Birthday suprise :)

Office picture (notice the nice flowers on my desk). My staff suprised me for my birthday by decorating my office.

Learning

I'm learning to live with frustration, discontentment, and unrest. I feel as though I have been struggling through these last few days. By any standard it looks as though I had a normal and fun weekend, I hung out with various friends and did fun things. But inside I wrestle with my emotions, my self, and what God is trying to teach me. In talking to a friend today she told me I need to learn to see my weakness as strengths (she is not the first to tell me this).

It can be difficult to learn to see something in our lives as we have always known it and turn it upside down. Thus I am working to change and see where this process is going to take me. I am praying that God would keep me focused on what is going on now so I don't get caught up on the end result. It doesn't matter what that will be, change happens in the process. Though I am annoyed by this I know that it is the continued process of being refined and made new.

My so called life

Looking back and trying to lean forward for a peek into tomorrow is always interesting, because it never works out :) Try as I might and no matter what I think I want or need, God always has a surprise for me. The end of this week means I will have a semi normal life...well ok not really normal, I live with college students. This just means I have office hours, classes, and meetings. I am looking forward to getting settled.

The last month of my life has flown by but has been good. My new staff is fun and get a long great. I feel sort of ready to start classes again but am counting down till I graduate this Spring. I have moved into my new office...my very own which makes me smile as I sit looking around knowing I picked the colors, curtains, and paintings. I enjoyed my first official day off yesterday and smiled as I put on jeans and a t-shirt as I prepared to get groceries. It is always amazing how much you learn to appreciate the small things in life when you don't always get to do them.

That is the highlights of my so called life.

Smell what?

It eludes me...there is a smell from somewhere in my kitchen. If there were hidden video's people might think I'm strange. I have sniffed my counter, in the cupboards, in the stove, under the stove, the fridge, under the fridge, behind my washer and dryer, under my sink, various things that sit on my counter, my microwave, the sink, my dish drying rack, my garbage disposal in the sink, inside my washing machine, and more. I have washed dishes, done laundry...I just don't know what else to do.

I stand in the middle of the kitchen, by my sink, by my washer and dryer....it seems everywhere. I had to question my sanity this weekend when some family came to visit. I of course am apologizing for this mysterious smell and they said they didn't smell anything. I had a dream I could smell it....I think people seek help for these kinds of things.

Today it dawned on me that maybe the smell is me. But I bath and have not changed those habits as of recent so I had to rule that out as well. I may be slightly paranoid because early this month I had another horrible oder which was discovered to be rotting potatoes in my cupboard...very gross.

Sigh....so the search will continue. I will not be eluded. My next task is clean and scrubbing my kitchen.

Solitude

Well church on Sunday was great! My job is to create community...it has to every where and to some degree I find myself feeling weird when I am alone. But the sermon stressed that we need solitude and community to help shape our ministry. Ministry is just trying to copy Christ if you don't take time to develop yourself alone and with others. Wow...so the challenge was to learn to be good at what you don't do well. So I spent time on Sunday alone with my thoughts...which was a good thing because there was a lot I needed to think about.

God and I spent most of the day chatting, he watched as I moved my furniture around and cleaned, and wrapped up the solitude with a walk to the prayer chapel. It was great! I don't know why we don't spend more time doing this. I realized through this day that I don't need to hear God's voice to know His will. I walked with him and talked with him in our time together. I listened to my heart and my gut to know.

Meeting with God was refreshing and gave me freedom from fears, worries, and other foolish things I put too much time and energy into thinking about. At the end of the day I realized, again, that it is not about me but about Him. It is about His plan for my life and what He wants me to do. No matter what happens He will be there and help me through it.

so cute

I just love being an Aunt :)

the slow way of summer

Summer is here...finally. Today I played catch up with my job. It feels good to throw my list away at the end of the day knowing I accomplished most everything on it. I find myself every year at this time reflecting on my life. I enjoy looking back and seeing how I am different now then last year at this time. A year is a long time but also short. Time is a funny thing in how it progresses forward, but in our moments of time it seems endless to look ahead. It will take forever for things to come...so it seems. Yet when we look back we wonder where all the time went.

Looking back this year is kind of hard. Last year at this time I was being "courted" shall I say by a guy. Not much has been said in regards to this for a couple reasons. One reason being there is not much to say is because it was going towards a relationship and then sort of died. Another reason being that for me resolution is huge and it was slow in coming due to a lack of communication. Needless to say looking back right now I see a time last year when I was being pursued and enjoying those first moments of a relationship when it is fun and exciting and you just want to spend time together...but then I have to reflect on how it seemed to slip through my fingers.

I don't want to end this being "Debbie Downer" because I have learned a lot this year through all of it. I can see how God was working and how sometimes we ask for things and in that moment God knows what we need and it doesn't involve what we want at that moment. I have peace about this and know that God works for the greater good.

Over

The semester is done, over, finished, and I am glad. Not glad to have to say good-bye to people but glad to change to a new schedule and routine. My sister had her baby, which is exciting, they named her Damaris (Duh-Maris) Rebekah. I get this week off from school and my internship before I start my final leg in getting my schooling done.

I will finish my last internship this summer, two classes this fall, and two classes next spring and then I will graduate. I am hoping to spend some time this summer with friends and hanging out. I am excited to think that this fall will be the beginning of my third year at my job and will officially be full time (I'm considered part-time right now). This means I officially have my first adult job. I will be receiving benefits and retirement :)

time moves on...

I think this is the longest time I have gone between posting :) Well in the last month I had an amazing Spring Break (and much needed). I went to South Carolina with three incredible girls. We went sea kayaking to an island on the coast and spent the week soaking up sun and doing nothing! I have been back for the last few weeks in reality which includes my job and my "other job" also called my internship. Things are going well but I am busy. I find myself still living day to day and seeking God in all things.

(I'm third from the left...we slept on the seashell ridge we are standing on because we got lost. If you want to know the whole story let me know :) )

I am amazed at the little ways He takes care of me as well as being able to see the ways He spared me by saying no to things in my life. Sometimes we have to move through life before we can look back and see what our wanting would have cost us. I'm still pulled between two worlds but the light is at the end of the tunnel! If you are reading this and I haven't talked to you in a while...you are not alone! Maybe I should start a group for all my family and friends that I haven't kept in contact with this semester :). Please don't take it personal and if you call me I do call back!

Let it rock the boat.

I was doing some reading and this really caught my attention...

This comes from the book "The story we find ourselves in" by: Brian McLaren. One of his characters is talking about the crucifixion...
"...I think it's all about God's agony being made visible- you know, the pain of forgiving, the pain of absorbing betrayal and forgoing any revenge, of risking that your heart will be hurt again, for the sake of love, at the very worst moment, when the beloved has been least worthy of forgiveness, but stands most in need of it. It's not just something legal or mental. It's not just words; it has to be embodied, and nails and thorns and sweat and tears and blood strike me as the only true language of betrayal and forgiveness."

This is a powerful statement. How often do we look at the cross as Jesus taking on our individual betrayal of God? Christ took all the times we have hurt God and all the times we will in the future. He was in agony, He endured the physical pain of betrayal. Being betrayed causes physical pain. Our response is revenge, God's response is forgiveness...to the point of allowing His son to bear the burden of not just the pain but the true agony of God turning His back on Him. That is a pain we will never have to endure because of Christ's love.

The wedding day

I thought I would put up a couple pictures from Justin's wedding for those of you who couldn't make it...


The girls looking all pretty


The guys acting the way they usually do.

The Family Has Spoken

Well tonight my suspicions were confirmed. I always thought that if I was to date someone my staff would have to approve. I am correct in saying this. Melody was talking to a mutual friend, who one of my friends was trying to set me up with last year, about her trying to set us up (I was unaware he knew about this). This spawned conversation among my staff about this person (who they all know) and asking me what I thought. So I guess if a guy is interested in me he won't have to meet my family but my staff for approval :)

Just today

My life is chaos. I run from one thing to the next with not much of a social life to speak of. I live on sleep, prayer, and supportive understanding from those I work with. Yet I have peace, a deep peace that has settled on me this new year. I am trying something new this year; I am focusing on every day as it comes. When thoughts of tomorrow, everything I have to do, or other intruding thoughts break in I push them away. I make a list as not to forgot the important things but other wise I tell myself what day of the week it is and remind myself of what I need to do TODAY.


I am trying to enjoy every day that I have. I only get this day once and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. True not all days are fun but that's when I remind myself it isn't forever. I am not stuck in some perpetually repeating movie like "Ground Hog's Day" good or bad tomorrow will come. Every night I sit on my bed and quiet my heart before God to reflect on the day as well as diving into His word and truth. I lean on Him. I have nothing else in my life that gives me strength than Him.

An old woman :)

Well I have been told by friends that I have grandma tendencies...here's the list we have come up with.

1. I like to crochet
2. I do puzzles for fun
3. I have a huge rearview mirror
4. I watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy while home
5. I enjoy making quilts

I don't remember if there are any more...feel free to let me know if you think of anything else :)

Feels like home...

Home, it is not a place that can be nailed down. Home is the feeling inside that we have to carry with us where ever our feet land. It is the warmth inside, happy memories, and that feeling of being known by those around you. It is knowing that laughter or tears are accepted and there is no need to try to impress those that you are with. It is a deep comfort and rest in your soul.

Nothing much to say

I am sitting in my office on a Saturday night listening to the hum of my printer as I await its finish. No cars are driving by with loud music, no students outside laughing, talking, or coming in. No TV is on is on or someone working the desk. Just me, my printer, and the silence. It does seem kind of creepy knowing that no one is here, campus will return to life tomorrow...but for tonight it sits awaiting the students return.

The silence reminds me of this summer and the simple way life seemed. The empty parking lots, the stillness that greats the ears, and the way life feels slower. No anxious people darting here or there. But I miss it. I miss the activity and the feel of life. I miss my staff. I have enjoyed the break and got some much needed rest, but I find that I have crossed over. I need people. I have been an introvert for most of my life and yet I dreaded saying good bye to people for Thanksgiving. I had a guy last year describe missing people and I had no idea what he was talking about then...now I do.

So I sit here in my office working on a project. Maybe I enjoy the silence because a part of me knows that it will not last because it never does.

The long road

It is that point in the semester, the time when it seems as though the light at the end of the tunnel is really there and we are getting closer. I look back on this semester and can't believe how fast it has gone. I am still not sure how I survived exactly other than the prayers of people and some late night talks with friends. I have had frantic conversations about my life or lack there of. I have been angry and hurt, I have cried many tears driving home from my internship, and I have spent time laughing with my staff.

Through it all I see God. I have felt in the last week a weight lifted from my shoulders. A weight that I did not know was heavy on me. It was during one of those night talks with a friend that she spoke truth into my life and I awoke the next day free. God was with me through out that time I just couldn't see Him working. I know He has carried me this semester through one of the craziest 3 months of my life.

I have learned that no matter what each day brings I must rest IN God. It is not always about a state of actually resting but resting in WHO God is and What He is able to do. I have a quote that I have been reading almost everyday this past week...

"Every day of our Christian experience should be a day of relating to God on the
basis of His grace alone, your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond
the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are
beyond the need of God's grace."
~Jerry Bridges

No matter my physical, emotional, or mental state...God is there with me.

ice cream conversation

I went up to get some ice cream to go with my slightly dry Baldwin Chocolate Cake, as I was handed an ice cream scoop me and this random guy were looking at the different kinds of ice cream... ( I have never seen this guy before in my life)


guy: what kind of ice cream are you going to get?
me: I don't know, (looking in the case) is that cookies and cream?
guy: yeah
me: That's what I'm getting
guy: what's this? PB cup?
me: (intently looking) I think it's cookie dough, yeah...it is
guy: thanks for helping me
me: Well, I'm here to serve
guy:I have been standing here for 20 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted.
me: choosing ice cream is a very important decision
guy: you should be a therapist, is that your major?
me: actually I'm getting my master in marriage and family therapy, so I am a therapist
guy: well I guess I'll have a good marriage and family now
me: ( chuckling under my breath) enjoy your ice cream

Fork in the road

There comes a time in life when there is a fork in the road. Lately I feel myself standing at this junction and wonder which way I should go. Both have the potential to be good, both could easily be argued to be part of God's will. Yet I know there reaches a point where sometimes God will lay before us these two roads and either one we pick is fine.

I sometimes get this thought in my head that I have to do it right the first time. Me picking a path is not going to disrupt God's plan, that is thinking too highly of myself. If God does not want me going down a path, He will stop me. His will is going to be accomplished no matter what. I realize that as long as I'm chasing after God with all my heart, it is foolish to think that I could run away from Him and run down the wrong path in life.

With this new choice in front of me I will pray, I will take time to consider all the side...but I have peace knowing I can rest in God no matter what happens.

The perfect night

The horses plodded along as we crossed the empty field of corn, they urged each other on. The evening sky was starting to peak from behind the parting clouds, the stillness that engulfed us silenced our lips. It seemed only enough to be. Being a part of this perfect fall evening seemed like such a gift. The golden fields of un-harvested corn and soybeans danced in the evening twilight. The only sound came from us, our conversation at times, and the rhythm of the hoofs beating the earth. Every step sure and firm on the uneven ground. The urging of my heals brought the horse to a canter and then to the fluid movement of a gallup.

We laughed as we worked to remind the horses who was boss. We marveled at their strength and how easily they could have control. But I reminded Jess, that was why we were riding them and they weren't riding us. We joked of pitching a tent on the edge of field and camping out for the night, we could have. It was the perfect fall night.