My Heart

What is the value of a heart? What is worth the cost of fighting for it? I am not sure I have the answer to these questions. I am not even sure I understand the cost of fighting for a heart. But this last month I have found myself fighting for my heart. As a little girl I grew up with the idea of a knight in shinning armor coming to sweep me off my feet and be my protector. I wanted someone who would fight for me...my Robin Hood, Aladdin, or Wesley(The Princess Bride). I never really thought about fighting for my heart, it seemed part of the Knight's package deal, if I was safe then my heart would be as well. But the problem is how can someone fight for my heart who doesn't know it? From another person I can easily hid parts of my heart and there are parts that are hidden from me.

Looking into your own heart is a scary job and one that takes time. I have found myself struggling this month, walking through a dense forest. Branches and undergrowth pulling at my clothes and arms as I struggle to keep moving forward. Walking through parts of my heart I have not really looked into and am discovering. I have been feeling the exhaustion of self reflection and the turmoil that becomes unearthed. Seeing flashes of people I have loved and lost and the pain of words and actions against me. But through every moment of remembering and surrender I have pushed on. I push on because I know that God is a God who heals and makes things new. A God who is wanting to come into our hearts and transform us if we invite Him in.

I feel so blessed that I get to walk this path. A path of truth and grace, filled with love and hope. Because those are the things I have found on this struggle. To look at my brokenness and discover the walls I have built to guard my tender heart and know that it is time to take them down. It is time to allow God in to heal those fortified cities that are aching with pain. I think of the reasons the walls were built and it feels daunting. I stand and look at it knowing why it is there and unsure how it can be dismantled. But I have to choose to believe that God can do it because as I get close to the wall my heart shouts that it can't be broken down, not even by God.

But I want it down and I want to stop living out of my brokenness. I want the freedom that comes with truth and love. I want it so much that it makes every step and every struggle worth it. How much is a heart worth? I think the better question is how much is freedom worth? How much is living in truth free from the weight of brokenness worth? For me it is priceless and even as I struggle to stay motivated to make changes, I know that living in old ways will keep me locked in a prison I no longer want to live in.