The sun is shining, it is warm outside, and God is good. There is still hurt in my life, but I was reminded today the value of who I am, who God is creating me to be, and I believe it! This is exciting to me, even though the hurt in my life is big...God is bigger! I was also reminded that sometimes we have to be wounded to heal. God is so good, He is walking with me in this, and I find myself spending more and more time with HIM. I want to be in His presence.
I also like the Chris Rice song that has these lyrics:
Sometimes the way is lonely,
it's steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and in pours the rain
Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus and Live
Today has been hard and yet it is ok. It will be ok. There really is always Hope :)
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
10 Days
Today is my day off, which ended up being a good thing because today was not a good day. My heart hurts, not just in the emotional sense but physically last night and today my heart has felt squeezed in my chest. I had a good day yesterday followed by some disheartening news. I felt today spinning out of my control.
I have cried, been very angry, climbed back in bed after being up, going my church and praying, and then sitting with a friend who let me sit in my pain. I have been wounded by a friend. Someone I was told to trust and yet they have hurt me in a way I never thought they would. God has been reminding me of Grace and forgiveness. I am praying that God would save me from myself, I don't want to be angry and bitter. Those emotions simply cover the hurt...I need to sit in it. People make choices, sometimes not considering others. Granted I am not running out to spend time with this person...I need distance and time to sort through things.
The amazing part to all of this is God's perfect timing. He has been preparing me to hear this news for the last week and a half. He didn't let me find out on a day I couldn't handle it. And for the first time in my life I am ok with being sad...to sit in it and know that I will not be overwhelmed by it. To watch the body of Christ surround me and try to hold me in it.
God's truth is that there is always hope. It will hurt for a while but the sun always shines after the rain.
I have cried, been very angry, climbed back in bed after being up, going my church and praying, and then sitting with a friend who let me sit in my pain. I have been wounded by a friend. Someone I was told to trust and yet they have hurt me in a way I never thought they would. God has been reminding me of Grace and forgiveness. I am praying that God would save me from myself, I don't want to be angry and bitter. Those emotions simply cover the hurt...I need to sit in it. People make choices, sometimes not considering others. Granted I am not running out to spend time with this person...I need distance and time to sort through things.
The amazing part to all of this is God's perfect timing. He has been preparing me to hear this news for the last week and a half. He didn't let me find out on a day I couldn't handle it. And for the first time in my life I am ok with being sad...to sit in it and know that I will not be overwhelmed by it. To watch the body of Christ surround me and try to hold me in it.
God's truth is that there is always hope. It will hurt for a while but the sun always shines after the rain.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
11 Days
Today I got excited about being done! And today was good, I had fun and even though I am feeling kind of wiped out right now I'm going to go home, rest, eat dinner, and get my final chapter read for my class.
God has been pouring out His blessings in my life and I feel so loved watching the body of Christ surround me and take care of me. Things I could never had seen if I had not been vulnerable with how I was feeling. The sun is shinning and even though my soul still feels weary, I have hope and know that I made it through today and I will make it through tomorrow as well.
God has been pouring out His blessings in my life and I feel so loved watching the body of Christ surround me and take care of me. Things I could never had seen if I had not been vulnerable with how I was feeling. The sun is shinning and even though my soul still feels weary, I have hope and know that I made it through today and I will make it through tomorrow as well.
Monday, April 14, 2008
12 Days
The finish line is in view. I can see it but can't quite look at it yet. Right now I am focusing on each day, what I need to do, who I need to meet with, and what can wait. I still feel really tired and am emotionally spent. God blessed me with sending some very intentional people for me to run into after lunch. They all listened and I know they love me and care about me a lot. I also got an amazing card from some of my friends that made me laugh.
On the front:
Women: Can give birth, Can organize kids' activities and transportation, Can effectively balance career and household, Can communicate, Can empathize with other, Can uplift, give support, comfort, advise, share, aid, cheer, connect, calm, care, nurture, and embrace.
Men: Can pee standing up
Inside of card: We Win!
No offence to the guys out there but I loved it...and the fact that my friends didn't write in the card or on the envelope...they used post it notes so I can re-use the card :) It makes me smile just thinking about it.
On the front:
Women: Can give birth, Can organize kids' activities and transportation, Can effectively balance career and household, Can communicate, Can empathize with other, Can uplift, give support, comfort, advise, share, aid, cheer, connect, calm, care, nurture, and embrace.
Men: Can pee standing up
Inside of card: We Win!
No offence to the guys out there but I loved it...and the fact that my friends didn't write in the card or on the envelope...they used post it notes so I can re-use the card :) It makes me smile just thinking about it.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
13 Days
My test is done, two more finals and all of my school stuff will be completed. I can't believe it is almost here. I remember having moments always wanting Graduation to come and would encourage myself with "one more year" "last internship" "one more semester" and now it is in a matter of days.
My test went fine, it took me a little over 2 hours to answer 200 questions. I hung out with friends last night to celebrate and by 9pm I was pretty spent. I know my body is still unwinding from Thursday and have been working to keep things very low stress the last couple of days. With today being the Sabbath it wouldn't be too hard, I never do homework on Sunday.
So as I sit in my kitchen this morning preparing to go to church I am glad my test is over and am trying to focus on each day as it is in front of me. I realize I feel weak in having to admit to people that I had such a bad day on Thursday but am reminded that being strong is not always the person who holds everything together.
My test went fine, it took me a little over 2 hours to answer 200 questions. I hung out with friends last night to celebrate and by 9pm I was pretty spent. I know my body is still unwinding from Thursday and have been working to keep things very low stress the last couple of days. With today being the Sabbath it wouldn't be too hard, I never do homework on Sunday.
So as I sit in my kitchen this morning preparing to go to church I am glad my test is over and am trying to focus on each day as it is in front of me. I realize I feel weak in having to admit to people that I had such a bad day on Thursday but am reminded that being strong is not always the person who holds everything together.
Friday, April 11, 2008
15 Days
Well tomorrow is the big test day. My life is stressed out and I am completely calm about taking this test. I know I might have some test anxiety tomorrow but right now I am looking forward to crawling into my bed, possibly running in the morning, and then being done with it. I just want it to be over.
In my personal life...I tried to keep today stress free, which helps with keeping myself from feeling overwhelmed. I love watching God work in my life. Things are hard and pressure is high and then God steps in allows me to do what I feel I need to and then turns things around on me. I understand more of what happened and is happening in my life and it makes me smile. Oh, don't get me wrong it is going to be hard and I think that is what makes me sort of glad. So much freedom can come from working through struggles and knowing that it is through my weakness that God will be strong. To HIM be all the Glory and Honor and Praise.
Today I learned to not be ok and to allow others into my weakness...it was quite freeing. No pretence, no trying to stay strong. I am tired and that is ok. No one asked me to be strong I just have it in my head that is what I am suppose to be. Yet if we don't allow other's into our pain how do we make them feel safe to share their pain?
God is good and faithful to those who put their hope and trust in Him. As He reminded me today, there is always Hope.
In my personal life...I tried to keep today stress free, which helps with keeping myself from feeling overwhelmed. I love watching God work in my life. Things are hard and pressure is high and then God steps in allows me to do what I feel I need to and then turns things around on me. I understand more of what happened and is happening in my life and it makes me smile. Oh, don't get me wrong it is going to be hard and I think that is what makes me sort of glad. So much freedom can come from working through struggles and knowing that it is through my weakness that God will be strong. To HIM be all the Glory and Honor and Praise.
Today I learned to not be ok and to allow others into my weakness...it was quite freeing. No pretence, no trying to stay strong. I am tired and that is ok. No one asked me to be strong I just have it in my head that is what I am suppose to be. Yet if we don't allow other's into our pain how do we make them feel safe to share their pain?
God is good and faithful to those who put their hope and trust in Him. As He reminded me today, there is always Hope.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
16 Days
Stress...it is hitting me today. I flirt with the line of feeling burned out and feeling fine a lot. Today I am tipping the scale toward burn out. I hate feeling this way! This means I don't handle the stress well in my life, little things make me want to cry, and I feel very overwhelmed...not a fun way to spend your day. So today is a bad day in that area of my life.
I am working to review today and tomorrow for my exam, but I'm tired. I think I am reaching the point when I would go on autopilot...but I think I've been living on that for so long I have nothing left. I just want to be done and walk away. I have been looking forward to May term and today I can't even think about getting through that as well. I know that this will pass and feel free to pray for me. I don't usually share this with people...my bad days are typically between me and God.
I just make sure to spend time with God releasing everything in my life into His hands and resting in His arms. And then I remember that it is just today, I won't feel this way tomorrow and as I climb into bed tonight I will tell myself that I get to try again tomorrow, it will be ok.
I am working to review today and tomorrow for my exam, but I'm tired. I think I am reaching the point when I would go on autopilot...but I think I've been living on that for so long I have nothing left. I just want to be done and walk away. I have been looking forward to May term and today I can't even think about getting through that as well. I know that this will pass and feel free to pray for me. I don't usually share this with people...my bad days are typically between me and God.
I just make sure to spend time with God releasing everything in my life into His hands and resting in His arms. And then I remember that it is just today, I won't feel this way tomorrow and as I climb into bed tonight I will tell myself that I get to try again tomorrow, it will be ok.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
17 Days
My brain is fried...officially :) I got up at 8 and studies till around 6 this evening. I did take breaks, but near the end I couldn't really concentrate that well. I think (in my estimation) I went through about 400 questions today. But I am done with all the questions and can spend the next two days just reviewing over things I need to cement into my brain.
It is amazing to me that there are things I learned at the beginning of my Graduate work that I still remember. Even though it has been a long day I did accomplish a lot...not just in studying. I picked up my apartment, did laundry, washed and put away my dishes, and even left my apartment for a whole 45 mins :) Those things of course were my study breaks.
I am excited about crawling into bed tonight, though tomorrow might be rough. I was playing intermural co-ed Volleyball on Tuesday night and not only took a ball to the face (direct hit) but also landed really hard on my right side and almost got the wind knocked out of me. My body had some aches today, but hopefully that is all the complaining it will do.
It is amazing to me that there are things I learned at the beginning of my Graduate work that I still remember. Even though it has been a long day I did accomplish a lot...not just in studying. I picked up my apartment, did laundry, washed and put away my dishes, and even left my apartment for a whole 45 mins :) Those things of course were my study breaks.
I am excited about crawling into bed tonight, though tomorrow might be rough. I was playing intermural co-ed Volleyball on Tuesday night and not only took a ball to the face (direct hit) but also landed really hard on my right side and almost got the wind knocked out of me. My body had some aches today, but hopefully that is all the complaining it will do.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
18 Days
Well it is crunch time...I have job stuff I have to do as well as trying to fit study time in any time I can. Then of course life happens and I have stuff going on in my personal life as well. God is teaching me a lot about different area's of my life and teaching me about truth and how to speak truth in love.
The past few days have been hard but so amazing! God is so faithful!
3 days till my exam!!!!
The past few days have been hard but so amazing! God is so faithful!
3 days till my exam!!!!
Monday, April 07, 2008
19 Days
I did not necessarily forget to blog yesterday I just had too much fun doing other things :) I sat outside for an hour and a half and then played Ultimate Frisbee for 2 hours, walked my friends dog with her for another hour and then had an RD meet and greet time (we are interviewing for positions on campus).
Today I am feeling the crunch time of trying to study every minute I can! But like anything stuff comes up that wants to take my time.
On top of studying God is giving me a lot to process and I have been blessed with friends who speak truth into my life and help me know what I should be doing in these area's of my life. I am excited because they are area's of my life I feel God wants to redeem in my life this year and I have been praying over these areas. So feel free to pray for me with my exam coming up and also courage in doing the things God is calling me to do.
Today I am feeling the crunch time of trying to study every minute I can! But like anything stuff comes up that wants to take my time.
On top of studying God is giving me a lot to process and I have been blessed with friends who speak truth into my life and help me know what I should be doing in these area's of my life. I am excited because they are area's of my life I feel God wants to redeem in my life this year and I have been praying over these areas. So feel free to pray for me with my exam coming up and also courage in doing the things God is calling me to do.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
21 Days
Today I decided I really really want a dog. Previous to this day I have kind of wanted a dog...but today tipped the scales. It was 57 degree's outside and I just wanted to take a walk. I use to walk my dog back home in Michigan and I miss walking and talking to my dog as well as praying as I walked. I just wanted to be outside today and I never have anyone to walk with.
My Junior year of college was great because one of the girls I lived with would go for walks with me all the time. It was a great time of exercising as well as fellowship. I miss that...and I really want a dog. So most of my day has been spend with friends, playing racquetball and talking. I have studies my book till the words and sentences no longer make any sense in my head. There is sooooo much information I just keep praying that God will help me remember what I need to remember.
Oh...and my friend I pranked called me a dirty pirate hooker (which made me laugh really hard) and tells me it is on and I am going to get it. I really enjoy causing mischief :) I hope what ever is coming my way is good...I have not had a good prank pulled on me in a while. Who said you have to become mature as an adult?
My Junior year of college was great because one of the girls I lived with would go for walks with me all the time. It was a great time of exercising as well as fellowship. I miss that...and I really want a dog. So most of my day has been spend with friends, playing racquetball and talking. I have studies my book till the words and sentences no longer make any sense in my head. There is sooooo much information I just keep praying that God will help me remember what I need to remember.
Oh...and my friend I pranked called me a dirty pirate hooker (which made me laugh really hard) and tells me it is on and I am going to get it. I really enjoy causing mischief :) I hope what ever is coming my way is good...I have not had a good prank pulled on me in a while. Who said you have to become mature as an adult?
Friday, April 04, 2008
22 Days
Well I am planning on studying my little butt of this afternoon. For fun we are dressing up in prom dresses, bridesmaid dresses, and suits for our meeting this morning :) Which means study study study later. I hope to get pictures of this wonderful event and maybe post them tomorrow.
Let's be honest sometimes you need to act like you are younger then what you are to forget about the stress in your life. It also helps that I live and work with college students. I appreciate that nothing is really too extreme around here...though I have a hunch I will have a bit of a reality shock when I get out.
Only 7 days till my test!
Let's be honest sometimes you need to act like you are younger then what you are to forget about the stress in your life. It also helps that I live and work with college students. I appreciate that nothing is really too extreme around here...though I have a hunch I will have a bit of a reality shock when I get out.
Only 7 days till my test!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
23 days
To be completely honest I feel myself checking out on school. I have been pushing myself for so long and I know that I don't have to live this way much longer. I am focused on my NCE exam and nothing else seems important. Passing this exam is huge because if I do I will be a certified counselor (scary I know).
I am also just tired today. Last week, this week and next week are full long days. I just want to climb into bed right now and rest (even though it is 4:30 in the afternoon). I know that this will pass, I just am living under last minute, get it done now, type of stress. I'm excited for May!
I am also just tired today. Last week, this week and next week are full long days. I just want to climb into bed right now and rest (even though it is 4:30 in the afternoon). I know that this will pass, I just am living under last minute, get it done now, type of stress. I'm excited for May!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
25 days
Ok...so it has been suggested for me to have a post every day till graduation. I am not going to promise that I can do this; I can get busy and forget :) But for today...
I am done with projects and only have reading to do while I wait for my Study Guide. I take my NCE exam on the 12th...kind of scary to think about. That is the next hurtle I need to jump through before I can breath easy. After April 12th my life will be great or should be :) I had an interesting converstation with a college girl today. She if graduating also from the undergraduate program and wanted to hear about how the transition from college into life was for me. It was great getting to share my heart with her about the path God has brought me on in the last three years.
God has provided so much for me and I feel as though I finally have a glimps and know who I am in Him then I ever have before. I was able to be real with her about the highs and lows of graduating single and living alone right out of college. Through it all it just is always amazing to me to be able to share with people what God is doing in my life and how He will do the same things in their lives if they allow Him to.
I am done with projects and only have reading to do while I wait for my Study Guide. I take my NCE exam on the 12th...kind of scary to think about. That is the next hurtle I need to jump through before I can breath easy. After April 12th my life will be great or should be :) I had an interesting converstation with a college girl today. She if graduating also from the undergraduate program and wanted to hear about how the transition from college into life was for me. It was great getting to share my heart with her about the path God has brought me on in the last three years.
God has provided so much for me and I feel as though I finally have a glimps and know who I am in Him then I ever have before. I was able to be real with her about the highs and lows of graduating single and living alone right out of college. Through it all it just is always amazing to me to be able to share with people what God is doing in my life and how He will do the same things in their lives if they allow Him to.
Monday, March 31, 2008
26 days
I knew this day would come...when you begin something there is always a finish. Yet in the midst of my crazy job and school work sometimes I lost sight of it. And to be honest forgot about it. But now it is coming. In 26 days I will graduate. I am beyond excited. I am looking forward to coming home and not thinking about homework. I can hang out with friends not trying to plan it around when I can work on my homework.
No more class assignments, projects, tests, quizzes...simply Freedom! Granted there is a part of me that will miss this...I admit to being "one of those" people who like school. I enjoy learning...yet I think it is safe to say my time has come. My time to enjoy other things in my life, time to enjoy my job, and time to just be me :)
No more class assignments, projects, tests, quizzes...simply Freedom! Granted there is a part of me that will miss this...I admit to being "one of those" people who like school. I enjoy learning...yet I think it is safe to say my time has come. My time to enjoy other things in my life, time to enjoy my job, and time to just be me :)
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
What's great
Let me tell you what is great...good friends :) I am reminded of this today because I am sitting in Georgia with good friends. Good friends are the people who know you well, common experiences and memories, and people who get you. They accept you for who you are and what you are becoming. They ask you crazy questions and no matter what your answer is there is no fear of them rejecting you or watching what you say.
I am so thankful for the friends God has blessed me with. I may not get to spend tons of time with all my friends but they each hold a special place in my heart from the time we did spend together and cherish the time we do get to spend together.
I am so thankful for the friends God has blessed me with. I may not get to spend tons of time with all my friends but they each hold a special place in my heart from the time we did spend together and cherish the time we do get to spend together.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Transition
Well Christmas has come and gone. The students departed and I enjoyed the silence I only get in the summer time :) Don't get me wrong I love my job but there comes a time when you just need a break from people!
Now everyone is back and I just can't seem to get into the swing of things. I just want a couple more days off. Yet I know it will just take some time to get use to the new routine. I am about to begin my last two classes for my Master's program. I am beyond ready to be done with school! I had a dose of Senioritous the beginning of last semester and hopefully I will be motivated to work ahead instead of allowing things to fall behind this time.
I just keep telling myself 4 more months till graduation and 5 months till I'm in Europe!
(in case you didn't know I'm going to Europe this summer for 6 weeks and bought my ticket yesterday... it's a Happy Graduation gift to myself)
Now everyone is back and I just can't seem to get into the swing of things. I just want a couple more days off. Yet I know it will just take some time to get use to the new routine. I am about to begin my last two classes for my Master's program. I am beyond ready to be done with school! I had a dose of Senioritous the beginning of last semester and hopefully I will be motivated to work ahead instead of allowing things to fall behind this time.
I just keep telling myself 4 more months till graduation and 5 months till I'm in Europe!
(in case you didn't know I'm going to Europe this summer for 6 weeks and bought my ticket yesterday... it's a Happy Graduation gift to myself)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
What I'm Thankful for
I think the picture speaks for it self...but Hawaii was amazing! I would recommend it to anyone. This was on the island Kauai where they filmed Jarassic Park and South Pacific (this is acctually the beach they filmed South Pacific on).I had an amazing 10 days with two awsome friends. I finally got a vacation after 2.5 years of working. I enjoyed every minute of my time. I will say after 80+ degrees for a week I really didn't want to come home to rainy, wind, and coldness.
This picture is from the North Shore on Oahu.Friday, October 26, 2007
Joy
I am amazed at the ways in the last few weeks I have felt such Joy in my life. Not, "oh I'm happy this moment" type of Joy but true feel it in every cell of my body joy. I am finding that in letting go of trying to control my life I gain the freedom to enjoy it. Who knew? :)
Somethings are worth waiting for, even if I forget at times. I'm learning to enjoy where I am right now. No looking ahead too far but being present with the people who are in my life right now. God will take care of the rest, He always has and always will.
Somethings are worth waiting for, even if I forget at times. I'm learning to enjoy where I am right now. No looking ahead too far but being present with the people who are in my life right now. God will take care of the rest, He always has and always will.
Friday, October 12, 2007
The little things.
Sometimes I think we forget to ask. Sometimes we think it is too small, too large, or not important enough for God to care about. I stood in my kitchen last night with such a longing and desire to play the piano I didn't know what to do. My piano is at my parents house and I don't think it could make the journey to my apartment because of how heavy it is as well as it being my Grandmother's piano. Yet in the last 2.5 years I have lived in my apartment I have hated having to go to the practise rooms if I just want to play for a little while. I assessed my apartment yesterday to see if I have room for a piano and found a couple spots I could put it. I knew it would have to be a smaller piano and that I really couldn't pay much over a certain price. Then I laid it at God's feet believing and having faith that God will provide for this in my life.
This morning in my e-mail, my sister forwarded me someone wishing to sell a piano. I googled the kind of piano it was (price was exactly what I am willing to pay) and well it is the piano I had pictured in my head last night.
Even if I end up not getting this piano, it doesn't really matter. God provides and will take care of me, even if it is something as little as me wanting to play the piano because it helps me handle stress. I have to ask myself...Do I allow GOD to be big enough for these things?
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