The Christmas Season

At the center of our home, this time of year, is our Christmas tree. Each ornament has a story and a Christmas when it became part of the family. I smiled as I unwrapped the newer ornaments, they are the easiest ones to forget about. I lovingly unwrap each box. I look at the tree and decide what branch will be the perfect spot for this year. I smile at the memory of each Christmas the ornaments remind me of. A warmth filled my heart as the Christmas music continually played from the dining room. I watched the lights dance on the ornaments making them sparkle and dazzle. The soft glow of the lights made me wish for a fire place with some warm tea, a blanket, and good book.

Home

Sometimes you just miss the ones you love, the ones you lost, and the ones still to come.

I sit in my apartment working on last minute projects. The washing machine humming, my itunes singing, and my heart aching for home. Four months, this is definatly the longest time away for me. I miss my family "in the state up North" as some Ohio State fans might refer to it.
I can't wait to drive back home tomorrow, inhale deeply of my house, and play with my pets. My parents and I will have game nights everynight,I will get to spend time with the fun Wallinga Clan on Turkey day, I will go shopping on Friday morning :), and on Sunday I will return South.
I am thankful for the opportunities God has blessed me with this year. I am thankful for my family here in Indiana helping me feel at home. I am thankful for the amazing women I meet with every Thursday. I am thankful God is patient and loving. I am thankful God loves me so much He won't let me stay where I am but continues to call me to a place of obediance and trust.

The societal question of why and the fragile heart

Why do good girls go after bad boys? This question has long been debated. After some very good discussions and allowing things to percolate (that's for you George!) in my brain for a while I have come to some conclusion. Disclaimer: I am not bitter, I just find this interesting...

Good girls like bad boys perhaps because of the thrill or because they do not see them selves as being worth much. It is easier to like someone who might like you and then leave you allowing yourself to continually feel like crap. If a girl does not like herself why would she pursue relationships with amazing guys...she does not feel as though she measures up. Then you have a girl who takes a risk only to be told "you are a beautiful person" (guys don't ever say that...in girl world it means, "your fat and or ugly")

On the same hand why do guys typically go after the girls who are size 3 or smaller, have blond hair, and seems sort of ditzy? (Yes I'm making a stereotype!) perhaps good girls also run to the bad boys because they might not care as much if she is not supper skinny and ditzy. I am not totally sure why guys generally go for the skinny girls other then the mass media messages.

Are we all just scared of taking risks? Of loving someone and then having them walk away from us? Why do guys not pursue with abandon and girls not allow themselves to be loved?

So where do you fall in this? Do you agree with me? If not I would love to hear what you think!

Chicago, Willow, and Me

Well...I use to think I would like to live in a city for a little while, and perhaps some day that might still happen. But I would like to emphasize that I said I USE to think about living in a city. I went on my staff retreat this weekend to Chicago. There I realized some things about myself.
1. I am a hick! I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but
it is true!
2. I love nature! Not sure I would enjoy running on the streets of
Chicago having grown up running in the country.
3. I am an introvert. This one might shock some of you as well, but I
was pretty overwhelmed the entire time and just wanted to go sit out by
the lake or meander through a museum.
4. I don't jump on banwagons. We went to Willow Creek for church (if
you want more details ask me) but I was not completely sold on becoming
a full time attender if I lived there.

So I guess some day you might find me still living in the country running on open roads, being able to go horse back riding, and growing a nice vegetable garden...but God willing you won't find me living in a big city!

p.s. Chicago is a very nice city, so it is nothing personal against Chicago...which I will be visiting again in a couple weeks :)

Got Levi?

Katie and I where going to dress up in our outfits from other countries, but that felt like too much work...so we dressed up like Levi instead :) Saddly he did not get to see up in person. But we did leave a nice little gift in the office for him :) And yes this is RDs with too much time on their hands and a friend who can take a joke.

When I say I am a Christian...

When I say "I am a Christian"
I am not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing I am weak
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are too visible
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek His name.

When I say "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

(posted by the Shatford RA staff in: The RACE)

Guitar and Greek

God is pursuing me. But how does one pursue God? How do you show the Creator of the world that you are chasing after Him? How do you grasp the fact that He wants us to pursue Him? I did not know the answer to this, so I prayed. I prayed that God would show me how to pursue Him. He answered...

I had a guitar lesson on Tuesday....I starting translating Greek on Thursday. Each of these days I found myself transported to a place where only God and I exists together. A place of deep love and communion. The place where words are not really needed because someone is revealing something to the other that is too special to put into words.

I pursued God through these two things, and in these two things God met me. I had thought too big. I had imagined I would have to come up with a pursuit different then something I already love to do. Yet I was gently reminded that it was the intimacy with God I found in a taste of these avenues that drove me to go deeper.

When I strum the cords I feel Him, as I sing the songs I sense his pleasure, and as I abandon my heart to Him I find rest. I find peace. I find deep joy.

When I translate the Greek words and see the deeper meaning that English can not grasp, I see a deeper side of God. In the broken Greek I hear His whisper of love. I see the revelation and am touched by the desire it awakens in my heart.

Do you pursue God? Run after Him like a child running to someone you love. Stretch out your arms and be prepared to sink deep into His loving arms.

Fall

I miss Michigan in the fall. I love the multitude of brilliant colors that cascade off the trees. I miss the smell of our house as my mom makes and cans applesauce. I no longer savor the sweet taste of homemade apple crisp. I long to feel the cool breeze on my face at night. I look longingly at my soft fleeces and sweaters wanting so much to wear them. But Fall is not the same here in Indiana... "Sigh"

New Star

So I was surfing the web and came across this new up and coming actor who is going to be staring in a movie called "I was going to graduate but went surfing instead" I think he might have a very promising career. On his personal profile he said he likes cooking with flour and eggs, fishing with Stink bait, and trying to hook his roommate from college up with other people. Let me know what you think :)

The Secret Garden

Have you ever seen the movie "The Secret Garden"? The basic story is of a little girl who looses her parents and moves from India to England to live with her distant Uncle. She has nothing to do all day and ends up wandering around the gardens of the estate. One day she finds a locked garden, she has in the mean time found an old key, so putting two and two together she unlocks the garden. This is her secret place where she begins to find a purpose and is driven to fix up the garden. She is not sure what to do but with the help of one of her only friends they plant and weed the garden. Through hard labor, toil, and sweat she works diligently to see the garden fixed up for spring.

As the movie unfolds it is evident the little changes in the girl's life. She begins to smile and laugh more, she comes alive with her new found love of gardening. By spring the Garden is beautiful, but she is afraid her Uncle will lock it back up once he finds out. (there is more to the story but you will have to read the book or watch the movie)

I find that some days I am the garden, locked and waiting for God to come in and weed, plant new things, and help cultivate(I know you are smirking Matt, Tim, and Phil) what is already there. He takes time to clear away the leaves, to pick out the weeds no matter how stubborn they are, He plants new things and tenderly waters and protects them. God sees my hidden beauty and wants to make it the best that He can. He takes time and has patience. My beauty in due time is being revealed to not only others but also myself

Other times I feel like the little girl. I have been hurt and confused and have found a purpose and task that God has helped me discover. I see the hard work ahead and recognize the sacrifice of time. I see the effort I have to put forth to change. I know that it is only through the hard work and risk of loosing it all that makes this process worth while. I see myself changing in little ways and opening up to those around me more and more. I see that I am not the same girl at the beginning of the movie. In the course of life I have begun to live.

The road behind

In my life I have always been focused on the road ahead of me. I try to strain and see what might be lying ahead. I read verses such as "the Lord is a lamp unto my feet" and I thought, "hey God turn the brights on, the fog is think out here." I remember being excited about graduating from High School. I craved a new beginning and a new chance to start over. I viewed my transition to college as making a turn down a new road and planned on never looking back. I always though the past is behind me.

Yet something Pastor DeNeff said in Church a couple weeks ago stirred my heart. I thought back to my past and saw how it had followed me even when I was not looking. I realized I knew this from the moment I stepped on to campus. I had been fighting it every time I would sneaked a look behind me. It has always lurked there in the shadows that I cast upon it.

I felt some freedom from my past this previous January when I had the amazing privilege to speak in chapel. I opened my heart and allowed others to hear my pain and challenge them to think outside the box. I still have so much to learn. But on Sunday Pastor DeNeff said that by looking at our past we see evidence of God. With new eyes I turned my head and took a long look back at everything in my life. Guess what? God was everywhere.

Celebration

I celebrate you. I see your strengths and your color in life and I rejoice in being able to witness it and be allowed to be a part of that. I no longer desire the things I can not have in you. I celebrate you by smiling, cheering, laughing, and showing you in small ways that I appreciate you. You are no longer the menacing person who hinders me in what I can do. You are no longer the opponent I will never beat. You are no longer frustrating to me.

I accept that I am a girl and I have limitation. You are a guy. I celebrate you! I like watching you play and be aggressive. I enjoy the display of "guyness". Thank you for showing me the masculine side of God.

I don't know what to say

An infinite amount of words could not express what I am feeling today. I marvel at my surroundings. I am in a place that I never would have imagined a year ago. A year ago I was making plans to go to Africa, I was convinced that I would never getting married (and upset about this), and I lived in complete bondage to my mind.

Today I am an RD at an amazing school, I am happier single today then I have been in the last four years, and am making changes in my life and am becoming Free. I have found my place in God's plan and it is far different then what I planned. Yet being here knowing God placed me in this place for a reason gives me confidence I never knew I had. Not so my will and my agenda can be done but so that those I touch see something HE has chosen for them to see.

I feel so humbled by what I get to do and how I get to love on people. Sure I am still under attack by Satan, yet I know my GOD is big enough, strong enough. It was said in a book I just read that, "faith does not become your own till it is tested." I have awoken from a deep sleep of bondage to find myself in a lovely valley filled with hurt, pain, and people desperate to be loved. My heart breaks and I cry easier then before.

I am changed...I am happy...I am content...God is good.

Life

I think too often we try to drowned the smell of life. On Saturday my staff helped at a Community Youth Outreach Center. Inside the building I was caught off guard by the smell that assaulted my nostrils. With every breath I had a memory of a mission trip overseas. Smells in other countries are strong, but here I have never smelled anything. I found the same smell in that old building.

Life. It's odor was everywhere. Some people commented on needing some fresh air after being in the building too long, but for me I found myself drawn to it. True it did not smell nice. It smelled real. Time, dust, tears, and life filled every corner of the room. I did not want to escape, I run too often from the real stuff in life. I want to drowned out the world through watching movies or reading a book. If I don't see or smell it, it must not exist.

Life happens, things change. Do you smell it? Do you feel it's sweet nectar on your lips? Do you embrace it? Do you run away?

If I could choose

I was playing Ultimate Frisbee last night and saw a swallow flying around the field. After watching the bird swoop, fly straight up while doing a barrel role, and then zoom off I decided I would like to be a swallow. A bird's eye view of God's creation, soaring high and doing tricky flying moves. Count me in!

That's all I wanted to share :)

No more

This weekend I was confronted by a true friend. He called me out on what he saw going on in my life and I was glad. I realized I have let certain things in my life take root in my attitudes. On inquiring with God about this it became very clear that I need to give up TV, Movies, videos, Video games, etc.. For the next year I will not voluntarily watch them. A few exceptions will be made for a video shown in chapel or showing my mission trip video...but other then that nothing!

I am very excited about this opportunity to flush the worldly influence from my system and learn more about myself. I will also use this as a chance to be a better steward of my time. I will be able to have more meaningful interactions and more quality time spent with friends. Let the year long fast begin!!!

Moda

He sat playing his guitar like a drug. The rhythm of the music rocked him gently as he sat. One leg folded under his body the other hanging down. It suited him to be slightly sipping on a drink between songs. The words he sang soothed the folds of my heart. I enjoyed the conversations around me, participated, and then sat to listen as he opened his heart and let it all hang out. He was intense in pouring himself out with his music, he desired us all to catch his passion and love.

His t-shirt in jeans were the perfect contrast to the room cloaked in formal design. He seemed to have been plucked out of a coffee shop and set down in this room of dress shirts and skirts. This did not bother him, he had his music and he needed nothing else.

To rejoice or not to rejoice, that is the question

The verse in the bible that always concerned me was the one that talks about rejoicing in times of suffering. I remember thinking that Paul must really have misunderstood something or was really confused. Why in the world would anyone rejoice in times of suffering? Doesn't God see that I am down, hurt, and in need of Him?

But that is the beauty and simplicity of the message. It ties in with the idea that when we are weak God is strong. When we are tired, burdened, or suffering that is when we only need to cry out to God and He is right there holding us, helping us, and carrying us.

The joy is in the denial of ourselves and the acknowledgement that we must call on God to help us. We have to the joy of clinging to God, to draw that much closer to God, and to be held by Him longer. Today my heart rejoiced in being reminded of this. I could actually praise God for the hardships of transitions, I could sing praise to His name for the promise of blessings yet to come, and found gladness swelling in my heart in realizing that He is right here holding my hand and will never let go.

Wedding pictures

Just a quick picture of us girls before Pete and Nicki's wedding at Tina's house.

At the wedding it is Me and Jen with Pete and Nicki.

Alone

Fun how things happen. One day up the next day down.
I stand, I sit, and then sing out loud.
I watch the silence pass.
I listen for a noise.

I hear nothing coming and something going.
Silence sometimes seems like death.
I try to call but no one's home.
I cry.

God comes near and I feel so unworthy of Him.
I feel His gentle hands around me.
I block out the devils' lies.
I let truth seep inside.

This too shall pass.