Honesty

Honestly... I feel that I try to be an honest person. Who you see is who I am. But here I find that I am not sure who I am. Back home I know what roles I have and have worked hard to accomplish things at work, be a good friend, and kick back and have fun. But here I have walked into a world that I don't understand at times and become frustrated with. I live with people I don't really know and I accept that relationships take time to build, but sometimes I am not sure they even really care about getting to know who I am. I have moved from a transient College community to a transient International community.

I find myself exhausted from constantly meeting people, being introduced, and starting over. I can't say I have ever been a huge fan of networking. In my last job when others (mainly my bosses) would get excited about going to a conference and interacting with people I cringed inside. I even had a pact with some of the other's I worked with to hang out because none of us enjoyed it. It feels awkward and I didn't really want to stay in Student Development that long anyways. But here networking is everything..lucky me :)

Honestly this transition has been hard on my heart. I miss my family and friends, I miss eating Mexican food ;), and I miss walking into a place and feeling that I have come home and can now rest. I feel that some days I keep looking for a safe, quiet place to escape too, and come up empty. I didn't realize how much this was affecting me until this past week. I guess the happy and crappy (as a former staff member would say)of this is the peeling back of layers.

I keep feeling God pressing deeper and pushing harder. I know He is helping to pull out things from my heart that need to be ripped away. I am seeing things I don't like and willingly give Him but other times I find myself puzzled and trying to figure out what this new layer is all about. I know that God is working to change me and that what He wants me to become is ten times better then were I am now. I am being stripped of everything I have ever known, roles, relationships, work, culture, food, and language. But I can tell that it is good. Even in the moments I am grumpy and frustrated I never doubt being here...I tolerate it :) But then God always surprises me and after a bad day I find my eyes turning to find the little treasures He has given me during the day.

Today was meeting friends in the market and being able to introduce them to my favorite Silk and Silver Jewelry seller. My Jewelry seller even offered me food, which I would like to think means we have moved to a new place in our friendship :)It is in those moments I find something in my heart moving. I honestly told some friends that I don't want a reason to stay here past my 11 months. One of them wisely said it sounds like an issue with Surrender. I think she is right, because God has never asked me to stay here longer. And if He does it will be in His time and in His way. I have to think...Surrender...again! I thought I covered this one. But it is not deep enough yet, it has to be worked through again. Honestly I have days when I struggle and honestly I have days when my heart feels full.