitchen last night with such a longing and desire to play the piano I didn't know what to do. My piano is at my parents house and I don't think it could make the journey to my apartment because of how heavy it is as well as it being my Grandmother's piano. Yet in the last 2.5 years I have lived in my apartment I have hated having to go to the practise rooms if I just want to play for a little while. I assessed my apartment yesterday to see if I have room for a piano and found a couple spots I could put it. I knew it would have to be a smaller piano and that I really couldn't pay much over a certain price. Then I laid it at God's feet believing and having faith that God will provide for this in my life.

This morning in my e-mail, my sister forwarded me someone wishing to sell a piano. I googled the kind of piano it was (price was exactly what I am willing to pay) and well it is the piano I had pictured in my head last night.

Even if I end up not getting this piano, it doesn't really matter. God provides and will take care of me, even if it is something as little as me wanting to play the piano because it helps me handle stress. I have to ask myself...Do I allow GOD to be big enough for these things?

Birthday suprise :)

Office picture (notice the nice flowers on my desk). My staff suprised me for my birthday by decorating my office.

Learning

I'm learning to live with frustration, discontentment, and unrest. I feel as though I have been struggling through these last few days. By any standard it looks as though I had a normal and fun weekend, I hung out with various friends and did fun things. But inside I wrestle with my emotions, my self, and what God is trying to teach me. In talking to a friend today she told me I need to learn to see my weakness as strengths (she is not the first to tell me this).

It can be difficult to learn to see something in our lives as we have always known it and turn it upside down. Thus I am working to change and see where this process is going to take me. I am praying that God would keep me focused on what is going on now so I don't get caught up on the end result. It doesn't matter what that will be, change happens in the process. Though I am annoyed by this I know that it is the continued process of being refined and made new.

My so called life

Looking back and trying to lean forward for a peek into tomorrow is always interesting, because it never works out :) Try as I might and no matter what I think I want or need, God always has a surprise for me. The end of this week means I will have a semi normal life...well ok not really normal, I live with college students. This just means I have office hours, classes, and meetings. I am looking forward to getting settled.

The last month of my life has flown by but has been good. My new staff is fun and get a long great. I feel sort of ready to start classes again but am counting down till I graduate this Spring. I have moved into my new office...my very own which makes me smile as I sit looking around knowing I picked the colors, curtains, and paintings. I enjoyed my first official day off yesterday and smiled as I put on jeans and a t-shirt as I prepared to get groceries. It is always amazing how much you learn to appreciate the small things in life when you don't always get to do them.

That is the highlights of my so called life.

Smell what?

It eludes me...there is a smell from somewhere in my kitchen. If there were hidden video's people might think I'm strange. I have sniffed my counter, in the cupboards, in the stove, under the stove, the fridge, under the fridge, behind my washer and dryer, under my sink, various things that sit on my counter, my microwave, the sink, my dish drying rack, my garbage disposal in the sink, inside my washing machine, and more. I have washed dishes, done laundry...I just don't know what else to do.

I stand in the middle of the kitchen, by my sink, by my washer and dryer....it seems everywhere. I had to question my sanity this weekend when some family came to visit. I of course am apologizing for this mysterious smell and they said they didn't smell anything. I had a dream I could smell it....I think people seek help for these kinds of things.

Today it dawned on me that maybe the smell is me. But I bath and have not changed those habits as of recent so I had to rule that out as well. I may be slightly paranoid because early this month I had another horrible oder which was discovered to be rotting potatoes in my cupboard...very gross.

Sigh....so the search will continue. I will not be eluded. My next task is clean and scrubbing my kitchen.

Solitude

Well church on Sunday was great! My job is to create community...it has to every where and to some degree I find myself feeling weird when I am alone. But the sermon stressed that we need solitude and community to help shape our ministry. Ministry is just trying to copy Christ if you don't take time to develop yourself alone and with others. Wow...so the challenge was to learn to be good at what you don't do well. So I spent time on Sunday alone with my thoughts...which was a good thing because there was a lot I needed to think about.

God and I spent most of the day chatting, he watched as I moved my furniture around and cleaned, and wrapped up the solitude with a walk to the prayer chapel. It was great! I don't know why we don't spend more time doing this. I realized through this day that I don't need to hear God's voice to know His will. I walked with him and talked with him in our time together. I listened to my heart and my gut to know.

Meeting with God was refreshing and gave me freedom from fears, worries, and other foolish things I put too much time and energy into thinking about. At the end of the day I realized, again, that it is not about me but about Him. It is about His plan for my life and what He wants me to do. No matter what happens He will be there and help me through it.

so cute

I just love being an Aunt :)

the slow way of summer

Summer is here...finally. Today I played catch up with my job. It feels good to throw my list away at the end of the day knowing I accomplished most everything on it. I find myself every year at this time reflecting on my life. I enjoy looking back and seeing how I am different now then last year at this time. A year is a long time but also short. Time is a funny thing in how it progresses forward, but in our moments of time it seems endless to look ahead. It will take forever for things to come...so it seems. Yet when we look back we wonder where all the time went.

Looking back this year is kind of hard. Last year at this time I was being "courted" shall I say by a guy. Not much has been said in regards to this for a couple reasons. One reason being there is not much to say is because it was going towards a relationship and then sort of died. Another reason being that for me resolution is huge and it was slow in coming due to a lack of communication. Needless to say looking back right now I see a time last year when I was being pursued and enjoying those first moments of a relationship when it is fun and exciting and you just want to spend time together...but then I have to reflect on how it seemed to slip through my fingers.

I don't want to end this being "Debbie Downer" because I have learned a lot this year through all of it. I can see how God was working and how sometimes we ask for things and in that moment God knows what we need and it doesn't involve what we want at that moment. I have peace about this and know that God works for the greater good.